Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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I had written about this guy who was always hot and cold. He promised to marry me and wavered on it a day later. He got back and after a few weeks dumped me for good stating he was not happy about this and I was friend zone for him. 3 months later this guy what's apped me telling me he apologizes for whatever I went through at the time.. I never kept in touch with him or tried contacting him after he dumped me.. now another 2 months later he contacted me saying he went to s certain place that reminded him of me.. I gave a non comittal answer.. a couple of hours later he got back saying he misses that time it was fun and he sometimes regrets his decision. I said I understand and told him that he just has a habit of second guessing and he probably feels that about all his exes. He said no that's not exactly true.. there is a part of me that wants to ask him so many questions coz I just don't get his behavior...at different times I think of different things to say to him ranging from I hope u find someone that's right for u to u had your chance... I am now engaged to a great guy who really loves me and values me... any advice on what I should tell this wavering guy?

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    Well, the good news is you're engaged to a great guy who loves and values you -- so there's no wrong way to brush this other guy off.

    His behaviour is actually very easy to explain, and you got it right the first time. He is unsure of himself, so he eventually second-guesses every decision he makes. But hey....does he feel "different" about you than his other exes? Sure ... in the sense that we ALL have slightly different impressions of and responses to other people....

    Certainly the classy way to go is to tell him, "I hope you find someone who's right for you."

    Even better? There's an unspoken subtext to that message....

    "You had your chance."

    reply to Kal
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    He could also be one of those people who like to mess with other people's heads. He sees you happy with someone else and this compells him to contact you and get under your skin.

    The thing is, he is a painful part of your past. You've posted here many times about how he kept changing his mind with regard to you. So why allow him to occupy any more of your valuable time? His life path should now be separate from yours. His motivations are none of your concern.

    I recommend blocking his number and email address so that he can't pester you any more.

    reply to Jill
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    Hey thanks a lot for the great advice Kal and Jill. To follow up he again contacted me and asked its too late now!! For what he did to me would I forgive him and come back if he asked me out again? I was curious and asked him why did he get back? He gave me the same reasons I had once told him when we decided to go our separate ways.... Did not even bother coming up with new ones! I said no its too late and I am with someone and hope you find someone that makes you happy... He said I think I found her I just realized it when it was too late but I will improve for the next time... It concluded finally but I felt a sense of loss... For all of last year only thing I dreamt was a future with him... But with whatever happened I don't think I can be happy with him... I so wanted him to be something he just wasent... A decent man with integrity.... But a part of me keeps wishing he was different and things were different and its never going to be :( So I just have to let him go...

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    Hey thanks a lot for the great advice Kal and Jill. To follow up he again contacted me and asked its too late now!! For what he did to me would I forgive him and come back if he asked me out again? I was curious and asked him why did he get back? He gave me the same reasons I had once told him when we decided to go our separate ways.... Did not even bother coming up with new ones! I said no its too late and I am with someone and hope you find someone that makes you happy... He said I think I found her I just realized it when it was too late but I will improve for the next time... It concluded finally but I felt a sense of loss... For all of last year only thing I dreamt was a future with him... But with whatever happened I don't think I can be happy with him... I so wanted him to be something he just wasent... A decent man with integrity.... But a part of me keeps wishing he was different and things were different and its never going to be :( So I just have to let him go...

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    It's okay to feel a twinge of loss for the future you imagined ... but that was never going to happen with this particular guy. You've basically said it yourself -- he would have been perfect, if only he were a completely different person!

    You're absolutely right to let him go and move on. Good for you!

    reply to Kal
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    It sounds like he is definitely messing with your head. Why continue to give him the chance to mess with you?

    Don't try to guess at his motives because it won't do you any good. He's never going to be anything other than what he is, and imagining otherwise is a complete waste of your time.

    You have a life to live, without him in it. So I recommend getting on with that life and leaving this guy in the dust.

    reply to Jill
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