The Rapid Humper

by: Samantha Gardner
Frostburg State University
The Bottom Line

Not to be confused with “Mr. Quickie,” the Rapid Humper is more so described by his technique than his endurance. You see, “Mr. Quickie” just can’t contain himself; the Rapid Humper, well, he thinks he’s doing a public service.



Here’s how a typical session with the Rapid Humper normally goes:



Entry

Thrust

Thrust

Thrust

Pause

Thrust, Thrust

Thrust

Pause

Thrust, Thrust, Thrust,

Change positions

Thrust, Thrust, Thrust, Thrust, Thrust

Pause

Thrust, Thrust, Thrust

Pause

Repeat

Return to original position

Thrust, Thrust, Thrust

Pause

Thrust

Finish.



I understand the wants and needs of all parties involved to change both the pace of the activity and position; however, what the Rapid Humper does is create a rather annoying pattern of what I like to refer to as the “light switch syndrome.” It’s on, then it’s off. And since it’s nearly as random as the act itself, many of my female companions have complained about the Rapid Humper’s inability to satisfy them.



In the Rapid Humper’s defense, he (or she) may think that he (or she) is doing an exquisite job because of the sounds that may be coming from their partner.



Yet it is not the randomness but the gradual build-up of a performance which allows a partner to take all pleasure in the experience. The sudden pauses are the equivalent to a time-out being called when a team has great momentum and is about to score: it wears both partners down, possibly to the point of exhaustion, boredom, and worst of all, a form of attention deficit disorder.



The worst possible combination ever fathomed is the Rapid Humper and the Partner who Never Shuts Up. Dirty talk is one thing. Talking dirty has been praised and loved by many. But Rapid Humpers, typically the insecure ones, feel the need to reassure their ability – and that’s where the pauses come in.



“Does it feel good?”

“You like that?”

“How is it for you?”



At all costs avoid answering the question and simply change something in the activity. And if you can, try to take over (this doesn’t work out for those who get off on being dominated).



Following the experience, the Rapid Humper will probably want to cuddle seeing as how he/she believes it was an opportunity to confess their feelings in a physical state. If you feel the same, then cuddle. If not, bolt – unless you enjoyed the tactics and want to stay for more, then I highly suggest you pursue it.



The consensus among my female companions is that the Rapid Humper is not the best partner. In fact, the Rapid Humper is more annoying than any other labeled partner known. But don’t let us be the authority, decide for yourself (just don’t laugh when you’re in the middle of it and thinking of this column…tisk tisk).