Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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Recently I had two encounters with two different men, and we shared our very personal and vulnerable sides. One man wanted to kiss and get hot and heavy and I refused because I felt it was too fast. Afterwards, he did not pursue. The other man I was totally into never replied to my email and a text after our great heart to heart conversation. Though we were at the same venue for a week, and kept running into each other, he chose to ignore my written communication. I was sure that he liked me. What am I doing wrong?

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    You did absolutely nothing wrong.

    The first guy just wanted sex. When you didn't give him what he wanted, he was done with you. If all you wanted was some casual sex for a short time, he would have been the guy for you. But you didn't and he did. The two of you differed about what you wanted, that's all. And good on you for not giving in when it wasn't what you wanted.

    The second guy, I'm sure, enjoyed your company and conversation, but that was it. You followed up and he didn't respond in the hope that you understood he wasn't interested in more than that. It happens. Sometimes you can have a marvelous evening with someone, but either of you may not want to take it any further because the spark isn't there. I'll bet there have been times when you've had fascinating conversations with someone who ultimately you were not interested in dating.

    You sound like someone who knows what she wants and can set good boundaries (e.g. willing to put the brakes on the first guy); that's pretty rare, nowadays, so you are already ahead of the game. So my advice is to continue to show interest in men you find fascinating - in some cases, the feeling will be mutual and you can go from there.

    reply to Jill
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    As always, my advice is to listen to Jill.

    You did not do anything wrong. I have lots of male friends with whom I have incredibly intense conversations, but even before I was spoken for, I just wasn't interested in them romantically. Nor they in me. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with any of us.

    People are like jigsaw puzzle pieces. You might both be a piece of the top left corner, or different parts of a cloud, but that doesn't mean you fit together.

    Keep on living your life, and when you do meet someone don't put any pressure on yourself or on the encounter. You don't need to snag a man. That's not what dating is about.

    You just need to have fun trying different combinations and eventually you will find a good fit.

    And, as Jill said, congratulations on holding your boundaries with that first guy. Even here in 2019, we see way too many women thinking that if they give in and have sex before they are really ready, it will bond the guy to them. It doesn't work that way, and good for you for knowing that.

    Good luck!

    reply to Robynne
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