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Advice Vixens

A week ago my boyfriend lost his job. He was pretty-much living check to check and we do not live together; therefore, we are paying all of our own expenses separately. I felt bad for him and so last weekend I handed him $100 cash, just to help out. He was very gracious and appreciative; said he wasn't expecting it and kept saying 'thank you so much', etc.

Well, tonight is New Years Eve 2020, and while I don't expect a big night on the town or expensive wine and dinner or a hotel room or anything, I did at least expect us to get some take-out (maybe chinese or a good pizza. $20 tops), before going out to watch fireworks. We were just on the phone discussing food and he flat out refused for us to do what I want for dinner. He said, "We shouldn't be spending extra money!!" So I said, "Can we use part of the money I gave you the other day?" And he got mad! It was a very touchy subject.

I'm a little mad too.... I didn't have to give him that cash or any at all and he can't spring for a pizza (for us)? On NYE?

I was just thinking, gosh, if someone gave me $100 a few days ago, I would be like, 'wherever you want.' for takeout.

What do you think Vixens, am I being to hard on him/expecting too much/being unreasonable?

I don't really care what we have for dinner (we can cook) or about the money, it's just how touchy he got about it. Jeez. I guess I should be more understanding.

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    He just lost his job and doesn't know when he'll be making money again, so right now, $100 means something very different to him than it does to you. It will put gas in his tank so he can drive to job interviews or buy groceries or pay bills. He can't afford to spend even $5 on something that isn't a necessity. So yes - even though you were very generous giving him that money, you are being unreasonable about how he spends it. A bit more understanding on your part will go a long way.

    And please tell your boyfriend I hope he finds a new job very soon!

    reply to Jill
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    Giving someone $100 is generous. Turning around and then suggesting that part of the $100 be spent on you? Well, that kinda takes the generous spirit out of things.

    He reacted the way he did because he thought the initial gift showed that you understood the position he was in; your suggestion of how he should spend it showed that you really did not. In fact, your suggestion could be interpreted as "I love you for the money you spend on us -- so if you don't have the money to spend, there really isn't any love here."

    Now I'm sure this wasn't your intention, and I'm also certain you don't actually feel this way. But his reaction *should* act as a reminder that we all need to step back sometimes and try to more fully comprehend the other person's point of view. He's in a tough spot right now, and he was blindsided -- a person he thought was supportive of his situation seriously undercut that support. (If you *really* didn't care what was for dinner, why didn't you just say "hey, let's cook something, that'll be fun" instead of trying to force him to spend money he can't spare?)

    In summary? If you're going to be generous, that's great! But remember that giving someone a gift means that THEY get to decide what to do with it. That's just part of the generosity.

    reply to Kal
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    I agree with Jill and Kal.

    Obviously, you didn't mean any harm in mentioning the money. It just didn't occur to you that maybe he already spent it on food and gas or paying a bill.

    A few months ago I got fired with no savings and it took my new job more than six weeks to pay me. I got a direct deposit in the high four figures and had to spend more than half of it on overdue bills to keep things from being turned off, and I was embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't hold onto more of it. One hundred dollars would have been gone in five minutes.

    So, yeah. I would apologize for not thinking before I spoke and then NEVER bring it up again.

    reply to Robynne
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