Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Vixies! I like 2 guys! both of whom want to marry me!
Guy 1
I liked himfor the longest time. He made my heart race but it look him nearly an year to commit to me and I never seemed to be his first choice. He can make me laugh and we have fun together but I find it difficult to trust him. Like if I wasent good enough what changed now. He is a complete party animal and vegas is his favourite place. He has a million friends and always seems to be going from one party to the next. He has a great job and is in a location I love. But since I like him so much I feel unsure of myself. I am more the book reading shy girl in the corner as compared to him. I can be pretty outgoing but there are times when I am super shy and tongue tied. This guy is just gorgeous but I don't know If he understands commitment or is reliable.

Guy 2
This guy seemed to like me from the get go. He had no trouble commiting to me. I can have long conversations with him and I have fun with him though not as much as the first guy. He remembers everything I say. He does not seem to have a lot of friends. His job is all right not great and I don't like his location either. But maybe since I don't like him as much I am not very worried abtwhat he thinks so I can totally be myself in front of him. He makes time for me. He cannot make me laugh like the first guy. But he is stable and solid!

I don't know which one I should pick. Both are good options!

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    Good options in which universe? Not this one. Neither of these guys is a good choice for you.

    The first guy would be a bad choice for anyone and will break your heart. Yet you are drawn to him because he makes himself and his attention a scarce commodity. So you are given the illusion that he is "valuable", so you keep chasing him. It sounds like you've been conditioned to think that uncertainty = exciting romance. It doesn't. He's not valuable - it's an manipulative trick he's playing on you. Also, you don't trust him. Marriage is not going to change that. So for your own peace of mind and self-respect, step away from him. Run away from him and don't look back.

    The second guy is actually a good one. He respects you and treats you well. But while you are dazzled by untrustworthy, worthless guy #1, you will not be ready to appreciate him. So if you stay with him, you will very likely continue to pine for the other guy and no one deserves to commit himself to someone who really wants to be with someone else.

    Also, you say about guy #1, "He made my heart race but it look him nearly an year to commit to me and I never seemed to be his first choice." Yet you are looking to do that to guy #2. Do you see the irony in this situation? Why would you do the same thing to this guy when you don't appreciate being on the receiving end of it yourself?

    So you should step away from guy #1 for your sake and guy #2 for his sake. And then start looking seriously at why guys like #1 are more attractive to you than decent guys like guy #2. This is actually a fairly common problem, so it shouldn't be that difficult to find help for it.

    reply to Jill
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    Number 1 reminds me of my ex-husband. We were together 10 years and had one great daughter. I consider it a success.
    And surprisingly, or not, I left him. Happiness is this allusive thing that you just have to keep chasing. So go with your heart.

    reply to Em
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    Anon, please take this in the loving and supportive spirit in which it is offered, okay?

    Don't pick either of them.

    You're not ready to be married.

    Not because there's anything wrong with you, but your criteria for choosing a life partner are skewed.

    You're trying to base your choice on superficial things that do not last. Chemistry fades. So do looks. Jobs can be lost. Locations change.

    Also ... the more you like and trust someone, the scarier it is to be completely yourself with him, yes. But if you can be your true self with someone you're crazy about and he trusts and respects you and is crazy about you and vulnerable in return, *then* you've got the start of a relationship that actually has a chance of lasting. Especially if your values and your outlooks on the important issues are in line with each other's.

    So, slow down.

    Date them both, as long as they know about each other. Date other people. Don't settle for anyone who is less than the total package.

    I can tell you from experience that it's worth the wait.

    reply to Robynne
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