Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Dumbest thing you've ever purchased?
I bought a device that said it could make hard boiled eggs come out square. It seemed cool, dammit!

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    One of those "thighmaster" thingies. It makes a great dust bunny collector!

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    A red sleveless shirt with the word playboy in front and the logo.

    I still have it in my closet I look at it and laugh it is so ugly.

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    A friend and I both got utterly seduced by an advertorial for a night treatment for skin.

    It's made by a brand of mineral makeup we both love. The night treatment is also in powdered form and promised total renewal, thanks to "mineral-rich earth soil"

    We both used it for a couple weeks and went to bed looking a bit chalky. I didn't notice a change. And then it hit me like a brick. I called my friend and howled:

    "We spent $60 on a jar... OF DIRT!!"

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    Josh wrote: Did it work?

    Mm. It kind of came out looking like a squoval. I'll put it on ebay for you if you want, and then you and I can have the same answer! Yay!!

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    Joanna wrote: Mm. It kind of came out looking like a squoval. I'll put it on ebay for you if you want, and then you and I can have the same answer! Yay!!

    ha, "squoval"

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    Where can I start............................

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    Bonnie wrote: A friend and I both got utterly seduced by an advertorial for a night treatment for skin. It's made by a brand of mineral makeup we both love. The night treatment is also in powdered form and promised total renewal, thanks to "mineral-rich earth soil" We both used it for a couple weeks and went to bed looking a bit chalky. I didn't notice a change. And then it hit me like a brick. I called my friend and howled: "We spent $60 on a jar... OF DIRT!!"

    I was so close to buying that!! It is really interesting to hear that it didn't work. I would have purchased it except I had just purchased something else at the same store and didn't feel like whipping out my wallet again. "Jar of Dirt..." haha.

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    While visiting my cousin in Vancouver I got sucked into getting a scalp massage from one of those mall stands. The massage felt so great I bought this alien looking massage device. We got back home and tried the massager, but it didn't feel good at all. All it managed to do was tangle my hair and irritate my scalp.

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    Sam wrote: While visiting my cousin in Vancouver I got sucked into getting a scalp massage from one of those mall stands. The massage felt so great I bought this alien looking massage device. We got back home and tried the massager, but it didn't feel good at all. All it managed to do was tangle my hair and irritate my scalp.

    does it look like this?
    Photobucket

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    Joanna wrote: I was so close to buying that!! It is really interesting to hear that it didn't work. I would have purchased it except I had just purchased something else at the same store and didn't feel like whipping out my wallet again. "Jar of Dirt..." haha.

    We both felt like it clogged our pores.

    Not so surprising considering we were sleeping with dusty faces!

    Luckily I get most of my fancy beauty stuff for free since I write reviews, AND have a sister in the spa business. But even with all the schwag, Sephora is soooo seductive.

    I just picture the mineral people laughing and laughing, "We even came right out and TOLD them it's dirt! They bought it anyway, whahah!"

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    A
    I bought an "angel" monitor for one of my babes. It promised to set off an alarm if the pad under the mattress didn't detect breathing.

    The pad didn't fit under the entire mattress. The pad didn't pick up breathing if babe was in a deep sleep.

    I would wake up to an alarm and run like a psycho to the crib, grab her up out of it---and we'd both be awake.

    It was such a waste of money!

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    The Peti-Cure (now advertised under various names) - it terrified my dogs so much, they practically begged for the clippers.

    And that Sham-Wow guy haunts my dreams.

    reply to Jen 1x
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    Joanna wrote: Mm. It kind of came out looking like a squoval. I'll put it on ebay for you if you want, and then you and I can have the same answer! Yay!!

    Squoval is my new favorite word. I can't think of anything dumb that I've ever purchased, although I know there must be something...

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    A wrote: I bought an "angel" monitor for one of my babes. It promised to set off an alarm if the pad under the mattress didn't detect breathing. The pad didn't fit under the entire mattress. The pad didn't pick up breathing if babe was in a deep sleep. I would wake up to an alarm and run like a psycho to the crib, grab her up out of it---and we'd both be awake. It was such a waste of money!

    That's good to know, and also scary to think of a device like that malfunctioning in the opposite case. By the way, are those your tots in the photo? They are beautiful.

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    A wrote: I bought an "angel" monitor for one of my babes. It promised to set off an alarm if the pad under the mattress didn't detect breathing. The pad didn't fit under the entire mattress. The pad didn't pick up breathing if babe was in a deep sleep. I would wake up to an alarm and run like a psycho to the crib, grab her up out of it---and we'd both be awake. It was such a waste of money!

    sounds like that one was designed to f*ck with a new moms' fragile sanity!

    Jeez!

    And I second Joanna; those are some adorable babies! They look like they breathe juuuussst fine!

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    Joanna wrote: does it look like this? Photobucket

    Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!

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    Sam wrote: Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!

    maybe there is some other good use for it. like an egg beater for my squoval eggs. or to scramble the hair of your mortal enemies!

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    An abortion.

    Now you know.

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    An egg beater! Yes, for giant squoval eggs! Only I left the darn thing in Canada. It was too funny watching my family try and use it, too. One of my Aunties poked her eye. Another cousin just kept squealing, "Ouch" every time he tried to use it. You are supposed to bend it to fit your head, but by the time I left, it looked like it had been run over by a car several times.

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    Sam wrote: Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!


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    Sam wrote: Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!


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    Sam wrote: Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!

    Looks like a dismantled whisk. And a daddy long-legs. And a hoop skirt.

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    One year my Mom bought my older brother a device that made a little hole in an egg and scrambled it in the shell. Why a person would not only buy such a product, but want one, is beyond me.

    My brother unwrapped it and mumbled to me, casting it aside, "this sucker's going right in the garbage."

    I still remember that, 30 years later.

    Doesn't really answer your question, but it's what I thought of.

    reply to ehvwon
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    Bonnie wrote: A friend and I both got utterly seduced by an advertorial for a night treatment for skin. It's made by a brand of mineral makeup we both love. The night treatment is also in powdered form and promised total renewal, thanks to "mineral-rich earth soil" We both used it for a couple weeks and went to bed looking a bit chalky. I didn't notice a change. And then it hit me like a brick. I called my friend and howled: "We spent $60 on a jar... OF DIRT!!"

    I'm laughing with you, Bonnie! They almost got me, too! My mom bought the mineral makeup and I got to try it. It made my face itch.

    reply to Jen 1x
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    ehvwon wrote: One year my Mom bought my older brother a device that made a little hole in an egg and scrambled it in the shell. Why a person would not only buy such a product, but want one, is beyond me. My brother unwrapped it and mumbled to me, casting it aside, "this sucker's going right in the garbage." I still remember that, 30 years later. Doesn't really answer your question, but it's what I thought of.

    that is hilarious. he's better off using sam's head massager to scramble them: at least then he can do multiple eggs at once.

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    ehvwon wrote: One year my Mom bought my older brother a device that made a little hole in an egg and scrambled it in the shell. Why a person would not only buy such a product, but want one, is beyond me. My brother unwrapped it and mumbled to me, casting it aside, "this sucker's going right in the garbage." I still remember that, 30 years later. Doesn't really answer your question, but it's what I thought of.

    I'm a sucker for bad cooking products. This device sounds interesting. I'm sure it was never used, but you could then cook the egg and eat scrambled eggs out of the shell if you poached it, or was it so you didn't have to dirty a bowl? Did you have to plug it in? Absurd, yes, but I would love to try it!

    Gosh, we could have a giant egg party if we still kept all of this crap!

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    Jen 1x wrote: The Peti-Cure (now advertised under various names) - it terrified my dogs so much, they practically begged for the clippers. And that Sham-Wow guy haunts my dreams.



    "Made in Germany...you know the Germans always make good stuff..."

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    Sam wrote: Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!

    I bought one of those hair things too. So crazy. I don't even know where it is now.

    But for all time bad purchases I have to go with a really stupid clock that looked so cute. The problem was that you had to practically dismantle it to get the alarm to turn off. Insanity -- not to mention a waste of money.

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    I once bought a Brazilian bikini wax. Anyone else been down that road?

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    Nancy wrote: I bought one of those hair things too. So crazy. I don't even know where it is now. But for all time bad purchases I have to go with a really stupid clock that looked so cute. The problem was that you had to practically dismantle it to get the alarm to turn off. Insanity -- not to mention a waste of money.

    Photobucket
    That's funny. Speaking of clocks, have you heard of the alarm clock on wheels? (see above.) It's called clocky. Clocky actually runs away from you and drives all around the room and you have to catch it to turn it off. Ha.

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    Joanna wrote: Photobucket That's funny. Speaking of clocks, have you heard of the alarm clock on wheels? (see above.) It's called clocky. Clocky actually runs away from you and drives all around the room and you have to catch it to turn it off. Ha.

    Clocky sounds like an asshole.

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    Chloe wrote: Clocky sounds like an asshole.

    Ha. He sure does! Also sound like my niece.

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    Chloe wrote: Clocky sounds like an asshole.

    Ha. He sure does! Also sound like my niece.

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    A
    Joanna wrote: That's good to know, and also scary to think of a device like that malfunctioning in the opposite case. By the way, are those your tots in the photo? They are beautiful.

    Thanks Joanna and bonnie! Those are two of the four.

    The Angel devicce is a for sure mindf*ck for new parents.

    I do wonder about Sham-Wow though....

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    A wrote: I bought an "angel" monitor for one of my babes. It promised to set off an alarm if the pad under the mattress didn't detect breathing. The pad didn't fit under the entire mattress. The pad didn't pick up breathing if babe was in a deep sleep. I would wake up to an alarm and run like a psycho to the crib, grab her up out of it---and we'd both be awake. It was such a waste of money!

    I've been cracking up thinking of you running in there all-psycho like and grabbing the baby, subsequently waking it up!

    I used to check on my daughter SO much to make sure she was still breathing, just seems like something I would've done!! Glad I didn't hear about that product!

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    Joanna wrote: Photobucket That's funny. Speaking of clocks, have you heard of the alarm clock on wheels? (see above.) It's called clocky. Clocky actually runs away from you and drives all around the room and you have to catch it to turn it off. Ha.

    OMG, SO many people on my xmas list are getting Clocky this year!!

    My stomach hurts from laughing!!

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    RockinGoldenGirl wrote: A home perm! Frizz-ball alley:)

    Well, if your hair is anything like your cartoon pic, thank GAWD you came out alive!

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    My father convinced my mother that if she had his child, I would come out hip. But not only did I come out square, I came out warped. The moral of the story is, don't believe every man with a gift of gab.

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    I decided I wanted to learn how to play a digeridoo. But I didn't want to pay a fortune for one of the real Australian made ones. So I bought one off eBay made from a pipe.

    It's sitting in my closet, covered in dust.

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    Phoenix wrote: I decided I wanted to learn how to play a digeridoo. But I didn't want to pay a fortune for one of the real Australian made ones. So I bought one off eBay made from a pipe. It's sitting in my closet, covered in dust.

    I saw someone playing a digeridoo out of the passenger seat of a moving vehicle once. Man that was weird.

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    I was flicking through a British Vogue two and a half years ago and saw a feature on country living. They translated a regular fisherman's wardrobe into a stylish countryside retreat costume. One of the fisherman's accessories, as I'm sure you can imagine, was a creel. For some reason, I thought, that is so cool looking! Mind you, I live in Los Angeles and have never gone, or plan, to go fishing. It just looked like such a fun shape and the wicker was glazed, I thought to myself, I'm going to start a trend and carry around this fishing basket. I'll be like Jane Birkin with her basket before the Hermes folks came along. So, I found a creel online, spent FIFTY DOLLARS and had it sent to me. It now hangs in my closet, never ONCE being used.

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    The Bender Ball method of ab training.....have you seen Leslie Bender? Plus, I paid $14.95 shipping for a ball that cost $10.95! I'm such a moron :)

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    I bought a djembe drum, used it about 5 times, and then used it as my bedside table. What a waste!!

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    A wrote: Thanks Joanna and bonnie! Those are two of the four. The Angel devicce is a for sure mindf*ck for new parents. I do wonder about Sham-Wow though....

    The guy for Sham Wow just makes you wanna buy it. He's so "yo bo guido joe" you know he couldn't make that up if he tried. He's hysterial ....especially the part where he sucks up the huge spill on the carpet: "lookatissss folks, i ain't even pressin' and da sham wow here, it sucked it all up plus the mold and dirt unda dis here rug"
    I swear, they pulled that guy off the street, when the Kaboom/Orange Glo/magic puddy guy didn't show up for the gig.
    I'll think I'll go order one rite now...that'll take care of approximately 15 XMas gifts, since if I call RITE NOW and buy one, I'll get an amazing 14 more free!

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    An fabric thing designed to make a stomach flat.
    NOT!!!

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    It's a toss up between the compost bin and those stupid "as seen on tv" watering bulbs.

    The composter is a nice idea in theory but having to turn the compost pile with a rake is a giant pain in the butt and it is somewhat repulsive to view the contents of the bin while turning it. I'll probably have different opinion on this once I actually have usable, organic fertilizer next spring, though.

    The watering bulbs don't work. One never seems to empty and the other is empty 5 minutes after I fill it. I end up watering my plants just as I always did before...when I see the one in the window looking desperate.

    See...I move to the burbs and become some earthy crunchy chick talking about composting and plant-watering. What happened to my glam rock days of purple hair and platform shoes? I REALLY need to get into the city more often.

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    I paid 400 bucks for a hair-straightening procedure I'd read about in the newspaper ... my hairstylist put the white concoction that felt like cake frosting all over my head. This took about two hours. Afterward, my hair's texture had changed so much that it wouldn't even keep a curl from a hot curling iron.

    Then, when my hair grew out, the roots were wavier than the rest of my head.

    Dumb, dumb, dumb.

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    Bangs. In fifth grade, my mother would not let me cut my hair, so I asked for bangs. You know when you cut your hair, your hair appears thicker? My bangs had five times the volume compared to the rest of my tricep-length hair. My friends let me know how ridiculous it looked.

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    An Ab-doer...should have called it the "Ab-donter".

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    Actually it's something that my mom bought for me. It was this thing that repairs dents by pulling them out with a suction cup. It was junk.

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    Sam wrote: Ugh! I'm having nightmares even seeing that damn thing again. You seriously made my stomach churn. LOL!

    I love those things! Maybe you just have to have short hair...

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    My Bizzzeee Buzzz Buzzz , a pen shaped like a bee... I was a kid............

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    Jen 1x wrote: I'm laughing with you, Bonnie! They almost got me, too! My mom bought the mineral makeup and I got to try it. It made my face itch.

    God.. I thought I was the only one who fell for that mineral make up stuff ..it was awful..I don't wear anything....I've heard some girls love it though..so everybody's chemically different...

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    At the insistence of my sisters I bought a wig, bright orange red, that made me look like a middle aged Little Orphan Annie.

    But my sisters swore it made me look 40, even though I was nearing 55 at the time.

    So, I got all dolled up, put on my wig, slipped smugly behind the wheel of my old fogies Town Car, and buzzed off to the mall with my sisters in the back seat.

    Well, just my luck, I caught one of those unbearably long red lights.

    As we were sitting there, waiting for it to change, I glanced over at this red Miata convertible of teenage girls alongside me. They were slapping their legs, and pushing each other while pointing at me and laughing hysterically.

    This sent my sisters into identical convulsions.

    The light changed and the cars behind the teenagers began honking, but they couldn't go forward because the driver, had gotten out of the car and pee'd her pants from laughing so hard.

    Meanwhile, my older sister was so caught up in those girls laughing at me that she pee'd her pants inside my car.

    She claimed it was good for the leather. Made it more supple.

    Uh-huh.

    Oh sure.

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    ehvwon wrote: One year my Mom bought my older brother a device that made a little hole in an egg and scrambled it in the shell. Why a person would not only buy such a product, but want one, is beyond me. My brother unwrapped it and mumbled to me, casting it aside, "this sucker's going right in the garbage." I still remember that, 30 years later. Doesn't really answer your question, but it's what I thought of.

    I can't believe you mention this, because I was going to mention this gadget.

    Thing is, I NEVER got it, because they would give a 1 800 number which I couldn't dial from Mexico. It was SO frustrating because I really wanted it bad...to tell you the truth I still want it.

    Well, the reason behind wanting it is that you wouldn't have to get a dish dirty to scramble an egg. Plus, you know that mucus thingy, like an umbilical cord? well that is disgusting .....

    I never had to cook those days, but I don't know, it was just such a cool gadget....you know how nerdy I am

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    Also, I got sushi flavored potato chips recently. True story.

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    Joanna wrote: Also, I got sushi flavored potato chips recently. True story.

    Hey Joanna,
    You ever been to London? They sell potato chips with these flavors:

    Liver and Onions

    Thai Curry Chicken

    Lamb with Mint

    etc... It's AWESOME.

    I'm in L.A. too. Where can I score some sushi favored potato chips?

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    fayeruz wrote: Hey Joanna, You ever been to London? They sell potato chips with these flavors: Liver and Onions Thai Curry Chicken Lamb with Mint etc... It's AWESOME. I'm in L.A. too. Where can I score some sushi favored potato chips?

    At a Thai grocery store! And in Laurel Canyon they sell prawn flavored chips or "crisps" as the Brits call it! Those are good too.

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    At the Laurel Canyon market across from Kirkwood? That's by my house!

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    George Foreman IGrill. Yes, a George Foreman Grill that's Ipod accessible?! You can grill and bump music at the same time and with the same device!

    Yes, it exists. Unfortunately, I do not own one, but I kinda have this guilty pleasure to buy one for an absolutely bumpin' BBQ.

    I wonder if the music synchronizes to your grilling.

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    fayeruz wrote: At the Laurel Canyon market across from Kirkwood? That's by my house!

    That's so funny! I'm there all the time :) Good selection of British snack foods!

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    Last week, my cellphone fell out of my pocket while I was in someone else's car. When I finally realized it was gone, the person driving was long gone.

    I paid a lady at a gas station $5 to make one phone call. I felt kind of cheated, but I needed to make that call.

    It was worth it.

    J. Cole


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    I bought a squawking chicken from Cracker Barrel once...because it was cute and clucked when you pulled its neck. A useless $25 I'll never get back.

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    Joanna wrote: That's so funny! I'm there all the time :) Good selection of British snack foods!

    You are AWESOME for passing that on. I will search for my very fave - Cadbury Violet Crumble!

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    something from an I had insomina that night infomercial and experienced, boredom, irrationality as well as, compulsive reaction, at about 3 AM.

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