Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?
Advice Vixens
Ok, I may get flamed for this but here goes:
Could it be that your guy sees you being dependent on others, relying on others for a roof over your head, maybe even food, cable, electric and water, sees you are not being able to survive on your own and he just perhaps does not to be in the position of having another "dependent"?
The fact that when you live with someone and they expect you to "pay all of your bills" is really not that far fetched or unreasonable.
You are not the least bit wrong in thinking that the man who loves you wouldn't help you if needed. I think where you making a mistake is in feeling entitled to it.
Your whole post is about him and his stuff. What are YOU doing to be more independent and self sufficient?
PS: No one can control you unless you let them. You're b/f does sound like a jerk and not someone I could tolerate for 7 minutes much less 7 years. Stand on your own 2 feet and find a guy who makes you happy.
Could it be that your guy sees you being dependent on others, relying on others for a roof over your head, maybe even food, cable, electric and water, sees you are not being able to survive on your own and he just perhaps does not to be in the position of having another "dependent"?
The fact that when you live with someone and they expect you to "pay all of your bills" is really not that far fetched or unreasonable.
You are not the least bit wrong in thinking that the man who loves you wouldn't help you if needed. I think where you making a mistake is in feeling entitled to it.
Your whole post is about him and his stuff. What are YOU doing to be more independent and self sufficient?
PS: No one can control you unless you let them. You're b/f does sound like a jerk and not someone I could tolerate for 7 minutes much less 7 years. Stand on your own 2 feet and find a guy who makes you happy.
reply to Mary
send this answer to a friend
Darling, this man may love you, but he doesn't love you enough. He is selfish and controlling; when you love someone, you have to give of yourself and want the best for the other person.
Your self-esteem has obviously taken a hit, due to your depression and anxiety. Are you also in therapy? I hope so, because you need to know that you are worthy of love and you are worthy of more than you are settling for with this man.
Please don't stay with him just because he helps a little bit financially; it's so not worth it to sacrifice your self-worth and happiness in the process.
There's someone better out there for you. Someone who will love and emotionally support you in the way you deserve.
Your self-esteem has obviously taken a hit, due to your depression and anxiety. Are you also in therapy? I hope so, because you need to know that you are worthy of love and you are worthy of more than you are settling for with this man.
Please don't stay with him just because he helps a little bit financially; it's so not worth it to sacrifice your self-worth and happiness in the process.
There's someone better out there for you. Someone who will love and emotionally support you in the way you deserve.
reply to ehVwon
send this answer to a friend
"He has a child from a previous marriage that goes to private school, etc. But again, when it comes to me I've been given the "don’t expect anything from me" attitude."
It's that attitude I have a problem with. I'm generally of the opinion that someone who loves you should be generous in any way that they can. This doesn't always mean money--since I generally date poor people, it's a rare thing that a guy can spend a lot on me or make a gesture with money. But I do like the idea of sharing. He sounds like the kind of guy who would get pissed if you use his shampoo or something.
All of that being said, Mary is totally right. You should take steps to become self sufficient--because that's the only fair thing TO YOU. What you want is a guy who is generous, charitable and kind, but also BELIEVES in you, and knows you can make it on your own. Because when I guy knows that, then it will be a privilege for him to be allowed to provide for you.
Otherwise, any man you're with will have you over a barrell, at his mercy. Just like with this guy.
How do you make a guy know that you're so capable and awesome that they should feel privileged to be allowed to provide for you (in any way--emotional, financial, whatever)? You prove it to them.
Dump this guy, focus on you, and show not just the men out there, but YOURSELF how capable, strong and fabulous you are.
It's that attitude I have a problem with. I'm generally of the opinion that someone who loves you should be generous in any way that they can. This doesn't always mean money--since I generally date poor people, it's a rare thing that a guy can spend a lot on me or make a gesture with money. But I do like the idea of sharing. He sounds like the kind of guy who would get pissed if you use his shampoo or something.
All of that being said, Mary is totally right. You should take steps to become self sufficient--because that's the only fair thing TO YOU. What you want is a guy who is generous, charitable and kind, but also BELIEVES in you, and knows you can make it on your own. Because when I guy knows that, then it will be a privilege for him to be allowed to provide for you.
Otherwise, any man you're with will have you over a barrell, at his mercy. Just like with this guy.
How do you make a guy know that you're so capable and awesome that they should feel privileged to be allowed to provide for you (in any way--emotional, financial, whatever)? You prove it to them.
Dump this guy, focus on you, and show not just the men out there, but YOURSELF how capable, strong and fabulous you are.
reply to Samantha
send this answer to a friend
Mary wrote: Ok, I may get flamed for this but here goes:
Could it be that your guy sees you being dependent on others, relying on others for a roof over your head, maybe even food, cable, electric and water, sees you are not being able to survive on your own and he just perhaps does not to be in the position of having another "dependent"?
The fact that when you live with someone and they expect you to "pay all of your bills" is really not that far fetched or unreasonable.
You are not the least bit wrong in thinking that the man who loves you wouldn't help you if needed. I think where you making a mistake is in feeling entitled to it.
Your whole post is about him and his stuff. What are YOU doing to be more independent and self sufficient?
PS: No one can control you unless you let them. You're b/f does sound like a jerk and not someone I could tolerate for 7 minutes much less 7 years. Stand on your own 2 feet and find a guy who makes you happy.
reply to M
send this answer to a friend
AMEN
Anon, this has nothing to do with your man. He is merely a bi-product of your lousy self-esteem and depression and total dependence. I'd say stand on your own two feet but I honestly don't think you know how. You need help, serious help if you're clinging to a relationship just for a roof over your head. Your feelings of helplessness are completely in your mind - you CAN get out if you want to and you CAN make a difference in your life and you CAN find someone (maybe not a romantic someone) who will help you.
SHOW SOME INITIATIVE.
Anon, this has nothing to do with your man. He is merely a bi-product of your lousy self-esteem and depression and total dependence. I'd say stand on your own two feet but I honestly don't think you know how. You need help, serious help if you're clinging to a relationship just for a roof over your head. Your feelings of helplessness are completely in your mind - you CAN get out if you want to and you CAN make a difference in your life and you CAN find someone (maybe not a romantic someone) who will help you.
SHOW SOME INITIATIVE.
reply to M
send this answer to a friend
I say get rid of this lazy bum! He is controlling, cheap, and considers your problems to be "made up"? I wouldn't waste another precious minute of life with this guy. You have your own sanity at stake as well. Sounds to me as if you need to get your own head together before you can even begin to handle this louse. He doesn't love you because real love is somebody that supports you and cares about your well being. This guy does not.
You need to get help for your anxiety and depression issues and get your life back. The only way to get a clear head through all of this, is to cut off your relationship with this guy. He is just an energy sucker who feeds off of people that he knows he can take advantage of. The smartest thing you can do for yourself is to cut him off- and I mean quickly and completely and start over! Get your head clear, gain some stability and then you will find real love.
Good Luck!
You need to get help for your anxiety and depression issues and get your life back. The only way to get a clear head through all of this, is to cut off your relationship with this guy. He is just an energy sucker who feeds off of people that he knows he can take advantage of. The smartest thing you can do for yourself is to cut him off- and I mean quickly and completely and start over! Get your head clear, gain some stability and then you will find real love.
Good Luck!
reply to Lisa
send this answer to a friend
Anon, you need to be in a more loving and supportive relationship. This Man is not helping you to overcome your depression, he is making it worse.
How can you possibly be independent with a Man like this?
No one is perfect, we ALL have something that eats at us. I'm in the middle of figuring out a few things about myself as well. But you know what? My boyfriend is so supportive. If I need extra cash for a treat he doesn't question it. There are personal boundaries that need to be laid. This Man doesn't trust you.
Please, please find someone who will love you unconditionally.
How can you possibly be independent with a Man like this?
No one is perfect, we ALL have something that eats at us. I'm in the middle of figuring out a few things about myself as well. But you know what? My boyfriend is so supportive. If I need extra cash for a treat he doesn't question it. There are personal boundaries that need to be laid. This Man doesn't trust you.
Please, please find someone who will love you unconditionally.
reply to Sparrow
send this answer to a friend- [ Ask E.Jean Videos ]
- [ Advice Vixens ]
- [ Vixen Virtuosos ]
- [ TopCampusSexColumnists ]
more questions
Newest Q's Most Popular Newest A's
Newest Q's Most Popular Newest A's
- WTF. So, my new boyfriend-ish asked me to get something out of his Outlook for him, today. No problemo, we do that for each other ... view
posted 09/09/10 12:22am by Cate
9 comments; last 09/09/10 2:30AM - "I don't care what the others do or say, but I don't give a damn about you, I'M the hot one here!".
A bit ... view
posted 09/08/10 11:47pm by Keka
2 comments; last 09/09/10 1:31AM - My neighbor has a street sign in his bedroom above his door titled "SEX".
What kind of meathead puts this kind of artwork in his ... view
posted 09/08/10 10:44pm by Blondie
4 comments; last 09/09/10 1:32AM - Google, the quickest and easiest search engine in the world just got quicker and easier.
Welcome to Google Instant. view
posted 09/08/10 7:07pm by Alek
4 comments; last 09/08/10 7:45PM - The anonymity of the internet certainly gives some of us courage to say things to others that we wouldn't have the cojones to say in ... view
posted 09/08/10 4:18pm by anonymous
21 comments; last 09/08/10 9:49PM
I've been in a relationship with a man for seven years now. He always wants to know where and what I'm doing and always questions everything I do. Yes, he is controlling.
When we see each other a few times a week, he never wants to spend much money, maybe $15, max on whatever concerns me and he makes me feel guilty about it.
I've had severe problems throughout life with depression and anxiety attacks and many other issues. I finally got on disability.
I've practically lived with relatives only my whole life. This man knew of my situation but at times thinks my problems are just "made up."
We've discussed getting married one day, except he wants us to live together first. He also wants me to pay all of my bills and says to not expect him to help me out in any way except for paying the electric, cable and water.
I will always pay for my medical prescriptions, clothing, food for survival and any other thing I might NEED.
I don't want to marry someone just because of the money issue but at the same time I don't see how someone I'm with could really care or love me and be so strict with their money, which is more than what I get in a check.
He has a child from a previous marriage that goes to private school, etc. But again, when it comes to me I've been given the "don’t expect anything from me" attitude.
It is upsetting, but maybe I'm wrong for thinking that the man that loves you would help you if you needed help.
for Best Advice