Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Hey Vixies. I am feeling really frustated. I was going to live with with my husband in NY. He is currently very busy preparing for his CFA level 1 exam. It is very intensive and he has been slogging for it over the last 6 months. His job was pretty hectic as well so almost for these months he has not slept more than 5 6 hours every night. I wanted to take an intenational trip before I left so he came with me to Greece in March. (I wont be able to leave the country and come back later because of my visa status)But other than that i have visited him 6 times in NY and he has visited me once because he is busy with studies. We had decided we would move after his exam because moving is a lot of work and we have an 11 hour drive to NY. I am here on a visa and i will need some visa processing and application before i can leave my employer which will take some time. But whenever I talk to my husband about moving he only has one answer. Lets talk about it after my exam. All my friends and family keep asking me when I am moving and it keeps getting extended. I also need to give a months notice to my apartment complex to vacate it. I am a planner and I generally plan ahead. It is frustating me that we still dont have a date for me to move. I feel like screaming at my husband but his exam is on June 15th and he is working very long hours to clear it.
What should I do? I hate being stuck in limbo. I have 2 days holiday for July 4th but we have no plan as yet whether we are moving or going somewhere and now all the tickets are too expensive. I am boiling today for some reason. How should i handle this? My last relationship failed because of excessive expectations and being impossible to please. I dont realize that my expectations are unreasonable at the time. I also have trouble figuring out what is worth getting angry and what is not?

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    I've pondered getting my CFP so understand how tough those exams are, particularly when you are working full time. I can only say that I'd personally be able to discuss my spouse's move during that time, but that's me - perhaps your husband does not have the ability to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. If that's the case, tell him that you and he WILL be discussing this on the 16th. He's gotten his way about this long enough and if he continues to push back, you'll have your answer about whether or not you'll ever be with him in New York.

    And yes - being in limbo is maddening. However, you have an end date to this that's coming up pretty quickly. In the meantime, do your own planning: sort out what will be going with you and what will be discarded or donated, whether you'll be going with a mover, renting a U-Haul truck or making multiple trips with your vehicle(s), who to contact to discontinue the services you are currently using, who will need a change-of-address notice. Make a plan for this now so that when you do have that date, you will be able to get everything done as methodically as possible. It's been my experience that actually taking some steps yourself can alleviate the anxiety of being in limbo.

    reply to Jill
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    Thats great advice Jill! I will start planning for my move :). I blew up on him the other day and his reasoning was that he is still waiting on his company lawyer to prepare my docs and he does not want to take any chances especially with the current immigration laws.

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    Just wanted to check in with you to see how it has gone, now that the test is over.

    reply to Jill
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    Hey thanks a lot for checking back with me :). He talked to his HR and they gave him 2 options. His H1B extension can be done in another 2 weeks or they can do mine first and refile whichever is quicker. So still no date yet. He told them to do whichever is quicker.
    But somehow I just lost it and screamed at him. I told him if he does not want me there I can atleast go for a promotion here and further my career. I dont know why i want to move so much because my life here is pretty good. I am set in my job and have friends here as well.
    I wonder if I will hate it after moving because jobs in NY are a lot more fast paced than the ones in Indiana.
    Our fight yesterday started going down like my previous relationship. I somehow controlled my anger but not before saying some mean things. I was really mad because all these things should have been figured out by now. He could have just found out from his lawyers back in April when we had decided i would move after June. But it is past and i dont know why i am getting angry about it now.
    I see all my friends and they seem so calm and forgiving. I dont get why i cant be like that. It would definitely make my own life easier.
    Am i right in being mad? Or is it my over expectations coming into play again? I really dont want to be the person i was in my previous relationship. I had a couple of promotion offers that I had declined because I was moving there and i wasent sure if i would like doing those jobs.

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    I recommend stepping back and counting to ten (or taking a few breaths). The stress of your situation has been accumulating for a while now. So you're likely reacting to a long line of stressors rather than the current situation at hand. Other than lashing out, do you tell your husband how this current situation is affecting you? Maybe he needs this spelled out.

    Also, it looks like there's a light starting to appear at the end of the tunnel, so this will be resolved in the near future one way or the other. And whether you stay or go, your life is going to change. Humans are hard-wired to resist change, so your subconscious reaction is contributing to your conscious stress about this. So yeah - stress. Multiple stressors.

    Can you see a therapist? Because you should talk to a non-involved third party and sort out all of these feelings. And learn some effective ways to cope with the situation you're in right now.

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    anonymous wrote: Hey thanks a lot for checking back with me :). He talked to his HR and they gave him 2 options. His H1B extension can be done in another 2 weeks or they can do mine first and refile whichever is quicker. So still no date yet. He told them to do whichever is quicker. But somehow I just lost it and screamed at him. I told him if he does not want me there I can atleast go for a promotion here and further my career. I dont know why i want to move so much because my life here is pretty good. I am set in my job and have friends here as well. I wonder if I will hate it after moving because jobs in NY are a lot more fast paced than the ones in Indiana. Our fight yesterday started going down like my previous relationship. I somehow controlled my anger but not before saying some mean things. I was really mad because all these things should have been figured out by now. He could have just found out from his lawyers back in April when we had decided i would move after June. But it is past and i dont know why i am getting angry about it now. I see all my friends and they seem so calm and forgiving. I dont get why i cant be like that. It would definitely make my own life easier. Am i right in being mad? Or is it my over expectations coming into play again? I really dont want to be the person i was in my previous relationship. I had a couple of promotion offers that I had declined because I was moving there and i wasent sure if i would like doing those jobs.

    Expecting your husband to take part in having you live in the same place is not unreasonable by any measure. He's your HUSBAND. Not sometimes--all the time.

    You are allowed to be angry. You do not have to beat yourself up because you had a feeling and he was made uncomfortable by it. I don't know what all you said or done--it's possible you stepped over a line, I would have no idea. But let's start here: It is not out of line to have expectations or to be angry. Those things, in and of themselves are not unreasonable.

    It seems this is an ongoing problem that I'm not as familiar with as the other vixens, but it sounds like to me you both need to have a discussion about what your marriage means, what it is you're committed to, and what it is that you need. It has to be honest. You can't minimize what you need--because if you do, he won't deliver and you will resent it. I would do it with a therapist if possible.

    reply to Samantha
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    Hello! Thanks a lot for your support. Yes you are right. He is still trying to figure things out with his lawyers and HR. My blood boils whenever this topic comes up. I ended up screaming my head off at him today for an hour. To his credit he kept his cool and did not snap at me.
    His HR is pretty useless and keep blowing him off. I am just mad because even now there is no concrete date. The process with his HR is started but they have not gotten to the lawyers. Its moving forward but not at the speed I would like.
    I feel like screaming some more but i dont think its right. But i had been telling him to do this for months. We are still looking at a month and half minimum before I move there.
    How do you all handle expectations in your relationship? Like how to express anger? I just end up exploding. And i keep looping back to what should have been done. I dont even feel like seeing my therapist because even her reaction is like i am surprised you are still here. My friends my family all keep asking me and it gets on my nerves. No one generally bothers my husband.
    You are right about multiple stressors Jill. And i think too much into the future which is unnecessary.

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    You are a planner - that's an integral part of your personality. Your husband is a reactor - and that's an integral part of his personality. Your situation is so stressful because the gatekeeper (your husband) is not a planner and this situation NEEDS one.

    However, since your husband is the gatekeeper in this situation and is handling this in a way that is frustrating to you, my advice is to stop letting his shortcomings control how you live your life. Make your own plans and live your life as if nothing is going to be settled for several years. Take the job you want. Extend your lease. Tell your friends and family that keep asking you "when?" to back off already. Right now, you've put your life in this limbo that is being controlled by your husband's inability to get anything done. Stop letting him have that much control over your life. Live your own life and when he gets his head out of his behind and actually makes some progress, then you can start having a discussion about when YOU will be ready to move.

    reply to Jill
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