Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Vixens! I was visiting my husband and I missed my flight to get back. I missed a day of work and ended up paying 200$ extra to get on the next flight.
I was really mad at him because he comes to drop me by uber and everytime i almost miss my flight. I should know better than to listen to him but since it is his city somehow I always do. This time I got completely screwed over.
He apologized and said it wont happen again but i feel so mad! In my past relationships I have gotten angry for trivial reasons and kept making myself and the other person miserable! Is that what I am doing now? Or is my anger justified? I have never missed a flight otherwise but when i visit him i always almost miss my flight.
When ever he comes to visit me I drop him on time.
While visiting him my flight got cancelled on one day. Then I again drove to the airport an hour away the next day. This 2nd flight also got cancelled! And then the next one they gave me reached nearly 3 hours later. So I already had a hard time getting to his city and now this!

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    I'd be upset if someone messed up my flight schedule. But I wouldn't let him do that more than once. I think in your case you are particularly upset because you trusted him to do this after past failures and you are angry at yourself for allowing him to do this yet again.

    You know without a shred of doubt that your husband cannot plan transport to the airport properly. So stop giving him that responsibility. Schedule your own cab (or Uber or Lyft) ride or rent a car yourself. You certainly know now how much time it will take to get to that airport. If your husband tries to interfere, tell him that future visits from you are contingent upon his acquiescence.

    Putting this completely under your control will go a long way toward alleviating this kind of stress.

    reply to Jill
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    Some people just don't have a good relationship with time. Your husband sounds like one of those people.

    If he's kind and trustworthy in other ways, you'll just have to accept that when in comes to being on time, he's in a different dimension from most of the rest of us. I'm 100% on board with Jill here -- book your own flights and Ubers, and kindly but firmly make it clear that once you've made the arrangements, your travel schedule is non-negotiable.

    However, I'd also advise you to keep on eye on time-based issues outside of these airport incidents. Does he alienate friends by never showing up on time? Is he habitually late for work? Are credit card payments or rent/mortgage payments frequently late? If so, this could be something that causes some serious trouble for you down the line.

    If this is a frequent occurrence, you may need to have him seek help -- because if he doesn't, YOUR social and financial health will be affected.


    reply to Kal
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    Hey excellent advice by Jill and Kal. No he is pretty good at his job and most other things :) Luckily.
    How do you guys manage anger with your significant other? When i get angry i just lose it. I remember all the terrible things the other person did and I stay angry for days. I just want to lash out. I start thinking my spouse is the most terrible person ever.
    How do you decide what is reasonable and what is not? I have always seen some of my friends in wonderful marriages and they always appreciate their spouses. Some how a lot of times what ever the other person does I still expect more. No matter whom I am with I always feel other peoples SO's are much nicer which is not really the case.
    How do I manage my anger? I think somehow in close relationships I am not at all forgiving and i have too many expectations.
    In my previous relationship looking back I realize that my ex was a keeper. But i still expected more from him and I had double standards. At the time when i would get angry a lot of times he was just the scapegoat because I was in a lousy situation. I always felt my anger was justified at the time. But looking back I feel it was uncalled for quite a few times. How do I not go down that path again?

    reply to anonymous
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    There's not really a heck of a lot we could tell you here, other than to step back, take a few breaths and count to ten. And make judicious use of "I feel _________, but I KNOW_________" statements in your internal monologue.

    However, I'd recommend seeing a professional about this, one who specializes in anger management issues. Because it seems to me that you have issues with general vs. specific anger.

    And yes - the folks closest to us tend to be the ones who get the most fall-out. We assume that because they are so close to us they know what is on our mind or what our motivations are and as a result get the least bit of information from us. So when they fall short due to not being mind readers, this can be irritating. It's one thing to know this, but quite another to truly internalize it in a way that allows you to deal with your anger effectively. That's where a professional comes in.

    reply to Jill
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    Indeed, Anon: make your own arrangements, if you want something done right, do it yourself. This idea works every time.

    About the anger: find some tips on how to control it or step away from the situation or person and come back when you feel more calm and have some words you want to tell in an assertive manner.
    A therapist is usually a good idea.

    And Jill is right: our unresolved past issues come out with the persons we feel safe with as a mean to make us heal.
    The key is recognizing such situations and using them to move past the hurt and anger to a better us.

    She is also right about seeing whether your husband has other organizational issues, finance is something to keep in mind.

    Good luck!

    reply to Gerbera
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