Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?
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Dr. Date
by: Dr. Date MD
University of Minnesota
The Minnesota Daily
Dear Dr. Date, MD Esquire Jr. III,
About a month ago, I was chatting up a couple of my presumably bisexual hottie friends in Coffman, when I realized I was on the fast track to my first sexual encounter: the legendary "dormitory three-way."
I've been an inept, socially awkward weakling my entire life, but I knew this was for real. No, really. I can't go out in the sun without copious amounts of skin cream, and even then I have to hide under a black poncho and an ultra-sized, tailor-made umbrellum.
Anyway, as I was about to get my groove on like you've never seen before (for the very first time), I FARTED. I farted LOUDLY, and it SMELLED a
lot. Lo and behold, my Barker Beauties got right up and stormed through aisles and aisles of chairs just to escape my noxious fumage.
I was thinking "Yeah, I can totally recover from this - just you wait, ladies." The only problem is that I started LAUGHING about it while they were still in my presence.
As their eyes flicked about, desperately searching the inner depths of their minds for answers to this (in retrospect) TRAVESTY, there I am gaffawing like a Sith Lord (they were perfectly cool with my Star Wars addiction, as are all smexy women). It was a n00b moment, to be sure.
That was the last time they ever saw me. They removed me from their Facebook friends list and wrote FALSE letters to YOU in order to gratuitously calumniate my good name (I do NOT play World of Warcraft THAT much).
I am now failing all my classes thanks to a douchebag named Andrew and am seriously
contemplating a transfer to be with my only true friend, the maliciously mislabeled "skank" who saw those stupid girls for what they were - BEAUTIFUL FEMALE HUMANS.
I love them, DD. I don't know what to do. How can I take back that fart? I want to take it back with a vacuum to my soul, DD. But, I don't know how to do that, DD. I'm in serious trouble here, DD. Do you understand, DD? Huh, DD?
I spend most of my time wishing I was a pirate and making balloon animal hats. I am such an emo. Please. I beg you. Help. It wasn't even a huge fart.
-Ditch Dan
About a month ago, I was chatting up a couple of my presumably bisexual hottie friends in Coffman, when I realized I was on the fast track to my first sexual encounter: the legendary "dormitory three-way."
I've been an inept, socially awkward weakling my entire life, but I knew this was for real. No, really. I can't go out in the sun without copious amounts of skin cream, and even then I have to hide under a black poncho and an ultra-sized, tailor-made umbrellum.
Anyway, as I was about to get my groove on like you've never seen before (for the very first time), I FARTED. I farted LOUDLY, and it SMELLED a
lot. Lo and behold, my Barker Beauties got right up and stormed through aisles and aisles of chairs just to escape my noxious fumage.
I was thinking "Yeah, I can totally recover from this - just you wait, ladies." The only problem is that I started LAUGHING about it while they were still in my presence.
As their eyes flicked about, desperately searching the inner depths of their minds for answers to this (in retrospect) TRAVESTY, there I am gaffawing like a Sith Lord (they were perfectly cool with my Star Wars addiction, as are all smexy women). It was a n00b moment, to be sure.
That was the last time they ever saw me. They removed me from their Facebook friends list and wrote FALSE letters to YOU in order to gratuitously calumniate my good name (I do NOT play World of Warcraft THAT much).
I am now failing all my classes thanks to a douchebag named Andrew and am seriously
contemplating a transfer to be with my only true friend, the maliciously mislabeled "skank" who saw those stupid girls for what they were - BEAUTIFUL FEMALE HUMANS.
I love them, DD. I don't know what to do. How can I take back that fart? I want to take it back with a vacuum to my soul, DD. But, I don't know how to do that, DD. I'm in serious trouble here, DD. Do you understand, DD? Huh, DD?
I spend most of my time wishing I was a pirate and making balloon animal hats. I am such an emo. Please. I beg you. Help. It wasn't even a huge fart.
-Ditch Dan
Dear Ditch Dan,
This is one of the most epic letters I have ever read, full of twists and turns, drama and hilarity. If only soul vacuums existed for those awkward times when you let one slip…
Unfortunately, not only have soul vacuums not been invented, but neither have time machines for you to go back and change the past. I'm afraid that, to these girls, you are now The Guy We Almost Had a Threesome With But Then He Farted and Laughed Like a Sith Lord About It.
There are several things you can do to prevent something like this from happening in the future. The first step is always prevention. When you know you're going to be around "smexy" people who wouldn't appreciate your mighty winds, avoid foods like broccoli that are known to produce gas. Stay away from dairy if you're lactose intolerant.
When you spontaneously run into smexies after consuming black bean soup and bean burritos, keep some Beano in your bag to pop surreptitiously when their backs are turned.
Should your methods fail you and you again let "noxious fumage" permeate your surroundings, say "excuse me" and acknowledge that you are experiencing the height of mortification.
Don't let this bother you too much. Everybody farts. Everybody poops, for that matter. Laugh it off (like a human, preferably, not like a Sith Lord) and move on. This is NOT worth transferring over.
Besides, threesomes are totally not all they're cracked up to be. Er … yeah.
-Dr. Date
This is one of the most epic letters I have ever read, full of twists and turns, drama and hilarity. If only soul vacuums existed for those awkward times when you let one slip…
Unfortunately, not only have soul vacuums not been invented, but neither have time machines for you to go back and change the past. I'm afraid that, to these girls, you are now The Guy We Almost Had a Threesome With But Then He Farted and Laughed Like a Sith Lord About It.
There are several things you can do to prevent something like this from happening in the future. The first step is always prevention. When you know you're going to be around "smexy" people who wouldn't appreciate your mighty winds, avoid foods like broccoli that are known to produce gas. Stay away from dairy if you're lactose intolerant.
When you spontaneously run into smexies after consuming black bean soup and bean burritos, keep some Beano in your bag to pop surreptitiously when their backs are turned.
Should your methods fail you and you again let "noxious fumage" permeate your surroundings, say "excuse me" and acknowledge that you are experiencing the height of mortification.
Don't let this bother you too much. Everybody farts. Everybody poops, for that matter. Laugh it off (like a human, preferably, not like a Sith Lord) and move on. This is NOT worth transferring over.
Besides, threesomes are totally not all they're cracked up to be. Er … yeah.
-Dr. Date
YOU should have a column in GLAMOUR magazine, my dear Dr. This is very literate, very funny, very correct!!
If those girls were at all avant-garde they would have not only reveled in your sulfur stank, but perhaps have made the entire situation even more profound through interpretive dance. Clearly, Capt Blowhorn deserves better wenches then these mere slatterns?
If I saw you laugh after you laid one I would commend you and join you in your laughter, Ditch Dan.
There will be plenty of bisexual hotties to go around. Dr. Date came to the rescue and soon you'll realize it was not as big a deal as you think.
What the hell is a sith lord??
There will be plenty of bisexual hotties to go around. Dr. Date came to the rescue and soon you'll realize it was not as big a deal as you think.
What the hell is a sith lord??
I love this column, Dr. Date!
A column about threesomes and farts...ya can't really go wrong.
That poor guy..
Excellent column Miss Dr. D!
Dr. Date, your wit and to the point yet covering every base style is invigorating!
Sucks for that dude. There's just no way to take back a fart.
One time a girl took me home from a bar. It was a one night stand and we were both pretty drunk. After I had sex with her, she passed out, and I had to fart. Well the fart was actually a SHART, ad it left a small stain on her bed sheet.
I clambered into the bathrom, cleaned myself up, and was unsure what to do next. As I looked through her cabinets and drawers, I found a pair of scissors.
Making sure she was still asleep, I quietly snipped a hole around the stain and disposed of it. I then got dressed and bolted.
The next day she called me asking about the hole. I simply told her I do that with every girl I sleep with. Kind of like a little memento. Needless to say she never spoke to me after that. But hey, at least I'm known as the weird hole guy, and not the guy who took a dump in her bed!
One time a girl took me home from a bar. It was a one night stand and we were both pretty drunk. After I had sex with her, she passed out, and I had to fart. Well the fart was actually a SHART, ad it left a small stain on her bed sheet.
I clambered into the bathrom, cleaned myself up, and was unsure what to do next. As I looked through her cabinets and drawers, I found a pair of scissors.
Making sure she was still asleep, I quietly snipped a hole around the stain and disposed of it. I then got dressed and bolted.
The next day she called me asking about the hole. I simply told her I do that with every girl I sleep with. Kind of like a little memento. Needless to say she never spoke to me after that. But hey, at least I'm known as the weird hole guy, and not the guy who took a dump in her bed!
Yesssss!
You are brilliant, Wes!
You are brilliant, Wes!
holy shit, wes! literally. that's some calling card.
ha this is so funny. good column
great column dr. date you can coach me throughout my life, ill pay you
great column dr. date you can coach me throughout my life, ill pay you
Five Months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on New Article or Ejean needs to move you down in Popularity. I mean some people update nearly every week, some nearly every Month, why Five Months??? Update or at least drop in popularity Every month or two. That way if an article really is that popular it can stay in the top ten, but if it was popular 5 months ago, it will be toward the back of the list of most popular. What I really want is new stuff to read.
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