Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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I love my boyfriend but our sex life is boring. He isn't 'ready' all the time, or his 'readiness' is apt to waver. Having sex is always my idea. I took his virginity (we're both 28-30) so I know that I need to be more vocal but I don't want him to think I'm not satisfied. We have an open relationship but I don't know how he feels (we talk plenty, but is he telling me what I wanna hear?) because I've been the only one to act on our openness.

P.S. I want to explain the difference between openness and polyamory: open = ability to be with others, poly = ability to be in relationships with others.

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    This is my take based on what you've written here: your boyfriend may not be as sexually attracted to you as you are to him. But he does not have any experience that would give him basis for comparison. Or he could be asexual and has sex with you because he loves you but is otherwise uninterested in sex. But because he is still inexperienced, he hasn't sussed it out for himself. But regardless of the reason, the symptom is the same: he's not as interested in sex with you as you are with him. The status of your relationship, open or otherwise, is not relevant here. What is relevant is that this is affecting your relationship with him.

    It's also very likely that he is already aware that he is not satisfying you. So you won't be telling him anything new. But you really should have a frank discussion with him and let that guide what you will do next. Stay with him in a companionable sense but seek sexual enjoyment elsewhere? Decide that the gap in sexual compatibility is enough of a show stopper and the two of you do not belong together? You won't be able to get past this impasse unless you actually talk to each other and make a decision. Because where you are right now is obviously not working for you. Good luck!

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    Jill wrote: This is my take based on what you've written here: your boyfriend may not be as sexually attracted to you as you are to him. But he does not have any experience that would give him basis for comparison. Or he could be asexual and has sex with you because he loves you but is otherwise uninterested in sex. But because he is still inexperienced, he hasn't sussed it out for himself. But regardless of the reason, the symptom is the same: he's not as interested in sex with you as you are with him. The status of your relationship, open or otherwise, is not relevant here. What is relevant is that this is affecting your relationship with him. It's also very likely that he is already aware that he is not satisfying you. So you won't be telling him anything new. But you really should have a frank discussion with him and let that guide what you will do next. Stay with him in a companionable sense but seek sexual enjoyment elsewhere? Decide that the gap in sexual compatibility is enough of a show stopper and the two of you do not belong together? You won't be able to get past this impasse unless you actually talk to each other and make a decision. Because where you are right now is obviously not working for you. Good luck!

    I understand why you feel this way but it couldn't be more the opposite: I'm less interested in having sex with him than he is me, due to the reasons I explained. He gets in his own head a lot and becomes nervous or can easily be distracted by drama in his life.

    Also, I don't initiate sex every time, I make sure he does at least half to ensure that we're both interested. However, it feels like I'm a slave to his penis and that it's my responsibility to be ready when he is even if there's been no foreplay.

    Ugh.

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    Okay - so I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt and imagine that he's been living under a rock for most of his life and so is unaware of the necessity of foreplay. So unless you want your future sex life with him to be more of the same, he needs to be educated.

    And if he brings up his issues/distractions as an excuse for not providing the foreplay you need and performing sex only when he is ready, he needs to learn that RIGHT NOW that it's not just him having sex. If he conveniently "forgets" that sex involves two people and not just him, he doesn't deserve to have sex with another person until he unlearns this. He can see a professional to help him tune out the drama so that he can be an equal partner in a relationship.

    There's also the issue of you managing your sex life with him, making sure that he initiates at least half the time. This sounds like too much work to me. But I'm not the one in this relationship. Only you can decide if this situation is acceptable to you. But from what you are writing here, large parts of it are not. So my best advice is to have a frank discussion with him about this. You've said that you don't want him to feel that he's not satisfying you, but right now he's not. So ask yourself: why are you making his feelings more important than yours? Because they are not.

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