Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Hey i had written about moving to my husbands city. I got another offer which will give me 2 weeks wfh(work from home) after i have trained with them for 3 months. At the end of 6 months they will reevaluate and the wfh will go either go up or down.
This was what me and my husband had decided when we got married that it would be me who would relocate. He is way ahead in his green card processing and makes more than I do. The job offer i have gotten is very demanding and I am not sure how well i would be able to do it.
We came to the conclusion that if it does not work out we would be back to square one and we would have lost more time. Also this new job ex wont help me in NY.
The best course of action would be for me to leave my job and learn a new skill and find something in NY. I always knew this was going to happen.
But as I come close to putting in my 2 weeks notice i am getting increasingly angry and frustrated. Everything is going to change for me my city giving up my job and my husband does not have to change a thing. It is making me feel very resentful and angry with him. I don't think it is good for my relationship.
My therapist says that this was what was decided when we got married and I am the one that is changing my mind.
My husband is willing to support me in whatever i do and if i try to look at it positively its a great opportunity for me to figure out what i want and pursue it.
I don't know why i cant though and i just find myself close to tears and i feel like lashing out at my husband.
Finding a job in a common location is not an option as i don't know what is out there for me and it would take god knows how long.
Its my birthday today and I have to decline the job offer I got in my company.
I think i am being thankless and people have much bigger problems.
How do I get past this? and be ok with leaving my job?
I find myself blaming him for the move and i am increasingly unpleasant. My previous relationship ended because of the same reason and i think i am going down the same path. I think i am going to have a tendency for blaming him for everything that would go wrong in the move.
My husband is very change averse and is stuck in his hectic job for years. I am asking him to apply and try new things but he is sorta like let me learn a 100 new skills and then I will try. While I feel that he should atleast try now. He is already 34. I don't think it is right on my part and I am trying not be pushy but I think if I am making such a big change for him he owes it to us to further his career.
He worked his ass off when they made him team lead and would barely reply to my texts during the day. He kept saying let me get this experience and then i can switch but the other day his boss's boss told him that this title does not even matter and he should be actually doing something else.
But he just keeps saying that I need to learn this and be prepared and do this and then I will try.
Its frustrating because just like his team lead experience i don't think it matters much. He is waiting for the stars to align when he is a 100% prepared but that time is never going to come. there is always more you can learn.
I feel frustrated that i am leaving my job and his seems like a dead end. He slogged his ass off and he did not even get a raise this year. And his boss has told him next year is going to be the same. And they are putting more people under him. So he is basically doing all that extra work for nothing.

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    On paper, it makes more sense to move and join him; he's more established, makes more money, it was your original agreement, etc.

    But you also know that he is extremely risk-adverse, which is keeping him in a situation where he is being taken advantage of, but he won't do anything about it. Most employees are, to a certain extent, but his situation seems to be particularly acute. But he's not going to do anything about it.

    I think that's part of your frustration, knowing that it's very likely that any future compromises will be yours, not just this one, since your husband tends to occupy not just a rut but a chasm.

    So I think before you up-end your life, the two of you need to get joint counseling to see if it will ever be possible for the two of you to meet in the middle. Because a lifetime of compromise and change on only one person will get really old.

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