Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?
Advice Vixens
Well, as far as being embarrassed about what's going on here as far as work is concerned, you know only what she told you and what she told her boss. She isn't feeling well. If it turns out to be something more, it turns out to be something more. But at this point, all that's happened is your friend called in sick to work. You don't have to be embarrassed about that. Really, you don't have to be embarrassed about anything. Quite frankly, it seems stupid on your company's part to just hand out promotions to people who've been there a week. That's their fault--not yours.
Now, you're not sure if she's using mental illness as an excuse to not show up or to have an affair, etc. Mental illness is probably not an "excuse." Did she tell you what her mental illness is?
Really, at the end of the day, none of this is any of your business--the affair, the mental illness, the taking off sick. I know, I know. You stuck your neck out for her. But really, all you did was recommend someone based on what you know about them. Now the job is hers, and it's up to her to get promotions, quit jobs, get fired--whatever. However she chooses to do so.
I wouldn't try to contact her. She'll contact you, I'm sure. Don't try to help her, don't try to hinder her. Don't tell the boss the personal things she told you. And don't lie to cover her ass. Whether or not you try to distance yourself is up to you---but there's certainly no reason to overly involve yourself in this--because all you really know is that the past two days she wasn't feeling well. You aren't her keeper--you don't have to know her every move to report to the boss or to cover up to the boss.
Now, you're not sure if she's using mental illness as an excuse to not show up or to have an affair, etc. Mental illness is probably not an "excuse." Did she tell you what her mental illness is?
Really, at the end of the day, none of this is any of your business--the affair, the mental illness, the taking off sick. I know, I know. You stuck your neck out for her. But really, all you did was recommend someone based on what you know about them. Now the job is hers, and it's up to her to get promotions, quit jobs, get fired--whatever. However she chooses to do so.
I wouldn't try to contact her. She'll contact you, I'm sure. Don't try to help her, don't try to hinder her. Don't tell the boss the personal things she told you. And don't lie to cover her ass. Whether or not you try to distance yourself is up to you---but there's certainly no reason to overly involve yourself in this--because all you really know is that the past two days she wasn't feeling well. You aren't her keeper--you don't have to know her every move to report to the boss or to cover up to the boss.
reply to Samantha
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Oh God, do NOT try to help her! Distance yourself from her and let her work it out at your company. Do not involve yourself in the situation.
She has already made you look bad once.. don't give her the opportunity to do it to you again!
She has already made you look bad once.. don't give her the opportunity to do it to you again!
reply to Blondie
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This "friend" of yours and her circumstances sound awfully similar to the "friend" of mine who recently moved to Florida. Everything down to a T, and it made me wonder if it might be her...except that she does not have any financial difficulties as far as I am concerned.
Anyways, there is nothing to do at this point. Don't contact her, and don't take responsibility for her shortcomings nor your company's quick decisions.
reply to Keka
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Her relationship with her boss has nothing to do with you and he should not be calling you to find out what happened to her. I'd let him know that you recommended her on good faith of her abilities (shown by her promotion), and that anything to do with the employer/employee relationship you will necessarily (and legally) stay out of. Do not betray her trust by sharing what she's told you to your boss. That's not your business and it's not his either.
It sounds like she's going through a very difficult time right now between the mental illness and a possibly abusive husband. That takes a LOT out of a person.
Don't assume that the affair is any of your business - it's not. Just because she shared that with you doesn't mean she's asking for you to get up on your high horse and condone or not condone it. That's obnoxious, so stop it. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and deal with her life right now.
If she says she has a mental illness, believe her. No one purposefully makes up having a mental illness (and if they do, then you know for sure they have one). It is difficult, it is debilitating and it is embarrassing, so believe her.
Since you know she'll likely call again, just be compassionate. Not every opportunity works out as it should, and this one didn't for obvious reasons. I'm guessing if she's got a cruel husband, she may be attempting to leave him, so she'll need you to help her and have the door open for her if she needs to. You can't find out where women's shelters are in your town in advance, but if you happen to know a police officer in your town, tell them that you might likely know someone who will need it and to ask what you need to do to prepare for it. Is this certain that she'll need it? No. Is it highly possible? Yes.
It sounds like she's going through a very difficult time right now between the mental illness and a possibly abusive husband. That takes a LOT out of a person.
Don't assume that the affair is any of your business - it's not. Just because she shared that with you doesn't mean she's asking for you to get up on your high horse and condone or not condone it. That's obnoxious, so stop it. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and deal with her life right now.
If she says she has a mental illness, believe her. No one purposefully makes up having a mental illness (and if they do, then you know for sure they have one). It is difficult, it is debilitating and it is embarrassing, so believe her.
Since you know she'll likely call again, just be compassionate. Not every opportunity works out as it should, and this one didn't for obvious reasons. I'm guessing if she's got a cruel husband, she may be attempting to leave him, so she'll need you to help her and have the door open for her if she needs to. You can't find out where women's shelters are in your town in advance, but if you happen to know a police officer in your town, tell them that you might likely know someone who will need it and to ask what you need to do to prepare for it. Is this certain that she'll need it? No. Is it highly possible? Yes.
reply to D
send this answer to a friendSamantha wrote: Well, as far as being embarrassed about what's going on here as far as work is concerned, you know only what she told you and what she told her boss. She isn't feeling well. If it turns out to be something more, it turns out to be something more. But at this point, all that's happened is your friend called in sick to work. You don't have to be embarrassed about that. Really, you don't have to be embarrassed about anything. Quite frankly, it seems stupid on your company's part to just hand out promotions to people who've been there a week. That's their fault--not yours.
Now, you're not sure if she's using mental illness as an excuse to not show up or to have an affair, etc. Mental illness is probably not an "excuse." Did she tell you what her mental illness is?
Really, at the end of the day, none of this is any of your business--the affair, the mental illness, the taking off sick. I know, I know. You stuck your neck out for her. But really, all you did was recommend someone based on what you know about them. Now the job is hers, and it's up to her to get promotions, quit jobs, get fired--whatever. However she chooses to do so.
I wouldn't try to contact her. She'll contact you, I'm sure. Don't try to help her, don't try to hinder her. Don't tell the boss the personal things she told you. And don't lie to cover her ass. Whether or not you try to distance yourself is up to you---but there's certainly no reason to overly involve yourself in this--because all you really know is that the past two days she wasn't feeling well. You aren't her keeper--you don't have to know her every move to report to the boss or to cover up to the boss.
reply to anonymous
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Thank you very much for your advice. I appreciate the feedback, as this has been really troubling me. The update is she did quit today. I will take your advice to heart. thank you
reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendD wrote: Her relationship with her boss has nothing to do with you and he should not be calling you to find out what happened to her. I'd let him know that you recommended her on good faith of her abilities (shown by her promotion), and that anything to do with the employer/employee relationship you will necessarily (and legally) stay out of. Do not betray her trust by sharing what she's told you to your boss. That's not your business and it's not his either.
It sounds like she's going through a very difficult time right now between the mental illness and a possibly abusive husband. That takes a LOT out of a person.
Don't assume that the affair is any of your business - it's not. Just because she shared that with you doesn't mean she's asking for you to get up on your high horse and condone or not condone it. That's obnoxious, so stop it. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and deal with her life right now.
If she says she has a mental illness, believe her. No one purposefully makes up having a mental illness (and if they do, then you know for sure they have one). It is difficult, it is debilitating and it is embarrassing, so believe her.
Since you know she'll likely call again, just be compassionate. Not every opportunity works out as it should, and this one didn't for obvious reasons. I'm guessing if she's got a cruel husband, she may be attempting to leave him, so she'll need you to help her and have the door open for her if she needs to. You can't find out where women's shelters are in your town in advance, but if you happen to know a police officer in your town, tell them that you might likely know someone who will need it and to ask what you need to do to prepare for it. Is this certain that she'll need it? No. Is it highly possible? Yes.
reply to anonymous
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Thank you very much for your advice. It really helps to get an outside perspective. I will really consider this and appreciate your help!
reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendD wrote: Her relationship with her boss has nothing to do with you and he should not be calling you to find out what happened to her. I'd let him know that you recommended her on good faith of her abilities (shown by her promotion), and that anything to do with the employer/employee relationship you will necessarily (and legally) stay out of. Do not betray her trust by sharing what she's told you to your boss. That's not your business and it's not his either.
It sounds like she's going through a very difficult time right now between the mental illness and a possibly abusive husband. That takes a LOT out of a person.
Don't assume that the affair is any of your business - it's not. Just because she shared that with you doesn't mean she's asking for you to get up on your high horse and condone or not condone it. That's obnoxious, so stop it. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and deal with her life right now.
If she says she has a mental illness, believe her. No one purposefully makes up having a mental illness (and if they do, then you know for sure they have one). It is difficult, it is debilitating and it is embarrassing, so believe her.
Since you know she'll likely call again, just be compassionate. Not every opportunity works out as it should, and this one didn't for obvious reasons. I'm guessing if she's got a cruel husband, she may be attempting to leave him, so she'll need you to help her and have the door open for her if she needs to. You can't find out where women's shelters are in your town in advance, but if you happen to know a police officer in your town, tell them that you might likely know someone who will need it and to ask what you need to do to prepare for it. Is this certain that she'll need it? No. Is it highly possible? Yes.
reply to anonymous
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reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendD wrote: Her relationship with her boss has nothing to do with you and he should not be calling you to find out what happened to her. I'd let him know that you recommended her on good faith of her abilities (shown by her promotion), and that anything to do with the employer/employee relationship you will necessarily (and legally) stay out of. Do not betray her trust by sharing what she's told you to your boss. That's not your business and it's not his either.
It sounds like she's going through a very difficult time right now between the mental illness and a possibly abusive husband. That takes a LOT out of a person.
Don't assume that the affair is any of your business - it's not. Just because she shared that with you doesn't mean she's asking for you to get up on your high horse and condone or not condone it. That's obnoxious, so stop it. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and deal with her life right now.
If she says she has a mental illness, believe her. No one purposefully makes up having a mental illness (and if they do, then you know for sure they have one). It is difficult, it is debilitating and it is embarrassing, so believe her.
Since you know she'll likely call again, just be compassionate. Not every opportunity works out as it should, and this one didn't for obvious reasons. I'm guessing if she's got a cruel husband, she may be attempting to leave him, so she'll need you to help her and have the door open for her if she needs to. You can't find out where women's shelters are in your town in advance, but if you happen to know a police officer in your town, tell them that you might likely know someone who will need it and to ask what you need to do to prepare for it. Is this certain that she'll need it? No. Is it highly possible? Yes.
reply to anonymous
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Thank you so much! You have really helped!
reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendKeka wrote:
This "friend" of yours and her circumstances sound awfully similar to the "friend" of mine who recently moved to Florida. Everything down to a T, and it made me wonder if it might be her...except that she does not have any financial difficulties as far as I am concerned.
Anyways, there is nothing to do at this point. Don't contact her, and don't take responsibility for her shortcomings nor your company's quick decisions.
reply to anonymous
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Thank you so much for your advice. Sounds like you know where I am coming from.
reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendD wrote: Her relationship with her boss has nothing to do with you and he should not be calling you to find out what happened to her. I'd let him know that you recommended her on good faith of her abilities (shown by her promotion), and that anything to do with the employer/employee relationship you will necessarily (and legally) stay out of. Do not betray her trust by sharing what she's told you to your boss. That's not your business and it's not his either.
It sounds like she's going through a very difficult time right now between the mental illness and a possibly abusive husband. That takes a LOT out of a person.
Don't assume that the affair is any of your business - it's not. Just because she shared that with you doesn't mean she's asking for you to get up on your high horse and condone or not condone it. That's obnoxious, so stop it. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and deal with her life right now.
If she says she has a mental illness, believe her. No one purposefully makes up having a mental illness (and if they do, then you know for sure they have one). It is difficult, it is debilitating and it is embarrassing, so believe her.
Since you know she'll likely call again, just be compassionate. Not every opportunity works out as it should, and this one didn't for obvious reasons. I'm guessing if she's got a cruel husband, she may be attempting to leave him, so she'll need you to help her and have the door open for her if she needs to. You can't find out where women's shelters are in your town in advance, but if you happen to know a police officer in your town, tell them that you might likely know someone who will need it and to ask what you need to do to prepare for it. Is this certain that she'll need it? No. Is it highly possible? Yes.
reply to anonymous
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reply to anonymous
send this answer to a friendBlondie wrote: Oh God, do NOT try to help her! Distance yourself from her and let her work it out at your company. Do not involve yourself in the situation.
She has already made you look bad once.. don't give her the opportunity to do it to you again!
reply to anonymous
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Thank you so much for your take on this!
reply to anonymous
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She let me know she was having some financial problems as well as marital problems and needed a job. I have a great career, and wanted to help her with an entry level job. She has not had a job in at least 6 years, but I trusted that she could handle this part time position. Within 1 week of her working, she was asked by my supervisor to interview for a promotion. She interviewed, and was given the promotion.
She went through some training for the promotion and then had a few days off before starting. During this time, she admitted to me that she had recently been hospitalized for a mental illness. She also told me that she is having serious problems with her husband, and is having an affair with a man that she recently met.
I tried to be understanding towards her because of the mental illness, but told her that I could not condone the affair, especially since she had two small children. She told me that her husband is very cruel to her, and because he treats her so badly, she wants to leave him, regardless of the affair.
Anyway, she was supposed to start her new position yesterday, and called in sick. Today was supposed to be her second day at her new job and again she called in sick. I called her to see if she was ok, and she did not respond to my calls. Finally she texted me saying "I am so sorry but I am not well mentally or physically. I may have to quit this job before I even start it. Sorry for letting you down. I will tell you more about it when I am able to talk, but now isn't a good time because my husband is giving me grief. I will call you in a few hours."
I never heard from her. I called several times, and texted her, but got no responses. She has been known to not return calls at times, but in this case I feel she should be letting me know what is up.
My boss called me today to see what is going on, saying how dissappointed she is that this person has been not coming in to work, and that she is concerned.
I am so dissappointed, especially since I stuck my neck out for her- having faith that she would come through. She asked me for help, and I gave it to her, as a good friend. She seriously let me down, and I am embarrassed since I recommended her.
I am not sure if she is using the mental illness as an excuse to not show up, and to have the affair, etc. I am not sure if I should believe that the husband is so terrible (especially when he is the only one looking after the two children). I understand mental illness can impair judgement, and I am trying to be kind and understanding. She has been known to embellish the truth and create drama, so I have some question about what the truth actually is.
At this point do I try to reach her, or what? I am predicting that she will quit this job before it starts, despite the investment my company has made in her. I wish I never recomended her. I am wondering how this affair plays into this, and if I should just distance myself from her, or try to help her- even though I have gotten burned. Please advise.
UPDATE: This morning she texted me to let me know she quit. She said she is sorry and would like to forward me her letter of resignation. I have not responded yet.
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