Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

At 50 I and am revelling in the passion that has developed between my piano teacher, also 50, and I. We have briefly acknowledged a certain tension, with me joking that Ďin the old days I would have bedded you in no timeĒ. But he is the best damn teacher ever, and his daughter has said I have given him a new focus as I am such a gifted older student.

Even though he is in the Ďteacherí role I have as much power in the relationship because I have a strong allure for men, and sexual power is what I own. From the first movement he clapped eyes on me he was goo-goo and let it be known in his way. I am a very sensual lady which I try to downplay in any professional setting, ie wearing non-revealing clothing and being a goddess with my power. However, we are connected musically and I consider him my peer. I donít idolise him but Ďgetí him.

He is very respectful of my husband and so am I but yeah, it is morally wrong, yadda yadda, but humans find each other attractive outside marriage, letís be real. Itís whether or not you act on it and this is about stuffing down feelings and how to deal.

As well as private lessons, I attend group classes where he is totally professional with all students, but people have picked up that we are close. I love being teacherís pet, letís face it. I did a mental test of how I would feel if he showed another woman any of the same attention and I failed: I would be as jealous as a 15 year old. Human nature!

Still, he has a way of being intimate in his conversation that we end up sharing ideas and coming up with business plans that surprise us both.

Last year, I injured my hand and had no contact with him for a year because I moved too far away and could not attend nor take lessons. I thought about him and was so happy when he called to say he could take me on again as he was teaching in the area. So it started again. I was curious to see if the sleeping sexual snake would unfurl again and my gosh, itís ready to strike.

So, I am trying to put my energy into learning and not fantasising. He really does inspire me and all these feelings are mixed up in my music. I canít bear the thought of not having him as a teacher and neither would he want to lose me as a student. But I am aware that I need his attention so I am wondering what he is giving me that I am not getting elsewhere? I accept his compliments and give him same. We try to maintain a professional rapport but I am getting a bit exhausted not acting on my sexual desires. We both realise it would be a disaster if we did. He would lose a student and his musical mistress and I would be bereft and lose my anchor to my music. We have inspired each other beyond belief. But really we are having an emotional affair, one which my husband is patiently waiting to dissipate. And so am I, but weekly contact simply inflames us as we pound out our desire on the keyboard. Itís doing my head in.

I guess I want to say all of this to him. He is a highly sexual male, who matches my sexuality, who loves my attention as well, so what is there to say? Can mature consenting adults move past this? I hope one day to move into the friends zone but at what cost? The mere thought brings me to tears. I made a vow never to do unrequited love again, yet I am losing weight over this. He calls me ďquerida, which means loved by another, or mistress and this to me, acknowledges that he loves me from a distance too.

I wish it were a movie where we could make love with abandon, no consequences, which is the selfish nature of affairs. I have been on both sides and it is heartache all around. But alas, we are trying to be Ďgoodí.

To add to the complexity, he asked me to be his choir manager, a paid gig. I figure this could go two ways: we cruise along in a solid working relationship and finally get over the lust
Or, we end up fighting and it all goes to shit.

I have to ask myself, how did I get here? I guess I was basking in attention which I didnít know I was needing and surprisingly, this was returned by someone who needed it too, and in spades.


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