Thank you so, so much. I needed that perspective. You're totally right.
Appreciate it Kal!

This looks like a matter of "right person - wrong time". It's likely that he has realised that your relationship is too much of a distraction right now and that he couldn't divide his time and energy without something going pear-shaped. He has a massive amount of stuff on his plate right now and even though you want to be supportive, this relationship is still requiring an effort from him that he knows he can't spare at this time, regardless of how well-suited you are to each other.

Perhaps under other circumstances, you and he could stroll off into the sunset together. But this is not the right time. So I would recommend giving him the courtesy of believing that he knows his own mind and limits. Yes, it's frustrating, but keep in mind: what he wants is equally as important as what you want.

Also, not to diminish the potential of what you had, but it's only been eight weeks - that's typically still the time when people are in the "try someone on and see if it works" phase. So please do him a favour and back off for now; perhaps once things have improved and he's ready, you and he can re-visit this.

Thanks Jill....YES, you are right as well.

I suppose from my perspective (37 year old), the older I get, the more guys I meet with "issues" and god help me, I just want a normal relationship and I can never have that.
Every guy I meet has some problem. I date a 41 year old, a 50 year old, a 38 year old....WTF.

Thanks ladies xoxo
I will do my own thing and give this man space.

Um. "... god help me, I just want a normal relationship and I can never have that."

If you're expecting to find a grown-up man with no issues, then what you are looking for is not a "normal" relationship.

What you're looking for in that case is the instant happily-ever-after fantasy that TV, movies and books have been lying to us about for ... well, forever.

I met my perfect match at 52. He is the kindest, smartest, most decent man I have ever met, but he has issues. I have worked my ass off to grow up into something approximating a decent adult and I have issues.

What matters is how he and I deal with them, and how well our issues fit with each other's, right? It sounds like you are someone who is all about instant connection (as I am) and your guy is someone who retreats when he feels overwhelmed. Unless one of you changes, this will be a constant tug-of-war between you.

So, give this man his space, as you have said you will.

Go about your own life. Think hard about what are deal-breakers for you. That last is crucial, because as women (maybe as human beings) when we find someone who attracts us and clicks with us, we try to fit ourselves around them to make it work, ignoring all sorts of things that generally grow into huge problems later.

What we should be doing is looking to see how well another person fits with us. People are like puzzle pieces. If you have to bend or twist or snap off a piece of yourself to fit with someone, they are not the right one for you.

Same goes for them. If you need another person to bend or twist or snap off a piece of themselves to fit with you, then they are not who you want.

That doesn't mean that there's anything at all wrong with either of you. It just means that you aren't a good fit for each other and forcing it will eventually make you both miserable.

Thank you Robynne. I certainly didn't mean I want a fairytale romance, I am very realistic. I have my own issues too, as you said and we all do. I was hoping for a better response from him, as he's been married twice, we barely see each other any way and now he needs space....
well good on you man, go ahead and have it.
I have life experience about what it means to have two people come together and make it work.
I find that guys are quick to give up when it's a little hard...no matter the age. The equivalent of a hissy fit and AH I CAN'T DEAL and I need space!

Glad to hear you got your man. I am sure he is a lucky duck too to have you. XO

I want to say one thing that has hurt me.

The Friday night, I went to his house and we had such a lovely time. I spent the night and we had a loving and tender Saturday morning holding each other. We spent the day Saturday walking around a beach town.
At that point, I saw he was getting texts and as he was trying his best, I could sense his energy change.
I later dropped him off at home and left.

Sunday, I texted him as per normal a good morning and hope you have a nice day.
I heard nothing all day from him.
So I texted him in the evening and said that it was unlike him to respond and to let me know he was not in a hospital.

That's when he finally responded and said he needed some time and to clear his head and deal with his personal life (which I know he is battling his ex and losing work left and right etc).

Anyway, how dare someone give them the silent treatment, when I did nothing wrong but be a loving and supportive girlfriend? This boils my blood.

He knows how to be loving and tender less than 24 hrs ago and yet thinks he can get away with giving me the silent treatment when he's overwhelmed?

Grow some balls man, that is unnacceptable.

I want you all to know that I am not dreaming of some romance. I want respect and being there for one another.
Seems like I can't get that.

Why shouldn't you want romance in a romantic relationship? And when you say "I want respect and being there for one another. Seems like I can't get that." Do you mean that from just this guy or has this been a recurring motif for you?

Because if it's just this guy, then frankly, this doesn't sound like a good match. As Robynne said, it seems like you want him to be in touch with you promptly, regardless of the situation. He shuts down when things get overwhelming. And it sounds like things are going to be overwhelming for him for at least the near future and he will have no bandwidth to maintain a romantic relationship. In current parlance, he's running low on spoons.

Also, oftentimes when people are in a fairly serious romantic relationship, they assume that the other person understands them completely, even when the relationship is new and they hardly know each other. As a result, the people who need the most information get the least amount. So it could be that your boyfriend assumed that you'd understand that he was overwhelmed when he didn't contact you. But the fact remains, this is a gap in understanding and communication style that is a red flag for you, so it's just as well he has backed off and asked you to do the same.

But if I might interject something here: new technology has created new expectations. Back in the day (which you should remember, being thirty-seven), there was a time when you didn't get back to someone until you got home and listened to the message they left on your answering machine, then called them back right away if it were urgent, otherwise, you'd get your stuff done, then call them back. So sometimes, a few days would pass before someone received a call back. And that was expected and accepted. This gave people a chance to re-group and call someone when they were in the right frame of mind. But now that we have the ability to contact anyone instantly, at any time, the expectation is that all of us must conform to this expectation, regardless of our situation or state of mind. And that's not always a good thing. If this guy is in his forties, it could be that he has decided to not conform to this, WHICH IS HIS ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO DO. If your requirements are that your romantic partner contact you promptly, regardless of his state of mind or readiness to do so, then your best bet is to find someone whose expectations match yours. Or, as Robynne mentioned, adjust your expectations.

However, if this is a recurring motif and you keep forming relationships with men who are not well suited to you, then it would be a good idea to examine why this keeps happening and why you unconsciously choose such men.

Jill is, as usual, exactly right.

But, I also have to add that you have been with this guy for *8 weeks* (or a little longer, now). In his mind, y'all are just dating. It seems like in your mind this is a fully-committed relationship.

That's a pretty huge disconnect.

As for how someone could be romantic and cuddly and then not answer your texts ... Right now, he is all about his needs. He needed cuddling and romance and when he had enough, he went back into his cocoon.

So, what I see happening here is that you are reading all of his signals, but you're not interpreting them correctly. He is not as invested in this relationship as you are. He has told you this by his words --"I need space" -- and by his actions.

They don't make sense to you because you're looking at them from within the framework of a committed relationship. Unfortunately, I think that you're in there all alone.

As for the texting thing, listen to Jill. My fella and I have been doing the long-distance thing (with frequent in-person visits before the border between us closed) and we do not text. We do a Zoom call every night and before we end it, we set a time for the next one. We will occasionally send each other a FB message, but if the other one doesn't answer, it's no big deal.

I would never allow myself to be at a man's beck and call, so why should I expect him to be instantly attentive to me? I don't even expect that from my grown children.

I think what is needed here -- and I hope I'm not sounding harsh, I really do want the best for you -- is for you to learn how to slow down a bit and especially to learn how to trust your instincts.

He is not as invested in this potential relationship as you are. The question shouldn't be "Why isn't he as invested as I am?". The question is "Why are you so invested when he is so clearly not?"

I wish you all the best and hope that you'll come back here and let us know how it goes.

Thank you Robynne and all ladies.

The reason why I am so in deep and invested, is because he was the one who initiated everything when I was going slowly. He ramped up the relationship and I allowed myself to love him because his actions proved we were on the same page:

1. He asked me to be his girlfriend
2. His actions were deep, loving and supportive
3. We saw each other often and communicated often.
4. I had no doubts how he felt.
5. We were both in a committed relationship
6. He admitted he didn't think he'd ever meet someone like me


To the point where I let my guard down, let myself love him and be like "Ok, this is real. This is a real relationship."
Now it's all a 180.
Then his life hits the fan and now he can't deal.
I think it is ego. Ego that he is losing his work, his house and here I am with everything.

Anyway, I am giving him his space don't worry.
It's just that I found something very beautiful and special and I never, ever have that. Last time I had that was in 2005.