Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

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He is "still in love with me but doesn't know I am 7 months pregnant with his baby"

So this guy I dated for two years snapped at me when I told him I was pregnant. He asked me to "sort it out" because he already got kids and he's not prepared for more. I am 32 and he's 54. I have no kids and it's my first time getting pregnant in my life! And because of how ill I was at the beginning, I decided not to venture any sort of termination.

Fast forward, I decided to keep the pregnancy and date another person who thinks I am pregnant for him. Yes, call me names but I still see this old guy from time to time like nothing happened and we take trips and all. Funny he hasn't noticed I am pregnant!! Well, he hasn't asked even though I look pregnant and have a huge belly.

This new guy 36 yrs, thinking I am pregnant for him has been there everyday to even scratch my back, paid all my antenatal bills and stuff- basically planning life while the real guy still supports me like we have a relationship.

Now I am off to maternity leave and I don't know what to do about confessions. How do I name my baby. How do I fix it. I feel bad giving away the pregnancy but I really have no feelings for this new guy. I am just trying to stay safe. Please help me with plans. Do I tell this guy I kept the pregnancy and will give birth soon? Or do I just forget know that the baby will look so much like him and the New guy will feel betrayed?
Do I tell the New guy I was already pregnant and that the child isn't his? Please help. I am really scared now.

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    1. The first guy knows you're pregnant with his child. He's saying nothing in the hopes that he won't be put on the hook for his child. He has made it clear that he doesn't want more and will likely cut you loose as soon as you give birth.

    2. What you are doing to the second guy is unfair and dishonest in the extreme. He has a right to know that the child isn't his. And to add insult to injury, you are still carrying on with the first guy. So you need to come clean for his sake and your child's and let him find someone more honest. Because not only is it a horrible thing to do to him, it's also unworkable in the long term. He WILL find out the child isn't his.

    Right now, it looks like both you and this first guy are in denial about the reality of your situation. Since you both created it, you both need to solve it. So your best plan of action is to sit him down and have it out with him about your next steps. You're about to be a mother; unless you plan on giving the baby up for adoption, you're going to have at least a couple decades' worth of difficult decisions ahead of you. If you can't handle them before the baby is even born, how are you going to handle them once the baby is here?

    reply to Jill
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    Tell the truth to all involved, as soon as possible. Like, right now. Pick up the phone and do it.

    It will be tough at the beginning, but SO much better after that -- and for years afterward.




    reply to Kal
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    Now he seems to know and he asked why I am getting bigger as if I am pregnant!! He feels bad and thinks my family must hate him. Now I am in a bigger shit!!! How do I clear all this mess. Now I have to tell the second guy? This will kill him. Omg!! I messed up so much

    reply to anonymous
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    I really hope you've taken a deep breath and told both of them.

    Yes, it's hard. But it will get worse every day -- and the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. Family-oriented secrets have a tendency to get nastier and more complicated the longer they're kept...

    If there's someone -- a family member, a close friend -- you can lean on for support during this process, do it. But please deal with sooner rather than later. It won't be easy ... but it really is the best way to go in the long run.

    reply to Kal
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    My darling! You suffer more in continuing not to inform both men, than in informing them. Tell them! This a celestial command! For the little babyís sake! Neither man will like the news (or possibly they will, I canít say). Both will require time to recover and to think about their own future lives. However, darling, it wonít kill them.
    Be brief. Express your happiness, and then state the fact. I receive so many letters from women who are distraught because they canít have a baby, my greatest wish for you is to relish this joyful time---not fear it. And the best way to do that is to rely on yourself. Do not rely on either man. They may be upstanding, kind, loving chaps, or turn out to be scalawags, so act for yourself and your baby! You can bear down much more opposition than youíll meet with!

    reply to E. Jean
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    E. Jean wrote: My darling! You suffer more in continuing not to inform both men, than in informing them. Tell them! This a celestial command! For the little babyís sake! Neither man will like the news (or possibly they will, I canít say). Both will require time to recover and to think about their own future lives. However, darling, it wonít kill them. Be brief. Express your happiness, and then state the fact. I receive so many letters from women who are distraught because they canít have a baby, my greatest wish for you is to relish this joyful time---not fear it. And the best way to do that is to rely on yourself. Do not rely on either man. They may be upstanding, kind, loving chaps, or turn out to be scalawags, so act for yourself and your baby! You can bear down much more opposition than youíll meet with!

    Thank you. Finally I got the weight off my chest but too late! A week after the baby was born. This young guy is extremely furious and hates me I know. But itís a tough thing to confess!!

    The babyís daddy got to know or well just bluntly told me one day that he knew I was keeping the pregnancy and was waiting for me to say. Heís has been very supportive since then.

    But now, I donít know how I can ease the other guys pain. I really feel bad and want to run away.

    reply to anonymous
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    The answer is you don't. He's hurting because you lied to him about something that really mattered, so he's not likely to accept or believe any efforts you make to atone. What he needs is to get as far away as possible and heal in his own way.

    Also I suspect you would like to ease his pain to alleviate some of your guilt in this matter, but there's nothing that you can do for him other than stay out of his life. And don't avoid the guilt and feeling bad about this. Feeling like this means that you are human; also, it's meant to teach you to avoid doing something like this in the future, so use it as the teacher that it is meant to be.

    And good luck with your new baby! Please check in with us here and let us know how it is going.

    reply to Jill
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