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Vixens, I am destroying everything I am left with. HELP!!!

I had posted about my 4 year live in relationship and a breakup. An ass who left me for another female cos she helped him land a job. I have received numerous texts from him asking me to wait for him, complaining that he's just doing this to survive and he's not in love with her. He wants to come home and make love to me. I am in a healing process and it sucks! I have logged out of every social media page just to avoid seeing him and his life. But i can't keep my hands off at times and look for him to see what's going on. I even deleted all apps.

I have just started a new course and am trying to re-direct my life. I got some of the amazing advice from Jill, Barbara and Karl but I am afraid I might end up ruining everything.

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    Anon, you know you will regret this. We have all been there and we regret it.

    To be honest with you, your ex sounds like a piece of work.
    How nice of him to let you know he left you for another woman only so he could get a job. The things people do these days just to get a job! (eye roll).
    He is "just doing this to survive"? Is that so? He was literally starving, evicted and out in the cold and this was his last chance to have a job?

    Listen, I like the strategy of giving his phone number to a friend and then you delete it, block it etc. Same for social media, email.

    You then give yourself 30 days to carry on with your life.
    Do your best. It will hurt: what you lost, your feelings, the betrayal, his absence. Let yourself go through it. Buy yourself the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken". Show up in your own life even though you do not feel like it. Find love and joy elsewhere, playing with a dog, babysit a kid, take a bubblebath and have a glass of champagne. It might feel fake but trust me, go with it. Go along and your brain will follow. Your heart too.

    You see, your brain is playing tricks on you. It is just hormonal. Taking some distance will help. This is a woman's journey, find help from family and friends to cope.

    You can do this. Hugs and let us know how you are doing.


    reply to Gerbera
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    Btw, I like these tips from Dita Von Teese: http://adrinkwith.com/dita-von-teese/

    reply to Gerbera
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    Oh, please.

    "Honey, you know I had to leave you in order to survive!"

    Really?

    Someone had a gun to his head?

    No, no, no. It is tempting to take him back because the nasty little ego voice we all have is telling you that if you do that, you have somehow "won" over the other woman.

    Uh-uh. Nope.

    He left you for a fling, not a job. If you let him come back he will absolutely do it again because you'd be telling him that's okay with you. Actions speak louder than words, my friend.

    You can put your foot down and tell him you won't put up with it again, you can talk until your pretty face turns blue.

    But if you take him back, he will do this again. Because taking him back tells him he can.

    Wipe him off your shoes and move on. You deserve better.

    reply to Robynne
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    You're doing well in terms of logging off social media, but BLOCK HIS POSTS.

    Why?

    Everything he posts on social media is a lie.

    I'm not guessing about this. Everything he posts is designed to make him look attractive, and the truth of the matter be damned. He uses social media (and a certain supercilious charm of manner) as a tool to lure the unwary.

    Block him, block him, block him. NOT because you are weak (you're not!), but because you're strong enough to cut out lying, manipulative ne'er-do-wells from your life.

    He is not your responsibility, and he is certainly not your soulmate. In fact, he's beneath your notice -- not to mention beneath contempt. Perhaps in two or three years, you'll be in a place where you can laugh at his pitiful attempts to mimic actual human feelings and speech ... but for now do not spend another second of your life reading his cretinous drivel.

    If you want to read something? Read Robynne and Gerbera's advice again. Then maybe read some Jane Austen or P.G. Wodehouse or Dave Barry or whatever makes you laugh. Then read Robynne and Gerbera's advice some more!

    And don't hesitate to come back and post if you need some help as you navigate your way through this. It's tough right now, but it DOES get better ... promise!

    reply to Kal
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    I would like to add a couple of additional points to Gerbera's Robynne's and Kal's excellent advice. This guy and his mind games took up an inordinate amount of your brain space while you were together. After four years of this, your brain has become accustomed to being in this situation - it feels natural and familiar even though it was horribly wrong and unhealthy. So your brain is unconsciously undermining your attempts to get free of your waste-of-oxygen ex.

    So you're going to have to allow your brain to re-calibrate itself back to it's pre-douchebag boyfriend state. Understanding that this is what is going on and reminding yourself of that when the urge strikes you to look in on what he's doing can help you resist the effort.

    One more thing: if you erase him from your life completely, your heartbreak will be finite. You will over him (which WILL happen, I promise) and your life will, once again be your own. But if you stay in contact with him and allow him back into your life, your hurt and heartbreak will not end and you will be ceding control over your life to someone not worthy of even one nanosecond of your time.

    reply to Jill
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    Gerbera wrote: Anon, you know you will regret this. We have all been there and we regret it. To be honest with you, your ex sounds like a piece of work. How nice of him to let you know he left you for another woman only so he could get a job. The things people do these days just to get a job! (eye roll). He is "just doing this to survive"? Is that so? He was literally starving, evicted and out in the cold and this was his last chance to have a job? Listen, I like the strategy of giving his phone number to a friend and then you delete it, block it etc. Same for social media, email. You then give yourself 30 days to carry on with your life. Do your best. It will hurt: what you lost, your feelings, the betrayal, his absence. Let yourself go through it. Buy yourself the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken". Show up in your own life even though you do not feel like it. Find love and joy elsewhere, playing with a dog, babysit a kid, take a bubblebath and have a glass of champagne. It might feel fake but trust me, go with it. Go along and your brain will follow. Your heart too. You see, your brain is playing tricks on you. It is just hormonal. Taking some distance will help. This is a woman's journey, find help from family and friends to cope. You can do this. Hugs and let us know how you are doing.

    Thanks Gerbera! I have deleted his current female's number and I know his number by heart.

    Sometimes I just wanna leave everything, shut myself down and vanish for good. I don't use any of the social media apps because I know I will lose control. My sister who lives with me is in a relationship, she and her guy cuddles in front on me, send msgs and do stuff that reminds me of him. I can't hold tears and cry where ever I can.

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    Robynne wrote: Oh, please. "Honey, you know I had to leave you in order to survive!" Really? Someone had a gun to his head? No, no, no. It is tempting to take him back because the nasty little ego voice we all have is telling you that if you do that, you have somehow "won" over the other woman. Uh-uh. Nope. He left you for a fling, not a job. If you let him come back he will absolutely do it again because you'd be telling him that's okay with you. Actions speak louder than words, my friend. You can put your foot down and tell him you won't put up with it again, you can talk until your pretty face turns blue. But if you take him back, he will do this again. Because taking him back tells him he can. Wipe him off your shoes and move on. You deserve better.

    I can never forget what his female wrote to me in the start, she blamed me for everything, for his cheating, for his problems. She asked me to leave him because she can and will take good care of him. Sometimes, I feel like sending her the msgs he wrote to me but I don't wanna do anything. Karma is a bitch. I have begged him to stay before he took off with his things while I was at work. I have started to hate myself for wanting him even though he's played me and many others.

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    Kal wrote: You're doing well in terms of logging off social media, but BLOCK HIS POSTS. Why? Everything he posts on social media is a lie. I'm not guessing about this. Everything he posts is designed to make him look attractive, and the truth of the matter be damned. He uses social media (and a certain supercilious charm of manner) as a tool to lure the unwary. Block him, block him, block him. NOT because you are weak (you're not!), but because you're strong enough to cut out lying, manipulative ne'er-do-wells from your life. He is not your responsibility, and he is certainly not your soulmate. In fact, he's beneath your notice -- not to mention beneath contempt. Perhaps in two or three years, you'll be in a place where you can laugh at his pitiful attempts to mimic actual human feelings and speech ... but for now do not spend another second of your life reading his cretinous drivel. If you want to read something? Read Robynne and Gerbera's advice again. Then maybe read some Jane Austen or P.G. Wodehouse or Dave Barry or whatever makes you laugh. Then read Robynne and Gerbera's advice some more! And don't hesitate to come back and post if you need some help as you navigate your way through this. It's tough right now, but it DOES get better ... promise!

    I guess so Kal but it's hurts a lot seeing him and her together while she leaves love messages on his posts. The day she got to know that I exist in his life, she would give him love bites and leave marks on his body so I could see. I have logged off from social media so I don't get to see his posts but one of his friend's posts are open to public's eye and I tend to lean towards that.

    I really want to stop all the nonsense but I don't have friends to rely on and it's freaking hard to face it alone. I do have a sister, she says she understands but I don't think so, she tends to become a bit rude and sarcastic. I am not sure if I did right or wrong but I told her not to call her bf and his friends home. These people are young and they cuddle and stick to each other in front of me and that reminds me of my ex.

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    Jill wrote: I would like to add a couple of additional points to Gerbera's Robynne's and Kal's excellent advice. This guy and his mind games took up an inordinate amount of your brain space while you were together. After four years of this, your brain has become accustomed to being in this situation - it feels natural and familiar even though it was horribly wrong and unhealthy. So your brain is unconsciously undermining your attempts to get free of your waste-of-oxygen ex. So you're going to have to allow your brain to re-calibrate itself back to it's pre-douchebag boyfriend state. Understanding that this is what is going on and reminding yourself of that when the urge strikes you to look in on what he's doing can help you resist the effort. One more thing: if you erase him from your life completely, your heartbreak will be finite. You will over him (which WILL happen, I promise) and your life will, once again be your own. But if you stay in contact with him and allow him back into your life, your hurt and heartbreak will not end and you will be ceding control over your life to someone not worthy of even one nanosecond of your time.

    You're right! I can't think straight right now. While we were together, I did everything for him from, washing and ironing his clothes, cutting his nails, polishing his shoes and much more I can't even type. Jill, what I am afraid off is I will break down any minute. I have gone through depression and stress due to my sister's tragic death. I am tired of dealing with pain. Every word I typed, a tear rolled out of my eye. I am not emotionally strong.

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    A warm hug for you! You are an amazing capable person and you deserve so much more. As for that woman I think Karma is always a bigger bitch and she can keep your ex. Looks like they deserve each other.
    I can relate to your pain. My husband of 3 months left me another woman. We were together for 8 years before that. He was the person i trusted more than I trusted myself. I kept looking at his profile at the time to see what he was upto and he would keep msging me. He seemed to be very happy and going places looking at his profile.
    I talked to a counselor and she told me that I need to stop checking on him and keeping in contact. I completely stopped checking his profile and went ahead and blocked him.
    It was a dark time my family that was in town was going to leave and I ended up falling for a guy who just strung me along and finally dumped me.
    Y always wished if only I were younger or if i could go back in time and do things differently.
    All my friends were married and younger than me and i desperately wanted someone too. I couldent get through a day without atleast one bout of tears.
    All these things took over my life,affected my work.
    Then one day I felt enough is enough i will focus on myself do things that will make me feel good. I started doing zumba, working out,socializing with friends, trying new things. Slowly I started feeling better and more confident. I realized that there were people that valued me for who I was.
    I lost weight got to the best shape in my life and i never felt more confident.
    Eventually I met the man who is my husband now and I couldent be any happier. But 2 years ago i wondered will this ever be ok,will I ever be happy?
    But trust me it gets better. Focus on yourself and dont settle for someone like your ex who does not deserve you.
    After I got engaged to my husband my ex blocked me and the guy who dumped me unceremoniously got back and told me he wanted another chance.
    I politely wished him the best and declined. Sometimes living well is the best revenge.
    Great things will happen to you just wait for them. :)
    Also get apps like breathe or headspace. Meditation was the one thing that helped me a lot too!

    reply to Shalini
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    Anon, this kind of intense pain feels like you will literally die.
    In the first days or even weeks post break up you will feel like a drug addict. Just wanting your fix. You just need to take care of yourself, block him and carry on. In time, pain will subside.
    Your mind is playing tricks on you, like Jill so well explained.
    You can look up articles about the brain and the chemistry of break ups.

    Think of this as a very trying time with the purpose of testing your strenght. You are strong and you can get past this.

    Also, the secret is, like you wrote, not do anything. You feel like calling him to let him know how much he has hurt you, call his new partner. Do nothing. Only avoid him and her and take care of yourself. You have done a lot for him, it seems. Now it is time to do something for you. Take care of yourself.

    reply to Gerbera
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    I am not sure if I did right or wrong but I told her not to call her bf and his friends home. These people are young and they cuddle and stick to each other in front of me and that reminds me of my ex.


    You did wrong.

    What you are trying to do will only serve as an excellent way to turn your sister and her friends against you. Your unhappiness does not give you the right to deprive others of their happiness.

    Now, if they're coming over and deliberately and maliciously making fun of you for being single? That's a different matter. If they are truly, intentionally toxic, then you need to find a different living situation. But regardless, a mature adult does NOT demand that because they've been in a breakup, no one else can be part of a couple in their presence.

    Be a grown-up about this. Let them come over, and be happy for them. You're much more likely to make and keep allies that way ... and allies are exactly what you need right now!


    reply to Kal
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    anonymous wrote: You're right! I can't think straight right now. While we were together, I did everything for him from, washing and ironing his clothes, cutting his nails, polishing his shoes and much more I can't even type. Jill, what I am afraid off is I will break down any minute. I have gone through depression and stress due to my sister's tragic death. I am tired of dealing with pain. Every word I typed, a tear rolled out of my eye. I am not emotionally strong.

    Here's a secret: most folks don't think they are emotionally strong. So you're in good company. So you can just "fake it until you make it" and eventually that will be your reality.

    Also, try to deal with each day as it comes; don't try to solve this in its entirety. Tell yourself, "I'm not going to contact him today" and just deal with that day. Then do this the next day and the next day and the next.

    Also, even though you feel like you're always going to feel this horrible, you won't. When you're in the middle of heartbreak it always feels like it will last forever, but one day you'll wake up and realise you're not really heartbroken anymore. It WILL pass - I promise.

    reply to Jill
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