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I have been in a live in relationship with a guy for four years where he cheated multiple times. He was dating a girl who he claimed to be only friends. I kept going after all this mess, loved and cared for him more than I did for myself. Paid rent, got groceries, got him gifts and what not. Recently i got to know that he's been involved with another female, a divorcee. Everytime we fought he would say she's married with 2 kids and is only a friend. Give me some time to break up with her. On his birthday he texted and said I am staying overnight with friends, I called him but he did not pick up, so I reached out to his friend. This girl came to know about me and she asked him to move in with her. He said he hates to move in with her and blamed the situation on me. said I caused all this, he has no other option but to move cos she's providing him with a job and car. He left me and moved in with some bachelors cos she doesn't want him to stay with me or else she will commit suicide.

I am heart broken! I cry where ever i can find a place. It's been a week and he texted me saying I will come back, just give me sometime, be with me.

I was shattered due to my sister's death earlier and now this! We will be receiving benefits from her company. He asked me how much are we getting? Am I too blinded by his love that I can't see he's utilizing me. I miss him so much. It's getting really hard to cope up.

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    Ah - the old "scarcity" tactic, never letting you feel sure of him. I suspect that his seeming unattainability was part of his allure. It's a matter of supply and demand; because as far as you were concerned this guy was a scarce commodity, which gave him the illusion of greater value. Salespeople and marketeers have been capitalizing on this since there were goods to sell and people to buy them.

    Except that for your purposes, his value was exactly and precisely zero. And he's keeping you on hold so that he can grab some of your sister's death benefits. As soon as he can talk you out of what he has no right to, he'll take off, leaving you to wonder what YOU did. The man is not worth one more iota of your time or effort or regard.

    His allure was just shiny wrapping around a turd. Make no mistake - he does NOT love you. He's stringing you along to see what else he can get from you. It's long past time to get good and angry at this waste of air. He has treated you horribly and deserves your contempt.

    I suspect that you will hang on to the illusion that he cares for you until he does the unforgivable and causes you some permanent damage. I really and truly hope you come to your senses before then and wipe this guy off your shoes. Please do this before he completely erodes your self worth.

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    Jill wrote: Ah - the old "scarcity" tactic, never letting you feel sure of him. I suspect that his seeming unattainability was part of his allure. It's a matter of supply and demand; because as far as you were concerned this guy was a scarce commodity, which gave him the illusion of greater value. Salespeople and marketeers have been capitalizing on this since there were goods to sell and people to buy them. Except that for your purposes, his value was exactly and precisely zero. And he's keeping you on hold so that he can grab some of your sister's death benefits. As soon as he can talk you out of what he has no right to, he'll take off, leaving you to wonder what YOU did. The man is not worth one more iota of your time or effort or regard. His allure was just shiny wrapping around a turd. Make no mistake - he does NOT love you. He's stringing you along to see what else he can get from you. It's long past time to get good and angry at this waste of air. He has treated you horribly and deserves your contempt. I suspect that you will hang on to the illusion that he cares for you until he does the unforgivable and causes you some permanent damage. I really and truly hope you come to your senses before then and wipe this guy off your shoes. Please do this before he completely erodes your self worth.

    True! I realized it too late. I was and still am an option for him because I was readily available whenever he needed me.

    Me and her came face to face two weeks back and she asked him to say "I LOVE YOU" to her in front of me, he could not say a word. Before he left, i was told that I made a mistake by not telling him how I feel about him and Why didn't I stop him from cheating if I loved him? Couple of days back I received messages from her asking me to leave him. I got to know she's been told that I was only a roommate for him and he cared for me because I had lost a job.

    I am actually mad at myself for letting him be a part of my life where I gave up everything, took care of him, loved him. I almost sabotaged my career for him and yet to him I am just an option.

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    Hi Anon,

    I canít imagine how much turmoil you must be feeling right now and Iím so sorry.

    Jill is always spot on with fantastic advice and insight so I urge you to listen to her. I agree with what sheís saying 100%.

    I was in a relationship for 4.5 years as well that was just nuts. He also cheated on me. I also, for 4.5 foggy and stressful years tried to Make It Work.

    Girl, RUN. It can be *very* hard to see clearly and objectively while youíre in the middle of this tornado. Hence the very popular phrase hindsight is 20/20!!! No fault there, but your intuition knows whatís up. Trust the voice inside that made you post here, because *sheís* right.

    But you are alas, in the middle of this storm, and itís not going to ease up.

    Your first few sentences Ďboyfriend has cheated on me multiple time, we live together, and I provide for most things.í Are reasons ALONE to leave this relationship.

    Then the whole thing with him being involved with this other woman? No. NOT acceptable.

    You can and deserve to be happy and at peace. Your life will upgrade SO much when you cut the ball and chains that this guy has placed on you. Only you can set yourself fully free, and you will be in a much, much, better place once you do.

    Please feel free to email me meadora1@gmail.com if you want to talk more or need any kind of support. Iíve been right where you are.


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    Before he left, i was told that I made a mistake by not telling him how I feel about him and Why didn't I stop him from cheating if I loved him?

    This is a textbook, classic tactic used by cheaters and abusers. Trying to make his cheating your fault. It is 100% totally and completely his fault. He is a cheater. That's what he does. You've done more than enough for him and yet he flaunts these other women in your face. He knows how you feel about him; he uses your feelings to get whatever he can from you and use you up.

    You're trying to make excuses for him when your first thought should be "HOW DARE HE?!!" If it were me, I'd kick him so fast to the curb he'd bounce. Actually, I'd pound him into dust first, then kick him.

    You seem to be under the impression that your love for him is the most important thing in this situation. It is not - really and truly, it is NOT. If you get away from him, you will get over him, I promise. But if you allow him to be in your life even a little bit, he will erode your self worth, which is infinitely more important than your feelings for him. He's already damaged it, so the sooner you remove him from your life - COMPLETELY - the sooner you can repair the damage he's done to you.

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    Barbara wrote: Hi Anon, I canít imagine how much turmoil you must be feeling right now and Iím so sorry. Jill is always spot on with fantastic advice and insight so I urge you to listen to her. I agree with what sheís saying 100%. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years as well that was just nuts. He also cheated on me. I also, for 4.5 foggy and stressful years tried to Make It Work. Girl, RUN. It can be *very* hard to see clearly and objectively while youíre in the middle of this tornado. Hence the very popular phrase hindsight is 20/20!!! No fault there, but your intuition knows whatís up. Trust the voice inside that made you post here, because *sheís* right. But you are alas, in the middle of this storm, and itís not going to ease up. Your first few sentences Ďboyfriend has cheated on me multiple time, we live together, and I provide for most things.í Are reasons ALONE to leave this relationship. Then the whole thing with him being involved with this other woman? No. NOT acceptable. You can and deserve to be happy and at peace. Your life will upgrade SO much when you cut the ball and chains that this guy has placed on you. Only you can set yourself fully free, and you will be in a much, much, better place once you do. Please feel free to email me meadora1@gmail.com if you want to talk more or need any kind of support. Iíve been right where you are.

    Thanks babe! It's damn hard to move on but I guess I have no choice. Unfortunately, he's asking for time to come back. He said "I am gonna sort this shit out and I will be with you forever" which i don't see happening. I have read the messages of that girl, she clearly told him, she would kill herself if he ever leave her. I don't give a damn about this relationship anymore. I jeopardized my career for him, my boss and colleagues could feel the damage on my face. The problem is he still texts me asking for help in emails, conversation, complaining about his currently taken up work (given by that girl). I don't reply him as I used to or call him but I am thinking of cutting complete ties with him.

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    Barbara wrote: Hi Anon, I canít imagine how much turmoil you must be feeling right now and Iím so sorry. Jill is always spot on with fantastic advice and insight so I urge you to listen to her. I agree with what sheís saying 100%. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years as well that was just nuts. He also cheated on me. I also, for 4.5 foggy and stressful years tried to Make It Work. Girl, RUN. It can be *very* hard to see clearly and objectively while youíre in the middle of this tornado. Hence the very popular phrase hindsight is 20/20!!! No fault there, but your intuition knows whatís up. Trust the voice inside that made you post here, because *sheís* right. But you are alas, in the middle of this storm, and itís not going to ease up. Your first few sentences Ďboyfriend has cheated on me multiple time, we live together, and I provide for most things.í Are reasons ALONE to leave this relationship. Then the whole thing with him being involved with this other woman? No. NOT acceptable. You can and deserve to be happy and at peace. Your life will upgrade SO much when you cut the ball and chains that this guy has placed on you. Only you can set yourself fully free, and you will be in a much, much, better place once you do. Please feel free to email me meadora1@gmail.com if you want to talk more or need any kind of support. Iíve been right where you are.

    * sorry for the double post

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    Jill wrote: Before he left, i was told that I made a mistake by not telling him how I feel about him and Why didn't I stop him from cheating if I loved him? This is a textbook, classic tactic used by cheaters and abusers. Trying to make his cheating your fault. It is 100% totally and completely his fault. He is a cheater. That's what he does. You've done more than enough for him and yet he flaunts these other women in your face. He knows how you feel about him; he uses your feelings to get whatever he can from you and use you up. You're trying to make excuses for him when your first thought should be "HOW DARE HE?!!" If it were me, I'd kick him so fast to the curb he'd bounce. Actually, I'd pound him into dust first, then kick him. You seem to be under the impression that your love for him is the most important thing in this situation. It is not - really and truly, it is NOT. If you get away from him, you will get over him, I promise. But if you allow him to be in your life even a little bit, he will erode your self worth, which is infinitely more important than your feelings for him. He's already damaged it, so the sooner you remove him from your life - COMPLETELY - the sooner you can repair the damage he's done to you.

    At first, I was making excuses for him but then I read your and Barabar's comment which made think yesterday, "Is he really worth sabotaging my career and happiness?" I don't think so!

    He still texts me for help or talk to me because I am stupid enough to allow him. As you said, I need to completely broke off with him or else he may cause more damages, more than ever.

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    Just chiming in to offer a big thumbs up to the excellent advice from Jill and Barbara -- two of the best Advice Vixens around!

    And you've hit the nail on the head, too, Anon.... Is he really worth sabotaging my career and happiness? I don't think so!

    Yup. That's it in a nutshell.

    I promise you ... once you break it off completely, within a week or two, your ONLY regret will be that you didn't do it sooner!

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    Kal wrote: Just chiming in to offer a big thumbs up to the excellent advice from Jill and Barbara -- two of the best Advice Vixens around! And you've hit the nail on the head, too, Anon.... Is he really worth sabotaging my career and happiness? I don't think so! Yup. That's it in a nutshell. I promise you ... once you break it off completely, within a week or two, your ONLY regret will be that you didn't do it sooner!

    If I feel a little bit down, I read repeatedly Bill and Barbar's advice. It keeps me motivated. That ass hole messaged me again today asking have I received my sister's payment. This angers me so much. I have loved someone so much unconditionally and all he was there for was for the money.

    Thanks Kal!

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