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Advice Vixens

Dear Vixens,

Can you please tell me if this is just really mean or basic male cluelessness?

I met someone in early July and he was so keen. The big caveat is that he lives in the next city and we are both busy so visiting each other was not easy. Plus it's unusual when a relationship starts as long distance. I, however, am a hopeless romantic..

We had some great weekends, but then one weekday he texted me saying his ex had moved back to his current city from abroad, but that they were just friends. I had heard about her as the one who had wounded him very badly and had blocked him by phone and social media. She left him because he would not leave his wife (!). I don't excuse that, but I don't judge it too much when marriages effectively die, but the couple's life with their kids and neighbors is worth staying in a dead marriage for. Then the girlfriend left, blocked him and so on. He, devastated, he told his wife, who kicked him out and then basically took him for he was worth and kept all the friends. (Fair enough.) So the guy had a year of distress. The ex in the meantime had met someone and gotten engaged, and then her fiance had died suddenly in an accident in mid July.

Now even after he told me the ex was around and that they were just friends (that he had been too hurt by her and she was not ready for anything), he came here for a weekend and we had a great time. And I decided the ex was not important.

Today he called to say he would be in town the weekend of the 22nd, but he would be with her. And did I want to meet them for drinks?... He explained that nothing had happened between them, but they had once had a great weekend here. He said they were starting from zero as friends... He's lying right? He keeps saying he has learned his lesson and will never lie again. I'm hurt and angry and I was on the phone crying, of all the useless things..

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    Hey really sorry to hear about your distress. He may or may not be lying about his girl friend but from the looks of it, he does not seem as invested in this as you are.
    If a serious relationship is what you are looking for then this is not the guy for you.
    I can understand how hurtful it is when someone gives you mixed signals and its inexplicable as to how they cannot feel the same way when you have had such a great time together!
    But unfortunately that is the case a lot of times.
    I feel as a woman you deserve someone for whom you are top priority and trust me there are a lot of men that would be very happy to be with you.

    reply to Shalini
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    Can you please tell me if this is just really mean or basic male cluelessness?


    First of all, it doesn't have to be one or the other -- it can be both.

    More important? It doesn't really matter. Anyone either that mean or that spectacularly idiotic (or both) is not someone you need to waste your time with.

    But here's the *real* kicker -- you seem to have completely bought in to his version of events. To review the events *without* his positive spin...

    - He had an ongoing secret affair while married.
    - His wife left him only when she found out about it, indicating the marriage wasn't previously 'dead' in her eyes.
    - None of his friends stuck by him, which is a strong sign that they didn't buy his version of the story.
    - Now the ex-girlfriend is back in the picture at a time when she is particularly emotionally vulnerable. What a coincidence!
    - Tellingly, he has to repeatedly try to convince you that "he has learned his lesson and will never lie again."

    Anon, there is a 0% chance that he's telling the actual truth about everything that's happened, let alone about everything that's going on between the two of them now. And somehow there's even LESS of a chance this will all turn out well if you keep him around in your life.

    Decline the invitation, and start looking elsewhere for companionship.

    And be very wary of guys who have life stories which involve them betraying others ... but their behaviour somehow in their eyes is never actually their fault.

    reply to Kal
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    Kal wrote: Can you please tell me if this is just really mean or basic male cluelessness? First of all, it doesn't have to be one or the other -- it can be both. More important? It doesn't really matter. Anyone either that mean or that spectacularly idiotic (or both) is not someone you need to waste your time with. But here's the *real* kicker -- you seem to have completely bought in to his version of events. To review the events *without* his positive spin... - He had an ongoing secret affair while married. - His wife left him only when she found out about it, indicating the marriage wasn't previously 'dead' in her eyes. - None of his friends stuck by him, which is a strong sign that they didn't buy his version of the story. - Now the ex-girlfriend is back in the picture at a time when she is particularly emotionally vulnerable. What a coincidence! - Tellingly, he has to repeatedly try to convince you that "he has learned his lesson and will never lie again." Anon, there is a 0% chance that he's telling the actual truth about everything that's happened, let alone about everything that's going on between the two of them now. And somehow there's even LESS of a chance this will all turn out well if you keep him around in your life. Decline the invitation, and start looking elsewhere for companionship. And be very wary of guys who have life stories which involve them betraying others ... but their behaviour somehow in their eyes is never actually their fault.

    Thank-you Kal. I think you are 100% right. There were some other suspicious signs that I ignored.

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    anonymous wrote: Thank-you Kal. I think you are 100% right. There were some other suspicious signs that I ignored.

    Thanks for stopping back by and letting us know! Sorry this guy didn't work out ... but at least you know now some warning signs to pay attention to. Forewarned is forearmed for next time!


    reply to Kal
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