Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Hello Vixies! I moved about a month ago from a small town to NYC to be with my husband since he works there. I left a well paying job to be with him. Its a good opportunity for me start a new career since it was almost impossible for us to find a job in the same location.
My husband drove all the 11 hours to bring me here.
But somehow I am feeling frustrated. We live in a decent sized one bedroom apartment but there is only one closet. Right now it has all his clothes in it. There is not much space to fit all my clothes let alone half of them. My husband is very busy with his work and does the laundry and takes care of all the various doctors appointments we have had to go to. I do all the cooking and most of the kitchen cleaning and dishes.
I have injured my foot so i am unable to go out much. The only time I get out is to get groceries with my husband.
That is another thing that frustates me. In my previous town my apartment had parking right in front of it. But here we park far away because parking in the building is super expensive. Its a 10 minute walk to the garage and then a drive to get a groceries and is fairly tedious. Me and my husband get groceries once a week.
Also i just dont know how to organize this house. I should be happy because i have a lot of time but the clutter drives me crazy and I am unable to focus. My husband takes 0 interest in organizing this house better. And since most of it is his stuff i dont know what to do.
I know its wrong but i keep thinking that had this been my older town i could have bought a huge house with a better quality of life. But i knew all this before marrying him and I signed up for this.
My earlier relationship ended for a similar reason because I was always dissatisfied and nothing my ex did was enough.
But i feel its me making all the compromises where as my husband has not done something as basic as making space for me in his apartment. I have managed to figure out where to put all my things except my clothes and am living out of a suitcase. I go out only once a week because of my leg but it still bothers me.
Is it my responsibility to figure out how to organize this house? This clutter is making me feel very bad tempered and i keep picking fights with my husband.
Am i being unreasonable and ungrateful?
Also he is very busy with work and cfa and barely makes any time for me everyday. I just feel very unloved and i think i am also acting in such a way that makes it hard for the other person because I get snappy sometimes. I am an introvert so the lack of company does not bother me much. But he rarely replies to my texts and even on weekends he is mostly studying. Everytime he talks to me I literally feel like I am on a clock because he has so much to do. He does not say it but it just feels that way.
I recently visited family in another city and my husband did not seem to miss me much. It makes me even more mad somehow though being mad at someone is not a good way to get on their good side.
What is it I can do to be happier? I know I have a lot to be grateful for but how do i feel more positive?

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    Living in a city like NYC where space is at a premium is always a challenge, especially if you're arriving from a small town. Yes, you probably could have bought a palace in Schenectady for the same amount of money you're spending on a one-bedroom in New York. But this is just part of the deal you accept when you move to any large city....

    So part of the frustration is adjusting to a small, possibly cramped space. This will get better with time, but an NYC one-bedroom will never feel like a wide-open vista.

    Some of your frustration, however, also seems to be coming from the fact that *neither* of you have really planned very well for this move. Okay, granted, he didn't really have a plan for how to integrate your stuff into the apartment ... but you don't seem to have a plan either. Which means you need to make some decisions and claim some space, rather than sitting there glumly looking at your suitcase. This is not *all* on you, of course -- he absolutely needs to help you with this, no matter how busy work is keeping him -- but the dynamics are such that you need to get the ball rolling. Right now, he probably doesn't even think that space is a problem! (Guys can be kind of clueless this way.) You need to kindly but firmly tell him why it is a problem ... and offer your solutions, while allowing him to offer his. And then you need to work to implement those solutions.

    Getting the apartment in order will go a long way towards making you feel better. Having a place to live that you're comfortable in, and where you have actual closet space, can make the days a LOT brighter.

    However, if constant dissatisfaction is a continuing pattern in your life? And it's getting in the way of relationships? You really need to consider seeing a therapist. There may be some underlying issues that need to be addressed, so that you can work on strategies to find greater happiness when you ARE in positive situations.

    Good luck!

    reply to Kal
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    Okay, there's a lot going on here.

    But, the first thing you need to do -- for your own peace of mind -- is STOP ascribing motives to your husband. You cannot read his mind.

    When you say things like --

    "He does not say it but it just feels that way."
    " ... my husband did not seem to miss me much."
    "I just feel very unloved"

    -- you are not actually talking about him. You are talking about you.

    Those things are feelings and feelings are not facts.

    Your husband drove 11 hours to fetch you. He does the laundry and grocery shopping, so he's at least attempting to be a partner in practical ways, if not in the exact emotional ways that you want him to.

    That's a start, right?

    To get the rest of the way there, I would go ahead and organize the apartment. You live there. It is your home. Put his clutter to one side and in a quiet time say "I've got some of your things here and I don't know what to do with them. Maybe on Saturday we can go through and find places for them."

    Basically, stop acting like a house guest and be a wife. <3

    The other -- and even more important -- thing is to stop comparing NYC to the small town that you left. Suffering is resistance to what is. You and your husband live in NYC now, so you need to make the best life there that you can.

    I don't mean to sound harsh. I know how hard adjusting to a new place and new situation is. I'm about to do it myself. Again.

    But, the best way I have ever found to cope with change is to make sure you are living in reality. It is entirely possible that once you stop trying to read his mind, stop comparing your new home to your old one, make it feel like your home by reorganizing, settle in and relax, your husband will also relax. You have nothing to lose by trying, right?



    reply to Robynne
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