Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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Breaking Girl code or is this just nonsense?

So I have had a friend for over 10 years. We are not very tight but we do find time to hang out with each other, have home made lunch and everything else. Like a matured type of friendship. And during these ten years, I have only known one person she dated. I only knew because they had broken up and she was sad- I had to take her out and cheer her up. Btw, the guy was married!
Fast forward to a month ago, I meet a guy whoís cute and single. He invites me to dinner and ask for a relationship knowing I am single. Because I donít know much of him, I asked that we be friends for a while at least so that I study him and make a proper decision on dating.

I have been with this friend several times and this guy calls. She knows him well. At one time she even had my phone when he called and she gave it to me. Few days later, he comes to visit me and my brother tells me that my friend used to date the guy. I was surprised. I then asked the guy and he said true, they had a fling about 7 years ago over the Christmas but it didnít work. I then decided to tell her that this guy is talking to me and I have just found out they dated. I said, I like him as a friend but if you have a problem with me talking to him, I will stop. My friend abruptly shut me up with a ďno we are not dating- go ahead storyĒ. So I and the guy remain friends.
Three weeks ago he invited me to his house and we sat at the pool and had some drinks. I had made a snap of the pool. A few minutes later, my friend views my snap and went loose, sending me over 20 messages in a short while and blocking me! Her first message was why am I flirting with someone she dated!

I went to see her the next day to talk. Again she stated that sheís not dating the guy and she cannot stop me from being his friend, but she canít be my friend any more. She then used the time to tell me about my ex donation and visit he made to her business over 4 years ago (my ex told me but she never did).

Now I think I really like this guy and I want to have a relationship with him. I just donít know how. Should I or should I not? This friend of over ten years never mentioned she dated this guy until I found out from my brother. How serious is this? What can I do?

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    It's rarely worth dating someone at the cost of a long-term friendship. However, going by what you've written, she's already told you that "she canít be [your] friend any more". So it sounds to me like she's already shut down the friendship.

    If that's true, and the friendship -- which you state is 'not very tight', and seems to exist basically on a surface level -- really *is* over? Then you have no reason not to date this guy. Don't get ahead of yourself and think this is a relationship, though. It's just dating right now.

    BUT...do you *want* the friendship with her to continue? I don't really see signs that you do -- from the way you've described it, this is someone you hang out and eat sandwiches with, but there's no real depth to your conversations. At least in this post, she comes off more like a long-term acquaintance than a close friend. And her behaviour is certainly erratic and childish.

    However...is there more to this woman than I'm seeing here? Has she been a beacon of support and encouragement for you in hard times? Does she normally give truly excellent, thoughtful advice? Does she make really, really top-notch home-made sandwiches?

    If two of the three above things are true, then it may be worth having a follow-up conversation with her, to talk about what her experience with this guy was, and why she was so thrown off by your interest in him. And then make your decision from there.

    reply to Kal
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