I left an abusive relationship about a year and a half ago. I had a great therapist, did a lot of 'work' around why it was so important for me to leave. Every person close to me and of value in my life thought it was without a doubt the right thing to do. We were together for 5 years. I hate using the term abusive but indeed it was. Those 5 years were an extreme roller coaster, I lost the positive joyful part of myself. But the entire time no matter how much he upset me (which was often), I still held on to the deep down hope that He May Change.
Fast forward to yesterday. Since the breakup I have been extremely disciplined and diligent about no phone calls, social media, Instagram, texts, Facebook. Until last night... I don't know what possessed me but I did looked on his Facebook. We are not 'friends' on FB but his profile isn't private, so it was easy to see.
I saw a several pictures of him and his new girlfriend, looking great and happy, and he's started his own business, and gotten a masters in the time we've been apart. Now he does blog posts about helping kids who are disabled and recently did a video about eating disorders. (He's always been into sports/ training/ sports physiology). The eating disorder video was upsetting because he used to tell me I had let myself go, and used to push salad in front of me at dinner (in front of his family) 'as a joke'.
Bottom line is today I'm feeling extremely sad and depressed. Last night I was crying pretty hard. It was a total trigger, just when I thought I had made all this progress and was at peace.
I feel that I've spent the past year or two suffering, putting the pieces back together. I lost my job towards the end of our relationship because I was emotionally incapable of having the energy/ mental stamina to work, because of the turmoil in our relationship. I still have not regained a full time position (I work part time) because of residual PTSD. I feel like a total loser.
And call me nuts but I still miss him sometimes. I still feel like I shouldn't have given up on him. Today is one of the days and I'm feeling that very strongly.
A HUGE part of me wants to reach out to him. For closure, or maybe to get back together one day. It's a bad thought, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking it.
Much much thanks to any advice.
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