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Vixens. My bf told me last night that sometimes his child's mother and him still say "I love you." He said she will say it to him but 'he won't initiate it', but he will mutter back in a monotone
"non-interested" "you too."

This came up last night because I was at their family get together for Halloween. The BM (baby mama) was there, they have a 7 year old boy together. When she was saying good bye she went over to hug him and said "love you long time." He replied "you too." I could tell he felt uncomfortable since I was sitting right there.

When he walked me out to the car I asked him in a calm way if they frequently said I love you to each other. He was a bit defensive about it and responded,

"No." was quiet for a few seconds. Then said "Did you expect me to say more than that?"

I thought his response was really curt and totally insensitive to what I thought was a normal thing as his girlfriend to ask about and bring up. I'm not sure what is bothering me more, whether he is saying is validating the "I love you's" from his ex-wife, or his dismissive "did you expect me to say more than that?"

The rest of the conversation he was fine and was more than willing to talk about it. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for her at all (I wouldn't go out with him if I actually thought that). It's that he doesn't want to start drama with her. He reiterated to me a million times that she does not say I love you frequently whatsoever. But, it does happen sometimes.... They've also known each other since they were 13. We are all in our mid-late 30's now..

For the record I am supportive and understanding et all. I know him and his ex wife shared a lot together and I have always been okay with them having a friendly relationship. But to be honest something in my gut felt really put off about tonight. I don't know if I'm overreacting or what. I realize relationships are not black and white when it comes to sharing a child.

Thanks a ton vixens for your thoughts on this...

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    Awkward for him, awkward for you -- no doubt about it. But is there any other behaviour that's making you nervous, uncomfortable, or suspicious? If not, I think -- I *think* -- that you may be overreacting.

    He's placed in a really difficult situation here. The mother of his child is essentially forcing him to say "I love you, too" back to her ... because she's got a hostage. If he makes a scene, or gets into a semantic argument, he's worried that it will somehow get transferred into hostility that will affect their child.

    So -- he says "I love you too". Because the two of them have a history together. And because there's a child. And because as much as the relationship didn't work out (maybe partly because she's not real good with appropriate boundaries?), he still cares for her.

    Not that he cares for her romantically. I'm getting the vibe that there isn't a romantic spark; it's because she was an important part of his life and as the mother of their child, she still is. So he wants to see her alive and well and happy -- just not in his house. Or as his partner.

    If there are other clues leading you to believe that there's something else going on here? That's something different. But from the info that you've provided, here's what I'm seeing:

    - He was placed in a very awkward situation by his ex, which he had to respond to immediately.

    - He responded as best he could to it (maybe not *perfectly*, but as best he could.)

    - After it was over, he was expecting support. ("Hey, that was kinda weird what she did to you there. I felt awkward too. I hope you don't have to deal with that all the time!") Instead, he felt a bit blindsided when the awkwardness was put on HIM, when (from his perspective) he didn't start the incident, and was just trying to get it over with quickly.


    Does that perspective help?

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    Kal wrote: Awkward for him, awkward for you -- no doubt about it. But is there any other behaviour that's making you nervous, uncomfortable, or suspicious? If not, I think -- I *think* -- that you may be overreacting. He's placed in a really difficult situation here. The mother of his child is essentially forcing him to say "I love you, too" back to her ... because she's got a hostage. If he makes a scene, or gets into a semantic argument, he's worried that it will somehow get transferred into hostility that will affect their child. So -- he says "I love you too". Because the two of them have a history together. And because there's a child. And because as much as the relationship didn't work out (maybe partly because she's not real good with appropriate boundaries?), he still cares for her. Not that he cares for her romantically. I'm getting the vibe that there isn't a romantic spark; it's because she was an important part of his life and as the mother of their child, she still is. So he wants to see her alive and well and happy -- just not in his house. Or as his partner. If there are other clues leading you to believe that there's something else going on here? That's something different. But from the info that you've provided, here's what I'm seeing: - He was placed in a very awkward situation by his ex, which he had to respond to immediately. - He responded as best he could to it (maybe not *perfectly*, but as best he could.) - After it was over, he was expecting support. ("Hey, that was kinda weird what she did to you there. I felt awkward too. I hope you don't have to deal with that all the time!") Instead, he felt a bit blindsided when the awkwardness was put on HIM, when (from his perspective) he didn't start the incident, and was just trying to get it over with quickly. Does that perspective help?

    Kal: thanks for your perspective it does help, a lot actually. I think you're right. There are no other indications that I've witnessed that would leave me to believe he has feelings for his ex-wife. His ex-wife's whole m.o. is no boundaries. She's also pushy, dramatic, and boisterous. Those are his words also not just mine. I feel a bit bad that I didn't approach it from a more supportive angle. I know enough about their relationship to know that he went through the ringer with her, and she's still not an easy person now that they're separated. I also cannot say that I was totally surprised by her behavior. It just was alarming to hear that, and then his initial response didn't make me feel any better. Thank you Ksl I think you're accurate.

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