Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Hey Vixies! My husband lives in a different city 2 hour flight away. We visit each other alternately. He makes nearly twice as much as I do but then he lives in the most expensive city in the USA and I live in one of the smallest cities. I am working to find a job there. I have a full time job here already. I had agreed to moving before we got married. Now its been 6 months and we meet each other alternately. Finding a new job requires some amount of work and the weekends I am not with my husband I mostly spend looking for a job. He is helping me find one too. But I have the lions share in doing the work. Somehow I find myself growing very resentful and I take it out on him. Our last couple of of conversations have ended in fights because I am complaining. He is generally very busy during the day and barely replies to my texts. I don't know why I feel so angry all the time and how should I get around it? My previous relationship died because of unrealistic expectations from my side and I feel I am making the same mistake again. I feel I am a difficult person to handle. How do I fix it? Why do I get angry all the time? I have decided I will not argue with him or look for a fight for atleast a week. The other day he teased me a bit and I just flew off the handle. Also I get mad at something and then express the anger in a completely different situation. A lot of times even I don't get why I am mad and is it valid for me to be angry! I am very patient with my friends and if a friend says the same thing I just ignore it and stay away till my anger vanishes but with my husband I just get very mad! Also I am 32 and my family keeps telling me we need to atleast live together so that we can plan children in a couple of years more else it will be too late with a lot of complications. Also when it comes to planning trips he waits till the last minute always because of which everything becomes too expensive. So a lot of times its me that looks into these things and tries to do the bookings. I would hate it if he was a pain in the neck and kept pushing me to book or things like that but he is the other extreme. I just don't know what I want. I feel very confused.

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    Mrs. Anon,

    It is perfectly fine to ask your Husband for what you need. It sounds like you need him to make more of an effort. It sounds like your anger may be coming from the awareness that you *may* have settled for less in this new marriage.

    "How do I fix it?"
    By doing exactly this. Venting, asking questions, tearing your hair out and screaming at your Husband to make a god damn effort already! You should be worshipped and deep down you know this. Deep down you know a lot.

    Love comes from within; with or without him.

    Psychology aside, ignoring a Man is the fastest way to get his attention. Just saying.

    reply to Amy
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    It does sound like you are bottling things up until you explode, internalizing your anger until it has to bust out. Also, I think you are correct in your self-assessment, that you still have issues with unrealistic expectations. You say he is very busy, but you still send him texts during the day and expect him to get back to you. Also, I suspect that because of the more intimate nature of your relationship, there is a much higher level of expectation than for your friends and a higher level of consequences when he doesn't meet your expectations. People who we are the closest to get the least amount of information from us, because we expect them to already know everything. Except they aren't mind readers. But they are punished because they cannot read our minds. This is universal.

    And you're in a stressful situation. You and your husband live two hours from each other, under very different circumstances. You're job hunting, which, just by itself is very stressful. So you're already in what some folks refer to as a "leg lifter" situation. When both of your legs are firmly planted on the ground, it's tough to push you over. But when one leg is lifted high in the air, it doesn't take that much to get you off-balance. One mis-timed remark from your husband and...

    So maybe you need to take some of your traveling money and spend it on a therapist to help you with this. There is definitely a lot going on and it's obviously interfering with your day-to-day life and your happiness. You deserve to be happy so make this a gift to yourself (and your husband).

    In the meantime, step back. Don't fix things for your husband. Let him feel the pain of his own mistakes. Yes, it will be difficult to not solve the problems he creates for himself, but resist the impulse. He needs to learn his lessons the hard way, just like everyone else does. Also, by stepping in and fixing things for him, you're putting yourself in the role of his parent - you're his wife, not his mother. It's a good bet that this is part of what is irking you about him.

    reply to Jill
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    Thanks a lot for your advice! I feel calmer and i have stopped giving my husband a hard time about not answering my texts.

    reply to anonymous
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