Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Advice please:
Iíve had a friend with benefits for a few years off and on. Heís always said he doesnít want a relationship or girlfriend. Yet, by a fluke I saw him on a dating app clearly stating he wants that. So yes, he wants it but not with me.
One time, he did say to me he liked me, really liked me.
WTF
Anyway, something very bad happened last year, he wasnít supportive, and I blocked him and stopped seeing him.
I bumped into him in the street by a fluke , he said hi as he quickly went by, he was with a coworker and couldnít talk, and now canít stop thinking about him.
Yes I still blocked him,but he could send me a text message still. )I blocked him on WhatsApp, his preferred method)
Should I unblock him and see if he messages me?
Should I contact him?
How can someone be pathetic and want someone who doesnít want you?
I keep thinking heíll want me in a relationship as we are good together, have good chemistry, like the same things, have great banter.

I donít get it.


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    Keep him blocked and out of your life.

    He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you. I'd be willing to bet he probably doesn't really want a relationship with anyone else either ... he just figures he'll get more hits on the dating app by *saying* he does. But really? What this guy wants is a friends-with-benefits situation that he can just walk away from if it gets too intense or complicated or difficult, or if there's one single thing about it that doesn't cater specifically to him.

    But you can't post THAT on a dating site....so hey, he's posting that he wants a "relationship".

    I understand that you're looking at the positives this guy had (chemistry, banter), and figuring that it would be great if it were like that all the time. But it won't be. Emotional manipulation, lying, and deserting you when things get tough? Those are an inescapable part of the package with this guy.

    You made the right move in blocking him. Keep with it!


    reply to Kal
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    Thank you so, so much. I appreciate that. I will keep doing as I am doing. You are so right on the money.

    reply to anonymous
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    People are like puzzle pieces. You might both be wonderful, and you might even fit together along one edge, but if one of you is a gorgeous blue sky and the other is a fabulous rock, you don't necessarily go together.

    The worst thing I see people do, the most unnecessary pain they put themselves through, is in believing that if a person doesn't want a relationship it is because there is something wrong with *THEM*.

    This is rarely true.

    Some people instinctively realize that the fit is not 100% comfortable and instead of trying to force it, they move on. That's not only okay, it is healthy.

    That said, this guy doesn't sound particularly mature, or self-aware, and he is certainly not kind enough to be partner material outside of the bedroom. Or wherever.

    You did the right thing by blocking him. I know you already know that, I'm just offering a little extra validation. <3

    reply to Robynne
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    Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Honestly.

    reply to anonymous
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    Anon, right now it is your brain hooked up on hormones and the pleasure-reward centre that has taken over. It is also your brain trying to figure out a puzzle: why, if I do this this maybe I get that. All of the focus in on him. And it should be on you.

    This is just an obsession, you are probably after him because you cannot have him. Find something else that is pleasurable and makes you feel good, start a new project, give your brain something else to obsess about and a guy more interested in you than this one.

    E. Jean's 11 day man cure works! Good luck! We have all been there.

    reply to Gerbera
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