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Emily writing again. I recently wrote about my bf and his child's mother who still say "I love you"" to each other. I ended up agreeing overall with the vixen who responded, thank you again. Tonight I'm writing again about my bf, and his child's mother.

I didn't hear from my bf for the day today, I wasn't upset, you'll have to trust me on that, but I noticed and figured he must be busy at work. Happens all the time for both of us.

When he got back to me, he told me he was at the ER with his ex-wife because she had no one to go with her. Before you think I'm a total monster, here is some backstory, she went to the emergency walk- in because of stomach cramps from constipation. She just went last week for the same reason. I'm NOT saying that can't be very painful, and, it could have been something worse. She has had IBS, and chronic migraines for sometime my bf told me. She also has a history of abusing pain medication.

Anyways, I'm not saying her reason to go wasn't legitimate. I actually think that it was. It's more of my boyfriend taking her. He told me he offered to take her because he found out no one else would go with her, not even her family, and because last time this happened she was out of it from the pain medication and was incapable of driving. That's obviously, a very valid reason. Also her entire family lives near her, she lives two streets away from her parents, she's also seeing someone. She also has friends.

But it makes me wonder if he will always be there to help her. Is that okay?. I'm not saying he shouldn't be there in an emergency. I'm posting here for some feedback and thoughts on this subject. I truthfully don't know what to expect with his ex-wife. This is a first for me. I want to be fair and understanding, but I don't know what crosses the line, or raises red flags. His child naturally will always come first, but will he still always be there to take care of his ex wife?

-posted anonymous by accident!

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    I would recommend for now being patient and sympathetic. It could be that over time, he will get tired of having to go to her rescue.

    But if you feel you must bring it up, don't make it about your relationship. Because this isn't about your relationship - it's about his ex manipulating him into doing things for her and manufacturing "emergencies" so he can rescue her. She sounds like an overly needy person and I suspect he does these things for her so she won't try anything underhanded with regard to custody or turn his kid against him. So he's in a tough spot.

    What I'd recommend for him is the slow withdrawal. As in once in awhile he doesn't respond to her "emergencies", then gets back to her later with a, "I was working/in the middle of______/traveling/etc. and didn't see your message. It's a good thing you have family so close who can help you". He does this more and more often, very quietly and surreptitiously moving away from being her de-facto rescuer so that she can adjust to this situation.

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    Jill wrote: I would recommend for now being patient and sympathetic. It could be that over time, he will get tired of having to go to her rescue. But if you feel you must bring it up, don't make it about your relationship. Because this isn't about your relationship - it's about his ex manipulating him into doing things for her and manufacturing "emergencies" so he can rescue her. She sounds like an overly needy person and I suspect he does these things for her so she won't try anything underhanded with regard to custody or turn his kid against him. So he's in a tough spot. What I'd recommend for him is the slow withdrawal. As in once in awhile he doesn't respond to her "emergencies", then gets back to her later with a, "I was working/in the middle of______/traveling/etc. and didn't see your message. It's a good thing you have family so close who can help you". He does this more and more often, very quietly and surreptitiously moving away from being her de-facto rescuer so that she can adjust to this situation.

    Thank you for your response Jill. I appreciate your advice and I agree. I need to not make it about 'our relationship', even though it's hard for me to separate those feelings.

    As an update to this post, when I texted him this morning asking how everything turned out, he wrote this:

    "They actually never pin pointed the source of the pain she was in. 8 hrs and tons of tests and nothing.

    But they switched their focus to her blood pressure because they said it was too high and she's on her way to a stroke. So they did a second cat scan. Prescribed her blood pressure meds."

    I don't know what I should make of that. I just am still a bit irked by the whole thing , I'm really trying not to be.

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    It IS tough to separate this, since his rescuing of his wife takes his attention off of his current life and relationship. I recommend saying nothing about this for now except that you hope the meds work for her.

    What she is doing is unfair to him. She has all sorts of people closer to her, both familial and geographical. And generally, once you get divorced, you are no longer responsible for your ex, even if you share a child with them. Yet she's acting as if he was still her husband and as such, her go-to rescuer. For his own mental health, he should disengage from this dysfunction and establish healthy boundaries, but this will likely take time.

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    Jill. as per usual, is right on the money.

    No one else will take The Ex to the hospital, because they're tired of her endless drama...but your bf doesn't really have much choice. If Ex is upset, or otherwise in a state, his kid is going to bear the brunt of that. Rather than put his kid through who knows how much invented drama and possible anguish? He takes The Ex to the hospital.

    Believe me, he's not doing it because he's still attracted to her. (And this isn't working to attract him further!) But he feels stuck -- he may realize that he'll have to slowly disengage, but he might not know *how*.

    Anyway, as you're working through this, try to remember you're irked with HER. Your bf is, I'm pretty certain, as frustrated as you are with being placed in the role of Mr. On-Call Assistant -- and I suspect that he may welcome Jill's advice about slowly detaching from her via The Slow Fade Method.

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    Jill wrote: It IS tough to separate this, since his rescuing of his wife takes his attention off of his current life and relationship. I recommend saying nothing about this for now except that you hope the meds work for her. What she is doing is unfair to him. She has all sorts of people closer to her, both familial and geographical. And generally, once you get divorced, you are no longer responsible for your ex, even if you share a child with them. Yet she's acting as if he was still her husband and as such, her go-to rescuer. For his own mental health, he should disengage from this dysfunction and establish healthy boundaries, but this will likely take time.

    Jill thx I agree. I've decided I'm not going to say anything to him in regards to this, just let it be. I'm also reminding myself we are dating for a reason and I have time to get to know the dynamic between him and his ex wife better. He's a sweet, kind guy so I don't want to get too in my head about this. Thanks again.

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    Kal wrote: Jill. as per usual, is right on the money. No one else will take The Ex to the hospital, because they're tired of her endless drama...but your bf doesn't really have much choice. If Ex is upset, or otherwise in a state, his kid is going to bear the brunt of that. Rather than put his kid through who knows how much invented drama and possible anguish? He takes The Ex to the hospital. Believe me, he's not doing it because he's still attracted to her. (And this isn't working to attract him further!) But he feels stuck -- he may realize that he'll have to slowly disengage, but he might not know *how*. Anyway, as you're working through this, try to remember you're irked with HER. Your bf is, I'm pretty certain, as frustrated as you are with being placed in the role of Mr. On-Call Assistant -- and I suspect that he may welcome Jill's advice about slowly detaching from her via The Slow Fade Method.

    Thank you Kal I appreciate and agree with your viewpoint. Your dead on about family not wanting to take her because of recurring drama, my boyfriend has hinted at that before. I think this boils down to again to your thoughts on my other question- that he's put in a tough spot, period. I need to be more understanding of it internally, not that I would ever act otherwise. My larger concern and time will tell is that will he actually choose to detach via The Slow Fade Method. That sounds like a fantastic idea to me, but I'm unsure about him. It's a struggle for me to tell/ gague that/ what's appropriate/ what's not. Like I said the ex-wife/ kid is new territory, thank you Kal and Jill for being my sounding board on this topic.

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