Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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Has anyone had an experience of friends hitting blatantly on you knowing you were married? My husband lives in another city and I had one of male friends over for tea. I ended up making dinner and we were just chatting. This friend works in my company and we have hung out together several times one on one and gone for walks and stuff. He has also met my husband. We also have common friends
So the other day he was over and we chatted for a couple of hours and he got up to leave around 11 pm-ish and we were talking near my door and he says my heart is beating really fast do you want to hear it? I kept my distance and said nah its happened to me sometimes i know what you mean. Then he said dont mind me saying this I really want to kiss you. I was shocked. I just told him you need to go home at which he repeated you are so beautiful i want to kiss you. I wont tell anyone. At which point I think my expression changed and I told him you need to go home now. He left after that. I dont know this seems like a trivial thing and people have gone through way worse things but I feel so disturbed. Even writing this made me cringe. After that he called me and apologized and said that it was just a moment please forgive me and dont tell anyone what I said. We actually have a lot of common friends. I work in the corporate field with lots of men and i have a few male friends. Noone has ever made a pass at me even when I was single and always respected boundaries. I dont drink so there was no alcohol involved.
I dont know I feel like its my fault and somehow I lead him on. I am just horrified and ashamed. I think i complimented him that evening and while talking i said my husband is the most practical person , even if i cheat on him he will weigh that I am otherwise a good wife and not make an issue. This is true does not mean i ever would. I absolutely love my husband and would never cross that line with anyone.
I feel like a fool because it must have given this friend the wrong signal.
Even when I sit i always make it a point to keep a 1 metre distance. Noone has disrespected my boundaries this way.
And now i dont feel like talking to my other male friends even though they have always been very decent.
I feel so mad at this friend and i think he is a rotten person. I feel ashamed of this and I have not told anyone here. The only place i felt comfortable talking about it is this forum!

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    I dont know I feel like its my fault and somehow I lead him on.

    Nope. I promise you, this is 100% on him. You didn't give out confusing signals, or somehow 'entice' him into this. You were chatting, treating him like a friend, and he thought "what the hell, let's see if she'll respond to some moves."

    It's upsetting, absolutely. But be upset with *him*, not yourself!

    reply to Kal
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    This is NOT your fault.

    Some people honestly cannot not separate feelings of affection from sexual attraction.

    Movies, TV shows, books, all tell us the giant lie that if you feel something for someone, it is DESTINY!!! And you have to GO FOR IT!

    But, 99% of the time, it's not. And you don't.

    It's affection, connection and pleasure at being with someone who understands and appreciates us. This is why movie stars "fall in love" on set and then break up two years later. They confuse lust and connection with adult love, and the lust phase of a relationship only lasts about a year, maybe 18 months.

    So, you were kind to your friend, treated him like a human being, cooked for him, laughed with him and generally offered him a lovely evening. That made him feel good and he confused it for romantic attachment.

    The fact that he apologized is good, and that he did not put his hands on you and that he took "No" for an answer are also both very, very good.

    But I would tell someone, preferably a friend or family member who you can trust not to blab about it. This is for your protection, because someone immature enough to make a pass like that might also be immature enough to get his ego bruised if he thinks about it too much.

    Chances are that he will never bother you again, and that he won't tell anyone, but it's best to be safe.

    And, once again -- you did nothing wrong.
    Not. One. Thing.






    reply to Robynne
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