Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Agh...I've been married for 7 years and I guess I have what you would call the 7 year itch. My husband is 12 years older than me and he's much more of a home-body than I am. He doesn't really have many friends, and prefers to stay home all the time instead of going out. And on the rare occasion we do make it out with friends, he never has a good time. I'm way more social and I enjoy going out for dinner and drinks with my friends.

My bff of 15 years just told me he's in love with me, and I'm completely crazy about him, but...I'm married. Now he has been in a relationship off an on for the past 5 years and it seems that no matter what happens, they end up back together. He and I have been hanging out quite often on weekends going out at night and he told me that he realizes he's in love with me and he would love to be with me.

My life is pretty stable and secure the way it is...no kids, good job, hubby is a good man even if he is a bit boring...but I don't have any real fun unless I'm out with my friends. What's wrong with me??? I guess I'm bored in my marriage and need more fun and excitement and I've tried talking to hubby about it and he thinks I'm nuts. He thinks as long as he brings home the bacon that makes him a good husband. Now don't get me wrong, that's part of it, but not the whole enchilada.

Now for catch #2 with my bff...he's into all wild sexual stuff like group sex and thinks all sex needs to be porn style. Now I'm all for getting freaky, but group sex...I dunno about that one. And I can tell you for sure that porn sex is great but sometimes, plain old vanilla sex is just as good too. Oy Vixens...I'm in need of help!!

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    Not sure of what you are asking here. Marriage is give and take, if your bored get a hobby, go out with friends... You should have known before marriage he was not as in to a social life as you are. Work it out with him. Find things you both can enjoy together rather than just home time. Take a dance class...

    reply to T.
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    Hubby was quite the socialite until about 3 years into our marriage. His motto was "if it's not fun, I don't want to do it." Well, now his motto is "I hate people." He's just not the same person I married, and I know everyone changes, but it's like we have each evolved separately. I have my own hobbies, but I never have any fun with him. What do I do to help the situation, or do I just throw in the towel? I don't think being single would be that bad, but I know there is a shortage of good men out there. So my question is - do I stay? How can I try to work it out?

    reply to anonymous
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    Hubby was quite the socialite until about 3 years into our marriage. His motto was "if it's not fun, I don't want to do it." Well, now his motto is "I hate people." He's just not the same person I married, and I know everyone changes, but it's like we have each evolved separately. I have my own hobbies, but I never have any fun with him. What do I do to help the situation, or do I just throw in the towel? I don't think being single would be that bad, but I know there is a shortage of good men out there. So my question is - do I stay? How can I try to work it out?

    reply to anonymous
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    Would he agree to go get help together?....couples therapy? I dunno...or just have "vanilla sex" with the hubby if that's what you want.

    reply to Cane
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    The exact same thing happened to me. Exactly.

    I've been divorced for 8 years.

    reply to Lela
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    anonymous wrote: Hubby was quite the socialite until about 3 years into our marriage. His motto was "if it's not fun, I don't want to do it." Well, now his motto is "I hate people." He's just not the same person I married, and I know everyone changes, but it's like we have each evolved separately. I have my own hobbies, but I never have any fun with him. What do I do to help the situation, or do I just throw in the towel? I don't think being single would be that bad, but I know there is a shortage of good men out there. So my question is - do I stay? How can I try to work it out?

    Yeah, its hard... people do change, and not always in the same direction. And I have always had the same issues as you w P.
    This may be radical-- but would your husband be up for open marriage? I have a frend who goes with other girls, and his wife does as well, they sometimes share, but it seems to work for them, although it is hardly typical.

    Or you can do what I do-- be honest, see what you can work out that works for both of you. Tell him you arent having any fun ( I've been through this recently myself as money problems and life frustrations have drastically altered our life) and tell him why. You have to be really specific about what you feel you are lacking and why without blaming him. Its not his fault, he is trying to be a good husband in his version of the story. What is it exactly that you want--from life, from him, from yourself? Is it sexual boredom only? Is it restlessness? Is it wishing you were doing something different? Do you feel ignored, misunderstood, left out, lonely, frustrated, what?
    Leaving someone should pretty much be a last ditch option in my book unless he is mean or abusive-- you've got a history with this person, and you say he is a good man and he brings home the bacon. See if you can tweak the paramters more to your liking...but do be honest, and try this before you jump into porno dude affair;)
    I really do understand this q. sigh. Life is just hard sometimes.

    reply to Les
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    "A shortage of good men out there" its not a reason to stay in an unsatisfaying marriage.
    On the other hand, everyone reachs a point of boredom in their union after a few years, and for what you say, seems like you are on the verge: of cheating. As if doing so would put a bandage over the whole thing.

    I will not go into a lecture of how grass always looks greener on the other side, or how easy it is to fantasize when you have the security blanket that is a stable home. Pure bullocks, and I am a realist.
    You have one life and must make the best out of it. So for now, my dear, I believe you should separate for a while before making any further decisions. It's only fair for both of you.

    reply to Keka
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    Marriage is a tough gig. It's hard to weather the difficult times, and when you have a temptation on the outside, it makes the prospect of chucking it all even more palatable.

    I would advise you to consider therapy before giving up on your marriage. If your husband won't go, go without him. Talk to him again and tell him you are unhappy. Give your marriage, this relationship you've devoted seven years to, a fighting chance before you give up.

    If you do decide to get it on with your friend, have the class and respect for your husband to do so after you have left the marriage.

    reply to ehvwon
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    anonymous wrote: Hubby was quite the socialite until about 3 years into our marriage. His motto was "if it's not fun, I don't want to do it." Well, now his motto is "I hate people." He's just not the same person I married, and I know everyone changes, but it's like we have each evolved separately. I have my own hobbies, but I never have any fun with him. What do I do to help the situation, or do I just throw in the towel? I don't think being single would be that bad, but I know there is a shortage of good men out there. So my question is - do I stay? How can I try to work it out?

    Does the hubby have a side lover too?
    I think you need to just follow your heart on whether or not you want to leave from the situation.

    reply to Cane
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    anonymous wrote: Hubby was quite the socialite until about 3 years into our marriage. His motto was "if it's not fun, I don't want to do it." Well, now his motto is "I hate people." He's just not the same person I married, and I know everyone changes, but it's like we have each evolved separately. I have my own hobbies, but I never have any fun with him. What do I do to help the situation, or do I just throw in the towel? I don't think being single would be that bad, but I know there is a shortage of good men out there. So my question is - do I stay? How can I try to work it out?

    People as a general go through changes throughout our lives. Our relationships sometimes can suffer as a result. It sounds like he is going through a difficult one. Do you want to help him through this? Canes advice sounds good. Maybe he is hurting emotionally... or on some level. He sounds like he is withdrawing into himself hence avoiding people. Awkward question, has he become an alcoholic or drug user? That can make healing a bit more difficult. ( and no you do not have to answer that question to me, just note if he has for yourself and himself.)As it seems you have already probably tried to help him, decide how far and how much you are willing to do or go to help. Sounds like there is underlying info here. You know your own heart. You know the situation. The grass is not always greener elsewhere. Life has up and downs no matter where we are or what we do. Best of luck to you!

    reply to T.
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    DON'T CHEAT. Either break it off with the hubs, or the best friend.

    Playing two guys at one time is just sooo 90s.

    reply to MJ
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    MJ, I'm glad to see you're still around!!

    reply to Lilo
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    A. your life is most certainly NOT stable. For one thing, you are leading your husband on by staying with him when you clearly are thinking about leaving him.
    B. you are actually believing some guy BFF or not, who tells a MARRIED woman that he is in love with them.

    You need to start believing that you can control your life, and that control comes from making DECISIONS YOURSELF. the A. is the decision you can't seem to make even though I can tell you need to leave him. the B. is yourself, not some venomous BFF. I will pray to the gods for you.

    reply to Cockulous Maximus
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    First...didn't you know there's no such thing as a female having a heterosexual male BFF! If he's not gay, than he was just waiting for an opportunity to get into your head--I mean panties. Second, how convenient of your "BFF" to know when to slip in the "love" word. I'm sure he probably loves you as a friend, but it seems like you've clued him in to how boring your husband is--and his "love" has probably stemmed from that. I mean, can you blame him? Someone that he's been sexually attracted to for years shows signs of potentially wanting to give up the nookie? Hmmm--seems like the writing is on the wall--in big, bold, and bright letters too. No "BFF" is going to disrespect a marraige unless the thought of naughty, kinky sex is on his mind (and all that love talk is just to seal the deal with you).

    Finally, infidelity is not cool--especially since you claimed to be content with your marriage. If your husband is just a little boring, how about putting all of your energy into finding ways to spice up your marraige? Have a serious discussion with your hubby and offer some ways that he can spark up the marraige. I'm sure he'll agree...and once he does, fireworks are gauranteed! You'll end up saying..."BFF...WHO?"

    reply to Tanya
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    Lilo wrote: MJ, I'm glad to see you're still around!!

    Good to see you (read you?) too, Lilo!

    reply to MJ
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    When I was a little girl I used to whine, "Grandma, you're sooooo boring!" And my grandma would reply, "Child, I am not your entertainment center. Here's some glue, a few feathers and a paper bag. Go make something and don't come back until dinner time." BTW - I loved my grandma.

    Sounds like somebody has too much time on her hands and not enough interests of her own! Since when was a husband a social planner? Or a male best friend an escape marriage hatch plan? Get some courage, babe.

    Do what you love! Take Spanish. Learn the Tango. Write a novel. Go to cooking school. It isn't anybody else's job to live a life for you. And, when you're out there doing all this great stuff - feeling great about yourself and having a blast - you might meet someone else who loves it also- or might just find your husband suddenly wants to go out again.

    The other way - everyone loses. That's not the fun you were looking for, is it?




    reply to Staci
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    I don't believe in the 7-year itch, though it was one hell of a movie. What I do believe is that marriage is about compromise, and it sounds like hubby isn't compromising right now. You have to tell him his anti-social stance is really bothering you. Yes, again. And again, if necessary. If he loves you, it shouldn't be such a big deal for him to take you out with friends. Encourage him to make more friends on his own by joining groups. Maybe he will be more likely to go out with friends of his own choosing, and you can meet other couples that way. And if that doesn't work, you might want to go into couples therapy.

    Put the BFF out of your brain for now. He's in a relationship, you're married, and that can only mean trouble. I also wonder if maybe your husband isn't jealous of the time you and BFF spend together. You may want to talk to him about that as well.

    Also, you say you want more fun and excitement. Those are pretty vague words. What would make your marriage more fun and exciting? Figure it out and talk to him about it once you know.

    reply to Gena
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    You have two major issues here.

    Your marriage is one issue and the kinky bff is the other issue.

    Your husband might feel deeply disrespected and neglected by you. You have been cavorting with a morally suspect man who wants to have sex with you. Obviously, your husband can sense that he is morally suspect and wants to have sex with you. You seem to prefer bff's company to your husband's. No wonder your husband is depressed and isolating himself at home.

    Why did you marry your husband in the first place?

    Look back to that time and see if you can re-capture that love and infatuation.

    Know that if you were with this orgy-having wanna-be porn king, you will probably suffer in the future. When you arrive at middle and elderly age, this probable sexual addict will be chasing younger tail from multiple partners. Do you really want to deal with that?

    Bottom line, you need to evaluate your priorities. Do you value fun or stability more? Which is more important to building a viable future?

    reply to Raven
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    It sounds like you are bored and now all the sudden your BFF seems like a lot more of an attractive option. But have you been in love with your BFF for all this time, or are u jus interested because he seems to be. I think u should really evaluate whether you can continue to live how u are and be happy or if you really do need to leave the situation in order to be happy because in the end, since you donít have any children, itís about you and what is best for you.

    I know, itís easier said than done.

    But from my own personal experience, I was in a long-term (2 years is long for my age!) relationship and started having similar feelings. I also had the BFF dilemma (I liked him, he liked me). Well this is how it played out:
    I broke up with my long term boyfriend.
    Started messing with my BFF, but that quickly got old because you only want what you canít have which was the whole basis of the attraction we had.
    Then I found someone new, who is perfect for me and I love so much!
    Maybe sometimes you have to take the risk, itís ultimately up to you and what you really want.

    reply to Betty
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    I donít know why marriage vows donít include ďin boredom and in fun, out of love and into someone elseĒ I hear your pain and we all long for that fun of finding out someone likes you, that is the best feeling and makes us feel like we can conquer the world. Unfortunately all the crap we have from last relationships seem to climb into some invisible backpack and stick with us despite all our new beginnings. I think the issues you have with your husband and that this bff has with his girlfriend will only be transferred to your new relationship. For him itís easy, he is in this on again off again relationship, he has nothing to lose. You, on the other hand, have a lot and you donít want to be some commercial break for him that ends up destroying your marriage. Plus, if this bff really is into freaky shit, you may find yourself doing things you didnít want and in the end, eating more than just a divorce.

    reply to Heather
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    Oh Darlin'.
    You seem to have a LOT of issues to solve here. To cut to the chase: Your BFF sounds like a heartache waitin' for a place to happen-- especially with all that on-again-off-again-ex nonsense and the penchant for sexual preferences that you're clearly uncomfortable with.
    I think that sometimes in married life, you fall into a routine and become so bored with one another that dang near anything sounds exciting.
    Here's what I suggest you do:
    -Sit your husband down and tell him how much you miss the early days of your love affair, the sponteneity, the pace of your social life and the hot, hot, hot sex it inspired. Ask him what he'd like to do to rekindle that fire, and maybe the two of you will start getting freaky together again, instead of you windowshopping a man who isn't available (Mr. BFF).
    -I am a firm believer in marital incentives: make your husband a deal-- if he goes out with you one week, you return a favor of his choosing. ; ) The next week, you go out without him and give him a break from the whirlwind.
    -When you return from said Girl's Night Out, drag him to bed by his necktie and render him senseless with desire. He'll wonder what it is you're doing while you're out there on your own, and will probably take more of an interest in these outings.
    -About that BFF...he's interfering in your marriage. I think you need to cool your heels away from him for a while and get some perspective on how lucky you are to have a man who just wants to be at home with you. Dollbaby, that's something a lot of women out there dream of.
    Be good to yourself!


    reply to Jamie
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    Interesting situation here, but it's not really that complex.

    First, venturing off with you BFF is dangerous right now. Yes, you both are in relationships, but there is a bigger issue: the cravings for each other are probably based in lust, not love.

    I assume the BFF is fully aware about your marriage issues -- without knowing him, I can only guess there is a certain attraction to that. Being your BFF, I'm sure he cares for you. In addition to his care for you, he might (fairly) think you are bored, he can excite you more than your hubby can.

    The problem here is, his "love" for you may be a combination of lust and caring -- which isn't love. In return, you care for him and lust for some excitement. It's a formula for great sex and an even better rebound. It's also a recipe for ruining your marriage and regretting the decisions you made.

    So, for starters, I'd suggest trying to keep the BFF relationship the way it is -- Best ... Friends ... Forever.

    Now with your marriage, that's a whole different ball game. Part of the problem with marriages, in general, is that the person you fell in live with at the time of the union isn't the same person years down the line.

    As someone said in a response above, people change. Ideally, the two people in the marriage change together, and change in the same way. However, reality has other ideas, sometimes.

    This is why many marriages struggle, or even "fail." Change isn't always for the best, and when the cycles of change are on two different planes during the marriage, it is a very bad sign.

    Now, compromise is the best way to deal with this. The question you have to ask -- is the price of compromise so high that that it outweighs any benefit we could derive from it?

    It sounds like you have at least talked to your husband about this. That's a great first step.

    There certainly has to be some sort of middle ground that can make both of you somewhat happy. It sounds like you definitiely care for him and want to be with him.

    If you feel like you are putting yourself out there for him, it's only fair he return the favor. If you want more than his paycheck (and you say that you do), then that has to be the focus of your talks. He has to understand what you expect from him (and vice versa).

    Do what you can to salvage the marriage -- this is no where near that proverbial "point of no return." And while you are at it, keep your BFF at bay ... he should be nothing more than just a friend, and you have to be firm on that for the time being.


    reply to Parimal
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    The grass is always greener on the other side! Just because you bff seems to have a lot of fun, freaky and kinky sex, and love going out doesn't mean that he will make a good mate. Please be advised that you don't always have to go out with your husband. Being away from him gives you time to think and grow without him always in your shadow. Besides, most women would love for there husband to stay home instead of running the streets and getting into trouble. Maybe you two should find middle ground about going out. For instant once a month you guys go out together doing something you both enjoy and agreed upon. Maybe the real problem is that he don't like hanging around your friends. And for the thought about cheating... don't do it because it just create more problems.

    reply to Amber
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    As a home body myself I feel for your husband, but I understand where you're coming from. For me, I think it's best if you do decide to be with your BFF that you tell your husband, but I don't know. Marriage is a strange creature. I'm reminded of two things. One, I recently saw Bridges of Madison County and at first I thought, "Meryl your accent is stupid, knock it off," but after watching for a bit I thought, "Okay, I'm sorry Meryl, I jumped to a false conclusion. You're doing a magnificent job, and you deserve Clint, but if you have it to do over again try and hold out for Robert Redford." Then the movie kept going on and her husband came home and the poor guy would have never had a chance if she had left him. So, I'm not exactly sure what that means, I guess I mean that I'm afraid of what would happen to your husband if you left him. I'm afraid it might be hopeless for him. Moving on, my second thought, once I was working at a job and the supervisor had a journal they would write in during their free time and one day they left it out in the open flipped open so I caught a glance and kept reading, and she talked about this guy coming to her in the night and pulling off her socks with his teeth and then holding them in his mouth until they were soaking wet while she struggled with the decision of whether or not to commit adultery. I stopped reading there because I didn't want to know her decision and I was confused at how long it would take for a sock to get soaking wet if placed in a person's mouth. Lastly, I just want to say there's probably no right path. If you decide to be with your BFF I ask that you do not feel ashamed or guilty. I'm thinking of Bridges of Madison County again and how gossipy people can be. Don't feel like an outcast. I really don't think there's a right answer.

    reply to mark
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    Have you thought about marriage counseling? You two sound like you need some communication and you need someone to moderate it and get you guys really listening to one another. You married your husband for a reason so there must be something there, right? You two have to compromise, give a little to one another. Like one weekend, you two go out your style and the following weekend you do something he wants. But really try to enjoy each otherís activities. As for your BFF, thatís just trouble! Youíll just end up in a horrible situation b/c a) Youíd be cheating on your husband b) he wants to be with you and several other people at once and youíre not down with that; and c) something always looks so much better when we donít have it but once we get it, itís not so great after all b/c just like everything else, itís flawed.

    reply to Alisha
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    Hmmm....well, sounds like quite the predicament. Maybe this 7 year itch is just a sign that you guys need to mix it up a little. Maybe you can try a little harder to excite your hubby in new ways. We all get bored with the same lover, but maybe some crotchless panties and a little gitty teenage TLC can bring back that juvenile spark you felt (hopefully) in the beginning...
    If he's just straight up boring and doesn;t even like crotchless panties ;), well then maybe you could let him know that he needs to work with you a little. Have him set up the double dates or get togethers with friends that he approves of and has something in common with. And maybe those people are bland as hell- so make sure you have lots of liquor and a friend there to keep you from going crazy. Compromise, the shitty part of marriage sometimes.
    As for the other issue, the BFF who is in love with you makes your life a whole lot more complicated. Only you can decide which man you love and want to be with. You have to be true to yourself and fair to those men, your hubby and BFF, by deciding who (pardon the cheesiness) has the "key to your heart." Good luck with that...easier said than done.

    reply to Jamie
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    Been there done that. my best friend is male. He and I enjoy time together, going out dancing and rent movies the whole nine yards. He even spends the weekends on occasion with me and hubby. He is married for 6 yrs now. He and his wife fight constantly so I try and play counselor. He ha even sat on my porch and cried cuz I wont sleep with him or leave my hubby. So i have to be strong and tell him NO . I love my hubby and have fun with him cuz hubby dont want to do same thing as me which aint much but still it is something. I would say first off find it in your heart of hearts who you love the most. Who are you most loyal to? If you find it to be your hubby then you need to stay with him and work it out. it is hard im not going to lie. But I know for me ive been with my hubby 20 yrs and even though I have a male friend who I love to hang with, my heart still belongs to hubby

    reply to Deb
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    I hope that you will try to make your marriage work.

    Talk to your Husband. Everything can be solved with communication. You will either decide together to make it work, and find solutions or you will decide together that it is time to part ways, and you will find a way together to do that with respect and love.

    reply to Blondie
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    I agree that BFF should remain in the BFF category. I also think he and his lady enjoy the drama in their lives. From what I have read in your initial post, it would be far too much for you under the best of circumstances.

    Now....to your marriage. I left mine two years ago because my ex and I no longer could communicate. I don't think this is the case with you and your husband. I do think you need more "action" and you also need time to go out....and experience life.

    The real danger to your marriage isn't BFF, but someone else who could offer the things you are looking for minus the kinkiness. So if you can, I would try to patch things up with your husband.

    Counselling is a route that might be worthwhile. Make sure you find someone who is helpful to both of you.

    Other thoughts.....
    - You both have dreams. Is there something you can do together? I am thinking of things like roadtrips to new places or a cruise to an exciting spot.
    - Your husband may or may not want to spend time outside the house. You need to make sure you get the outside time you need.
    - Local activities you can do together.
    - Can you invite people over?
    - And is there a physical reason he is slowing down?

    What have YOU done to make him feel special and adored recently? Not just as a good provider, but as a great guy and person? A steamy text can work wonders for perking things up BTW.

    Perhaps the answer is goals of your own. Is there something you always wanted to do??? If so, go for it. You don't necessarily need your husband to partake, but having a cheering section of one would be fab.

    Personally, I would love that about now.

    reply to Claire
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    Tread lightly young Vixen, you are swimming in uncharted, shark infested waters. It sounds like you have a respect for your husband, he's a provider which on some levels may do something primal for you sexually, but in the long run what sustains a life long relationship is companionship. You don't have kids so now seems like the time to think on this. Putting the porn sex aside for a moment, and before it's too late to turn back think on how important your husband is to you.
    You have just found out this friend for years is in love with you, what could make you feel more desirable? Yet you say he will probably return to this prior love. It sounds like you're torn between stability and excitement. If I were you I would try a last ditch effort to see if your hubby is game for some excitement, roll play, maybe some weird fantasy he doesn't even know he wants. If he doesn't play ball I wouldn't jump into the circular waterbed with your friend , just yet. It is possible you are more of a free spirit than the man you married. Perhaps you require more from life and though bacon is salty and delish a full meal is awaiting you be it with your husband or without him.

    reply to Casey
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    Wow, you do have a doozie on your hands don't you?! Well, don't fret, it actually is not so uncommon, well, aside from the whole "group sex" thing.

    First of all, does your "BFF" know that you are not so hunky-dory with the whole 'porn with the neighbors' scenario? Because this is a man who may love what he knows and love what he has imagined about you that may not be accurate. He may have you outside your comfort zone in his mind and think that you are completely willing and able for any situation.....
    If this is the case you may end up the less, um, "social" one and he may end up the one that's bored.
    Turn the tables on yourself friend, imagine your "BFF" in the worst light you can feasibly put him in in your mind, then remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love with your husband and the things you still love about him. Imagine him in the best light you could possibly cast on him. Now compare the two. Do some serious soul searching before you make a decision or cross a line because it feels very bad to regret leaving something after its already done.

    reply to Lynne
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    Every relationship has it's ups and downs, and it is totally normal to go through an itch. But when we have an itch it's important to find a healthy way to "scratch" it. Turning impulsively to another man, who appears to be indecisive about women, may not be the best option. However, taking a "just girls" trip could be a great way to clear your head and form your thoughts. I'm a huge fan of couple's counseling; it's a healthy environment for you to both communicate your feelings and to find strategies to work through your frustrations. Don't do anything rash, in time you and your hubby will weather the storm and come out closer in the end. If you do a lot of thinking and divorce does seem to be the best option, it will then be a decision that you can make decisively for yourself, and not for the whims of another man.

    reply to Lindsay
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    This is a war between your teen-twenty-something self and your thirty-forty-something self. Doesn't matter what your real age is. It's still the same. When we are young, our drive for passion, our passion for passion rules all. About that time in our lives, we do the unthinkable to satisfy--or maybe even just to scratch--that itch. When we grow wiser, we enjoy our comforts and the fruits of our efforts that we have worked so hard for. And our decisions line up along fortifying and taking care of what we have. The young you is going, "Ew, sexy, exciting BFF is who I really have fun with. I think about him all the time. I want that thrill in my life." The older you is going, "Hubby is safe. Hubby is nice. We're doing okay."

    But if you really listen to that deep intuition of yours, you'll know the answer. Yes, you know it's true. You leave hubby, you fly into BFF's arms. You have an outrageously great timeófor a while. Three months, six months max. He has an insatiable drive. Heís into something way scarier than you are or than you are willing to go. Soon, BFF will be into his next flava and that will likely not be you. How long does someone who is obsessed with porn stick with one partner anyway? Serial monogamy does not come with the territory.

    Back to monogamy. You are not getting what your want from your older hubby in terms of excitement or social life. In other ways, he does satisfy you, though. And he's a good man, as you said. Now, where does it say in the marital contract that a spouse has to satisfy every yearning you have? Best friend, sexual powerhouse, shrink, partner in crime, business associate, muse, nurse? All of this is asking too much of one person. Maybe your female best friend carries some of that load and family members carry some more of it. Maybe you have a circle of close girlfriends or a career that is satisfying with great coworkers. We get pieces of what we need from different people and different groups and it is completely unfair to expect one human to provide everything, as you can in no way provide everything for your hubby either. (Donít believe me? Just ask him. Isnít there something else he yearns for too?)

    Yes, this is a seven-year itch and you are testing the strength of your commitment to your relatively new marriage (which is normal, BTW, I went through something like it at eight years). Now, imagine your future life with BFF. Sound scary? You betcha. Then cut hubby a little slack and work on cultivating friendships and group relations that do provide you with what you are missingówithout throwing away the coziness you have built. Now coziness may not be everything, but it is something good, something to be grateful for in a crazy world. And, as Marilyn sang in Diamonds Are a Girlís Best Friend, ďMen grow cold as girls grow old/ And we all lose our charms in the end.Ē Whoís going to love us when we lose our charms?

    reply to Tumerica
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    You have some very good advice happening here. I am just going to add my little piece here.

    When you married your man, you made an agreement to stay together pretty much through thick and thin. That could mean your thick waist and his thin hair. Right now, it means him stepping out of the social scene and you still wanting to "kick it."

    Well, I am sure that besides the age difference, you do realize that people grow and change and that doesn't necessarily mean for the worst. Take inventory of the big picture. You don't have children right now, but someday you may want to. Would you prefer to have the man who refuses to grow up while you stay at home trying to manage the children, or a man who realizes that home is where the heart is at?

    Count your blessings young lady. I am not sure how old you are, but I am willing to bet that there are some things that you feel you need to experience because 'all your friends are doing it'. Well, let me just tell you, that is not the way to go. Reality tv life is not the real world.

    Now, the bff with the explicit sexual habits, erratic relationship, and confessions of lust, obviously does not respect your marriage at all. You will have to accept responsibility for that because you have not set the boundaries as far as what you discuss with others concerning your marriage. Whether you are religious or not, girl, your marriage is sacred! This thing with the best boyfriend is just a Jerry Springer show episode waiting to happen. Set the boundaries. Your marriage and your yoni is off limits.

    Let's talk about your man. Cook him some dinner (include foods with aphrodisiac proporties), maybe a little wine or his drink of choice, a little inscense. Wear a new little something something that you find at Victoria Secrets... shhh. Get some playing cards and play strip poker. Massage his feet with some aromatherapy oils and tell him you love him and that you appreciate the relationship. Next week, offer to make a special dessert while he chooses a great movie On Demand. Continue to find ways that you both can enjoy eachother at home and out one on one. Get creative. Your man is your best friend! Create the magic!

    Okay, I've said my piece,
    Now Peace,
    Good love to you,
    Isoke

    reply to Isoke
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    Take a cue from the state of your best friendís current relationship and pull yourself back down to earth. You are married to a good person and he is in a relationship with a sad person. ďIt seems that no matter what happens, they end up back together.Ē Do you honestly believe that with you he will be miraculously different? Will you be miraculously different? You could become bored with him as well. Youíve already mentioned the aspects of his sexual appetite that you donít like. It is one thing to hear a friend tell you about their group sex experiences, especially when you have a crush on them and hearing about them in sexual situations turns you on. But it is a whole other emotional animal for you to, one day; participate in something that isnít truly your desire. If you think that he will stop this lifestyle when he is with you; I am here to tell you, sure, maybe for a year, but what makes a person horny is not something that changes easily. It would be a shame for you to leave your husband for this exciting romance just to see him get back together with the on and off again lady. She already knows what she is dealing with and has made the choice to live with it. It is situations such as these that create romance novels, a.k.a porn for the female mind. But what happens in reality? For a man watching porn, once heís cum he switches the movie off and forgets about it, when the novel is finished a woman rolls over, switches off the lamp and lays with her husband, and when your friend has conquered, even you, the excitement wears off and heíll carry on. It is of course a strong possibility that for you the excitement of realizing your fantasies would wear off and youíd be once again bored, but single.

    I am not one of those women who believes it is better to be with just anybody than to be single. If you absolutely do not love your husband anymore then by all means pack your bags right now. But you mention that your husband is a good man, that your life is stable and secure. You also mention that for the past few years heís been boring and hates people. Perhaps he senses your emotional abandonment (women arenít the only ones with instincts), perhaps he is just getting older and wants to relax or perhaps your husband is bored with you too. You both deserve to give it a shot in a few sessions of couples counselling to be honest with one another. It is not enough to speak about it on your own terms because after many years together it is easy to phrase things in ways that already irritate your partner and close communication. Stay, try and work it out and if you still feel the same way with all out in the open, leave.

    reply to Sonia
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    Dearest Wifey,

    Life is short, drop those plain white cotton panties and let your B/F get all up in that. If he doesn't "measure up" shall we say, then tell him you're feeling guilty and you have to stop. If he's got the goods then ride that pony till you've satisfied your craving for strange. After that play it by ear. Check out the competition or if you've had enough, maybe keep him on speed dial for those extra lonely days. Either way, nobody says they wish they'd gotten less nookie while they're in the ICU waiting for a kidney transplant. You feel me?

    reply to G.
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    You're "BFF" sounds like a real piece of work--into orgies and falling in love with a married woman? First of all that is the person you need to ditch rather than your husband. You don't need that kind of STD-filled man anywhere near you.

    I feel you on getting bored in your marriage. It's so easy to get complacent in a long relationship. But this is what I do when my partner suddenly becomes a stay-at-home lover.

    Get dolled up to the nines. Full makeup, sexy dress, perfume. Tell your honey that you're bored and going out with the girls. And of course while you're out you can flirt harmlessly and enjoy all kinds of attention. Buzzed on a few cocktails and a boosted ego, go home and wake your hubby like he was a booty call. It will make a nice surprise for him and spice things up for you. You can casually mention the men who hit on you, etc later...and then the man in him will not be wanting his sexy woman out without him at her side!

    The truth is the couple that plays together, stays together. And marriage is too serious to toss away for boredom.

    reply to Minnie
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    Okay. First and foremost, who do you love?

    Itís a simple question with Ė it would seem in this case Ė a number of complex answers.

    If you love your husband, be he the ďIím a PCĒ guy or James Bond, then you love your husband. Thereís something to be said for stability and fidelity.

    Having said that, if you donít love your husband you may want to rethink things Ė and not necessarily with your friend. You shouldnít just walk away from your marriage because someone is conveniently carrying a torch for you. (That torch doesnít necessarily translate to warmth in a relationship.) But if youíre unhappy, you should make a change no matter what.

    Your friendís love for less traditional, hokey-pokey is another issue. If he can only get off by getting it on in groups or in front of a camera, thatís gonna get mighty stale, mighty quick. Youíre really going to have to love the guy to stay in that situation. If you decide you want to make the leap, you should probably have the talk first.

    But no matter what you decide, you should not, under any circumstances, cheat. You have to be upfront and communicative. Itís not easy, but cheating will just make things worse.

    As far as giving you a direct ďstayĒ or ďgoĒ answer goes, no can do. Unfortunately, in the end, that can only come from you.


    reply to Terrence
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    Alright Girlfriend,
    Whatever you do, don't do anything, at least for a little while. That may sound impossible, but it's the best advice I can give you considering the conflicted state in which you're currently residing. Take it from a girl who's been through a painful divorce and has helped several other girlfriends wade through the same murky waters--divorce is more painful than a Brazilian bikini wax, but without the obvious benefits. Although it might seem like the only option you have right now I would urge you to take a deep breath, distance yourself from your sex-crazed bff (honestly, I'm sure he must be charming and wonderful, but I'm picturing Quagmire from Family Guy), and take some time to think about what you want--not just tomorrow, but twenty years from now. The only reasonable cause for getting a divorce, and the only way to survive one with your soul intact, is to do it for the right reasons... meaning: he's not the one for you and you'd rather spend the rest of your life alone or internet dating than with him. I recently watched one of my best girlfriends leave her caring, loving, sit-at-home-and-watch-movies husband for rock-star-in-bed guy and now she is teetering on the edge of unshakable regret, waiting for self-loathing to come kick her over. Please don't let this happen to you! While the sex may be tempting, it will only satiate you temporarily. Fix what's really wrong by finding other outlets for your creativity. Then, if you're still sure you have to leave, you'll be better prepared to handle the emotional (excuse the word) shit-storm that is divorce. In the meantime, treat yourself to a brand new self-stimulator, and be good to yourself!

    reply to Natalie
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    Before throwing in the towel, try some fun-time interventions. Try a little role-play or just simply create the perfect atmosphere for a night a full-on-full-romp. Girl, bring everything you've got to get his juices flowing. Open him up to sexual interludes that are new to both of you.

    If he doesn't respond, then you need to consider counseling. You've got to take care of you. That includes your sexual appetite. Most of all, you need to communicate with him. You need to tell him what you want. He can't read your mind. Don't assume that he should know. Many women fail to tell their partner what turns them on. Don't be embarassed to discuss your wants and desires. It's who you are.

    reply to Tracey
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    FFirst of all, you need to decide if you really want to be married. If you do, you've got to be prepared to do the work it takes to have a great marriage. You've got to sit down with your husband and let him know exactly what you need from him -- both socially and sexually. If you're in a position to afford counseling, please take advantage of it. That way, the two of you can have a focused, moderated discussion that doesn't include yelling.

    If you decide to walk away from your marriage, do it quickly with class and style. It's not necessary to tell your husband that you found someone else. That's extremely hurtful, and it doesn't do anyone in the situation any good.

    Speaking of the BFF, I think he's just a symptom of the greater problem. He may be exciting and fun, but you've got to think about him and his personality as a whole. Are you prepared to give up your life as you know it to be with Mr. New Booty? Do you think you'll be able to make a comfortable life with him? You already said he's into some things that you're not. Can you deal with it all the time? After all, everything looks good when you have the option to walk away.

    Whatever you do, remember that there was a time in the not-so-distant past when you loved your husband. Don't throw it all away over something that can possibly be solved.

    reply to MackDiva
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    First of all, you need to decide if you really want to be married. If you do, you've got to be prepared to do the work it takes to have a great marriage. You've got to sit down with your husband and let him know exactly what you need from him -- both socially and sexually. If you're in a position to afford counseling, please take advantage of it. That way, the two of you can have a focused, moderated discussion that doesn't include yelling.

    If you decide to walk away from your marriage, do it quickly with class and style. It's not necessary to tell your husband that you found someone else. That's extremely hurtful, and it doesn't do anyone in the situation any good.

    Speaking of the BFF, I think he's just a symptom of the greater problem. He may be exciting and fun, but you've got to think about him and his personality as a whole. Are you prepared to give up your life as you know it to be with Mr. New Booty? Do you think you'll be able to make a comfortable life with him? You already said he's into some things that you're not. Can you deal with it all the time? After all, everything looks good when you have the option to walk away.

    reply to MackDiva
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    Okay married one, it sounds to me as if you are already quite clear on what you WANT to do and you and you're guilty conscious are lookin' for someone to agree, take your side and give you some sort of go ahead to cheat or leave.

    I'm not a fan of divorce but I'm even less of one when it comes to cheating which I consider the cowards way to deal with sh*t. You've stressed that you're unhappy and that the only good things are the material things and simply having someone to go home to when the social buzz wears off after a party and there's no one left to hang with. THAT DOES NOT A GOOD MARRIAGE MAKE! (poor grammar on purpose)

    No one should ever stay in a situation that makes them unhappy or feel stifled. On the same token, no one deserves to be cheated on either, especially someone whose only fault is that he has outgrown partying and prefers a good book to happy hour!

    If you're not happy, then leave.

    reply to Adrie
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    My dear Vixens...thank you all soooo much for the advice. I've got lots and lots to think about. And I definitely see some counseling in my near future, whether it's couples counseling or just by myself. Thanks again...much love to you all. xoxo

    reply to anonymous
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    You have already made up your mind. You are going to start seeing the old flame until you get caught. After all of the proverbial "gunk" hits the fan, the chips will fall and you will probably no longer have a choice to make. It will already have been made for you. The result may or may not be to your liking.

    reply to David
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    Girl please! Stop making excuses for being unhappy. No one is responsible for that but you. Marriage is permanent, dating is not. Whether he is older or not has nothing to do with it, I am 26 and date men over 40 all the time who have more energy than I do. It sounds like you are not happy with yourself and it is soooo much easier to blame it on the hubby and his lack of silliness. Your bff is a mess and should remain just that. If your husband is not cheating or beating your behind like an unruly child then you should go get help, by yourself. Don't drag your man down with you. It is so much easier to look out the window and point then it is to look in the mirror. And I understand the need for excitement but it just sounds like you're a freak and if thats the case, take a pole dancing class, install one in your bedroom and I guarantee your man will seem like a much more exciting person. At this point, I am also hoping that you have tried all your options when it comes to having more fun in and out of the home and that you keep yourself looking and feeling like something. The worst part is if you are walking around the house nagging at him (and it sounds like he works hard ) yet he is still bringing home the bacon. Appreciate what you have because it sounds like having sex with your bff would not only ruin your marriage but possibly your health. Just think of how you would feel if he was contemplating having sex with his "bff" and found you not up to par.

    reply to Star
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    Your question puts me in a "grass is always greener" state of mind. Keep in mind that milions of women out there are looking for exactly what you have; what you're thinking of giving up. I'm not married, and probably won't be for a long time, but I suspect that when I am married, there is going to be temptation along the way, and that's just part of the "for better, for worse" clause of the vows.

    I think you know what the right decision is, but you're just trying to get enough opinions to make you feel alright about leaving your husband. No one can make this decision for you, but you.

    Besides, does your idea of romance really include a group of strangers? Seriously...



    reply to Sara
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    Hi! Iím Valencia. :--) Well, the script has already been written on this one, should I send you a copy, LOL?! BFF of 15 years is toxic. Lose his number and donít become the next on again, off again relationship for him. Have you thought about thisÖmaybe your stability makes you so attractive to him? Youíve got a good husband, a good home, good job, good life, youíre just bored. If you love your husband and your current life, find a good nonsexual meetup group in your area with new people who share your interests, and hang out with them.

    There is nothing wrong with you. You are human, and you have needs. Boredom is something that you can easily cure, and once you start having more fun with all of your new friends, maybe your husband will join you. The last thing you want to do as you work through this time in your life, which I guarantee is temporary, is hurt the man you truly love. And the desire for sexual thrills? OMG, if you are in your 30s, girl thatís not gonna change...and you have the seven-year itch, too!! Oh boy. Please, please, jump on your husband when you get home tonight and create new experiences, try new things with him, donít give up!!

    Run from BFF, RUN!!!! :--)

    reply to Valencia
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    Ah the old itch is striking!
    Maybe hubby finds YOU boring! Ever think of that?
    From my own sad expercience, let me tell you, affairs, while fun an a masochistic way, never really work. the men have all the fun, and we get all the pain and excuses.
    Group sex is NASTY,, and only freaks would consider it in this day and age, Sounds to me like you are being used as your "BFF'S" f- buddy, or handtowel, not a loved and respected partner. In fact, he sounds like your average revolting degenerate to me.
    This is terribly unfair to your husband, boring or not, and I think you really should knock it off.
    If you are looking for validation, you won't get it from me.
    Divorce him and lead your own life of fun and excitement, or clean it up and stay in your marriage.
    Why not try to shake him up a little? You don't say how old you are, but 12 years can be a lot if you are in you fifties. His testosterone could be low or there could be other problems. Maybe HE has another woman! When men lose interest in sex, something is not going right. And one woman's bore is another woman's sex puppy!
    Cake and eat it too is not an option here.
    You must take stock of the plusses and minuses, think of your REAL feelings, and act accordingly, and yes, old fashioned though it may be, HONORABLY.


    reply to Boots
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    Dear Itchy Married Woman-
    Your BFF Is not a BFF. He knows your marital issues and is offering you to try group sex? He is a male friend trying to get take advantage of your situtation. Itchy, leaving a marriage is a VERY BIG decision. He is older than you, so yes, he may more mellow. I think you need to find things the two you can do together, whether it is going to a play, going rollerblading, going away for the weekend away to the country. It sounds as your social life is more important than your marriage, when it should be the other way around. Remember, in-laws, friends, kids, grandparents, pets, elections, social engagemants are
    not suppose to be a higher priority than your spouse. You have to put your focus on your marriage, even it means dragging him to a therapist. Your needs are important too.
    However, my guess is once you refocus your telescope on your hubby, he will be more responsive to your needs as well.
    Dress up in a pair of garters, make him a sexy dinner, and see what happens. Don't throw away a good man over boredom and some sexual esacpade.

    reply to Kar
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    Honey, you KNOW the answer here.
    Group sex is so foul, how can you even entertain the thought of strangers invading your little girlfriend? And believe me..they don't stop there.
    This "BFF" sounds like a predator to me. He knows your secrets and he is preying on your boredom and vulnerablity.
    You would be better off with a glass of wine, some candles a "rabbit" and a dirty book.
    Get out of this now. If you're really going brain dead with "sominex man", get out while you are young and attractive and make a new life.
    Better for him, better for you.
    Afffairs, and I know this personally, hurt people, sometimes the one having the affair is hurt the worst.
    But first, BFF must go!! To the curb with him immediately!

    reply to Boots
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    You have known this guy for twice as long as you have been married and he wants to get together now when you are not available? Yeah, he will go out and have fun (something your husband doesn't enjoy) but the timing sucks (and you might think that the wild, group sex sucks too). Maybe your husband would have more fun socializing with different (this might mean new) friends?

    reply to Michael
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    This sounds like two problems, and I think you need to separate your feelings about each before you do anything drastic. 1: How do you really feel about your husband? Do you want to make it work or do you want out? 2: How do you feel about your bff? I can help with the second one... his offer seems tantalizing because you're bored with your husband, but at the end of the day, this guy isn't going to make you happy. You clearly won't be able to satisfy his sexual appetites, and if you aren't into group sex, believe me, there are plenty of women out there who are. And if he's just going to end up back together with his GF, sooner or later he'll leave you anyway. If you step out on your husband for him, you'll end up with nothing. If you have fun going out with your friends, and your husband doesn't mind, what's the problem? If there are deper-seated issues between you then that's the real problem. If you're bored in your marriage you need to address it... and he needs to be made more aware. No cheating! It will only end up hurting you!

    reply to dicia
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    Stop it. This bff is trouble. If he wee really your friend he would respect you and your marriage and never tell you these feeling. You are focusing too much energy on him that should be focused on your husband and yourself. That being said human beings suck. We always want what we can't have. It's OK. Accept that part of you not as a flaw but as a natural part of the human soul. It's OK to think about what could be or could have been but t is not OK to act on it. Stop this nonsense with your bff figure out have to have good time at home and do the right thing. Wine may help.

    reply to Tracy
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    To the itchee:

    The red flag here is "he thinks I'm nuts." If you are voicing concerns that are important to you and your spouse is not willing to hear them, seems you might have some serious decision-making to do. And this decision-making has nothing to do with this so-called "BFF" (does this mean "best friend forever?" Sorry, as a person who writes for a living, I find myself nauseated by these abbreviations -- I mean, how long does it take to type "closest friend" or "most beloved compadre" or "kinky but devoted sidekick"?).

    As a married person (almost 10 years), I know it gets boring. But unlike many of the other Vixens' responses, I do not think that your getting dolled up in garters, pretending he's a booty call, or cheating with this other guy and coming home covered in orgy oil and other people's body fluids are the answer. Instead, you need to consider whether you really want to be married, and whether you really want to be married to your husband. Know that you cannot expect your husband to change to suit your needs, and consider whether he is even willing to respectfully hear what your needs are. That's the kicker: a husband and wife do not have to fulfill all of one another's needs (for excitement or anything else), but they do need to be able to hear and respect one another's needs -- even if they say, kindly and lovingly, "Sorry, I can't fill that need for you."

    If you want to be in your marriage, you need to commit to doing what is necessary to make it work, and that will likely require therapy. If you don't, well, that's fine too, especially since you two have not reproduced in your seven years together. Have that conversation. Let him know that if he isn't willing to commit wholeheartedly to crafting a happy union with you in a way that both of you can live with, you are considering divorce.

    The other guy represents an exciting "other" that you can compare to your boring reality, but know that this is a fantasy - only a sliver of what it would be like if you actually went over to the BFF Dark Side. And he's not being much of a friend with this dangerous wife-stealing, cheating-on-his-on-and-off girlfriend agenda of his. If you're put off by his sexuality, imagine dealing with it EVERY...SINGLE...DAY...OF...YOUR...LIFE...

    Behaving like a grown-up entails giving serious consideration and work to your marriage, first; then, if the choice is made to leave it, you should probably give yourself six months on your own before jumping into any mosh pit with the guy friend. If, at that point, you're still crazy about him, have at it -- just hope you don't catch anything nasty.

    MLB

    reply to Melissa Lynn
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    Hi Love!

    Statistically most relationships that begin in infidelity don't work... so I wouldn't recommend jumping ship unless you're really sure!

    Is there no way to rev up the excitement with your husband? It sounds to me like you're attracted to the newness and difference that your BFF can offer you - but nothing stays new forever.

    How about a trip to the naughty store with your husband - pick out a little halloween outfit for your party at home?

    Or perhaps you could go on vacation somewhere completely new and tropical?

    It sounds like your hubby dear is a little below par - maybe he realizes you're bored with him and that is making him just more boring.

    I'd say - make sure you've given your marriage everything you've got and only jump ship if its beyond repair - and even then don't jump purely to be sailing someone else's ship because that too may sink.

    xxx

    reply to Celia
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    A
    Hon,

    There are many issues going in here. First of all, this kinky BFF of yours sounds... uh... interesting. Before you go leaving your husband for him, I think you should consider what life would be like with this BFF. Does this BFF really love you or just lust after you? How secure would you be if you were in a relationship with him? Could you handle group sex... over and over... with different people... forever?

    Secondly, of course your relationship with your husband has changed. I bet it was a romantic extravaganza at first and then... well, life happened. Popular culture glorifies budding romances but teaches us nothing about the way love changes in marriages. Your husband might not understand your needs. He sounds like a good man who can use a few pointers. And what's all this about going out with friends when you do go out? Maybe you should consider romantic getaways together. A trip to the local kink shop couldn't hurt. At the end of the day, who would you rather spend the rest of your life with: a good husband or a kinky BFF?

    reply to A
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    You've got two issues here: 1) How to deal with your Marriage and 2) How to deal with your hot, kinky bff who just oh so conveniently announced the L word.

    For issue number one, I say, try counseling first. He may not know exactly what you want or need because he needs help seeing your side - and you might need help seeing his. My hubby and I are May/December too
    (8 years apart) and we love being together, but sometimes our age difference does cause minor conflict. I.E. - I don't hit a dance club with him, but with my girls instead. And when I come home, I am so "hot and bothered" that we have our own version of Usher's "Love In the Club."

    And no matter WHAT the age difference in a relationship, don't fall into the trap that your partner will be the end-all of your social needs. That is a a LOT of unnecessary pressure on a person!

    He might also be loosing his fizzle because he no longer feels that he is enough for you. Let's face it ladies, men have way delicate egos. If his self-esteem deflates, so does everything else. Try special date nights and things that are new to both of you, so you can bond over new things. Too, the spark may not be there because of the pressure you are putting on him to work up to an ideal that is a fantasy. I am not saying you should settle, because every relationship needs spark, but don't haul out just because the grass seems greener somewhere else. Which leads me to...

    Hottie BFF.

    Tigers never loose their spots...or something like that. You have been friends for him for 15 years and he never really left his girl-friend. Just because you leave your husband and invest completely into bff, doesn't mean he'll do the same for you.

    Nope, neither issue has anything to with the other. If you do decide to go single, live the single life and revel in it. But try your marriage a little more. Who knows what some quality time, new adventures, and some therapy can do for you?!

    reply to corina
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    You didn't mention whether you love your husband or not - do you? If not now, did you when you first married? You also say you are crazy about the bff but don't say you love him either. Think about who your real feelings are with, not that love solves everything but I think it is a good place to start.

    If you love your husband and think the spark can be re-lit, by all means hang in there and try some new stuff. Men like to feel needed and wanted. We are usually all about us and forget that they need us too. Try to show a real interest in something important to him or do something you know he really likes. It doesn't take much for men who love you to appreciate you so little gestures might mean a great deal. If he sees that you are willing to put yourself out for him, I bet he'll be willing to do that for you too. Men often feel like they work hard to take care of us and we don't even appreciate it. At times I have had to admit to myself that this is true.

    After being married for 15 years to an awesome guy I have learned that the secret is for both people to be willing to give 100%, but only if the relationship is worth it. I am amazed at how much he is willing to do to make me happy and noticing that helps me want to give it back.

    As far as the other guy, boredom is a dangerous thing. It sucks, actually but it shouldn't be used as an excuse to avoid dealing with stuff we need to. A relationship or group sex event would eventually end your marriage. Is this what you want? Maybe it is but you owe it to yourself and your husband not to go about it in that way. From what you said, I don't see group sex making you happy and happiness is what is is ultimately all about. Sometimes it takes work and most of us can be lazy. Think about what you really want and go for it - all the way.

    reply to Katie
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    Do everything you want to do to BFF to your husband.

    reply to Bella
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    Are you using your BFF as an excuse to exit your marriage? Whether you should leave your hubby and whether you should hook up with kinky sex man are two different questions and should be treated as such.

    First, do you really want to give up on your marriage? 7 years is a long time. Maybe you can figure out how to get your husband to take your needs for social interaction and maybe even intimacy more seriously. Maybe you are trying to get away from each other and need to figure out ways to get closer. Perhaps the desire to go out and party would decrease if you two had more fun at home.

    Second, as far as the kinky BFF, run don't hide. This guy is a commitmophobe. He's in an "on and off" relationship for 5 years, is into group sex etc -- this guy cannot, I repeat cannot commit to a mature monogamous relationship.

    Finally, never jump right from one bad situation to another. Getting out of a marriage is tough stuff and you really shouldn't date anybody if you decide that's what you want. You need to take some time off and figure out what you really need in a relationship. You need time to heal and mourn. You need to suffer through the crazy making court system! About a year after your divorce is final, you might be ready to hit the dating scene, that's if you haven't decided it's more fun being by yourself.

    reply to Dianne
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    I get a sense that the security and lifestyle your marriage provides is important to you, but let me ask you this: Do you want to save your marriage? That is a question I think you really need to ask yourself. I'm not sure if you're thinking of leaving your husband for your BFF or if you are simply thinking of cheating on him. Either way, your relationship with your husband is in serious trouble, and you need to decide whether or not it is something you are interested in salvaging.

    reply to Karen
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    Your situation is old as time. There will be a fierce dichotomy in my advice; both radical neither revolutionary.

    1. Get a divorce. This is America right? There is little to no sigma anymore with divorce if accomplished thoughtfully and mutually. Toss the dice and hope you and you're BFF can build a solid, loving relationship. All guys want porn sex. Don't do anything you don't want to. Communication about sex and sexuality is paramount. But, above all else, if you pursue this more exciting way of life, DO NOT MARRY your BFF. Group sex will always mess it up. Go have the fun you want - carefully.

    2. You have security and comfort; a good thing nowadays. Your husband sounds like a good man. You have too much time on your hands. Reel yourself in with the notion of having children and starting a family with you husband. Parenting will force a connection between you and you husband. I understand this advice sounds like the outrageously crass use of a child, but this notion is not new and has been utilized by humanity throughout it's existence. Do you want a family?

    But after reading your question again I have the feeling your mind is already made up. Whatever you do...do it classy and with tact. You're dealing with some real heavy issues. Be mindful of the involved parties and play the lotto.

    reply to J.
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    I don't think that running to ol' porn star BFF and getting involved in a lifestyle you don't hearken to is a hot idea.

    So, what you have here are two different personalities. Hubby's a bit of an introvert. Is there ANYTHING he likes doing with you? Playing Scrabble? Watching movies? Or has he eschewed anything remotely fun? If so, he might have some kind of depressive order that needs to be addressed.
    See where you guys CAN meet to meet some of your needs. And remember-- it sounds like you know this-- your hubby can't and shouldn't meet all your needs.

    But if you're asking for his help, he should definitely have his listening ears on and make some sort of small effort to please you, as should you. Perhaps if you couch it that way-- as asking for help-- he'll go into his "fixer" mode (men like to fix) and actually listen, rather than hearing it as a nagging plea.

    The other aspect I see is: Are you happy and fulfilled in your life? You have a good job-- is it doing what you love to do? Or do you have some kind of hole in your life you're trying to fill? Search within as well as outside yourself, 'cause your question is short and your situation is huge.

    Having kids isn't the answer. Believe me, things become more difficult when there are kids involved (and I have three). All marriages have ups and downs, so getting a new partner won't necessarily make things better long-term.

    reply to Margaret
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    Let me just start off with the old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side". Don't be too quick to give up a marriage for hopes of thrills with another man. Your marriage life may be boring to you right now. But honey, all marriages go through a boring streak. That, you can work on. Marriages take work.

    Now for the exciting new boyfriend. The sex issues are a big problem. You are worried about your boring husband, but how happy do you think you are going to be with man that is sexually a child. Group sex and a porno sex lifestyle don't seem to appeal to you. He does not seem like a man that is going to change anytime soon. Does not sound like a winner to me.

    Now back to the boring husband. What strikes me is that you say he is a good husband. It does not seem that you find anything wrong with him, but the boring factor. It takes two to tango. Spice up your marriage. Make it exciting. But for it to work, you need to want it to work. You can't have a happy marriage if you don't try and you can't have a happy marriage if you date other men.

    Bottom line, you have some serious thinking to do.

    reply to Rose
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    I think you should take a moment and ask yourself "is you bff worth giving up your marrage for?" you claimed you have a good man so keep him. yes he may be boring but what you have to do is not cheat but talk to him. he may not know how boring he really is unless you tell him. make suggestions based on what he likes to do outside "remember you goal is to get him out of the house." remind him that a relationship is more then just making one party happy. if he loves you he'll comply. now back to your bff...do you really think he'll leave this other woman for you? remember there are tons of women that have been where you are and the endings weren't positive.

    you really have alot to think about. the day might come where you do have children and settle down so who do you want to come home to the boring good man or the orgy guy?

    Good Luck

    reply to sheron
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    Perhaps the 7-year itch is just the end of a relationship cycle, like the ďhoneymoonĒ stage. Use this opportunity to start a new, exciting phase of your marriage by getting reacquainted with your husband. Your marriage dilemma does not sound like a deal-breaker, while I canít say the same for your BFF. He has a definite deal breaking quality--GROUP SEX.

    reply to Rachel
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    You're chasing butterflies girlfriend! The BFF is the catapult, and your husband is the cocoon. All the advice in the world is not going to sway what you are already contemplating, have a quick little fling, and then get back home to hubby.

    We all get bored, and we all think about the other side of the fence, the grass is greener everytime. But if you look hard enough you're going to see the weeds, and they won't be the same variety that you have now, but they will still be weeds. But you will take that plunge across the fence, roll through the grass and feel the sweet taste of freedom until you roll right into a rock, and then you'll lay there looking back at the side of the fence you left and suddenly you'll want to be there again.

    Answers? Keep your eyes wide open, and take a good long look at what you want, not what BFF wants or hubby wants, but what you want. That's where the answers lay. Underneath boring is peace sometimes, and underneath excitement can be insanity. Your choice but choose wisely.

    reply to Sonya
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    It sounds to me like you still love your husband and enjoy the stability of marriage. I wouldn't jump into a relationship with your BFF just because you're having a little marital boredom cause there's absolutely no reason to think that being with your BFF would make you any happier. Especially if he starts to try and get you to do kinky stuff that you're not into. There are all sorts of problems that can happen when those type of issues enter a relationship, jealousy, resentment, you name it when it comes to crazy sexual relationships, especially when additional partners enter the equation.

    I'd suggest that you stay with your hubby and find ways to reconnect. Tell your husband that you want to make your relationship more exciting and spice it up and ask him what he thinks would be fun. Try and do some fun things at home where he's more comfortable, have friends to your house or a BBQ and invite his friends. Talk to your husband about what made you happy earlier in your marriage and try to rekindle those feelings and mimic some of the things that you did when you were first married.

    I'd keep your BFF as just your BFF and try making it work with your "Old man". It sounds to me like you still love him and if that's the case, it's worth sticking with him. Your BFF sounds like a Rollercoaster ride with way too many steep drops. I'd avoid that ride for sure.

    reply to Kim
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    Oh GIRL! The first thing you need to do is get the idea of hooking up with your BFF right out of your pretty little head! He's been your bud for a long time, and you've only been married for seven years. If something was meant to happen between you and your 'friend', it would have happened BEFORE you took your vows.

    Now please don't think I'm preaching to you. I would never do that. Especially considering I'm in a situation almost identical to yours! No, I'm not preaching. Just offering some food for thought, which I should probably consider chewing on myself.

    Your friend is in one of those unstable relationships. On again off again and God-knows-what in between. Obviously there's something more between him and his SO than we'd like to believe. Otherwise, they wouldn't always wind up back together. If he's into group sex, maybe you're the only female left he hasn't hit yet, so he's playing it up in order to 'get' you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but a man is a man is a MAN! Continue being friends, but don't take it any further. At least not as long as you're married.

    As for your husband, make it clear to him that you need more. Age plays more of a factor in relationships than we realize. Once the initial attraction wears off, what's left? What do you and hubby have in common? What can you talk about that won't bore you both to sleep? What does he want out of life, and what do YOU want out of life? My man is 17 years older than me, and he's perfectly content on working his crummy nine to five. I, on the other hand, want to start my own business, hang out with friends, and enjoy my dancing days before I end up confined to a wheelchair. We come from different worlds, and it sounds like you two do as well.

    Let him know you need more, and let him know that you're serious! Don't let him blow you off because he brings home the bacon and feels he's the powerful one in the marriage. Stand up for yourself and tell him that you need certain things (like socialization). Even dogs get to go to the park and play once in a while!

    Sit down with your man and have a serious discussion. Let him know that you'd like nothing more than for him to accompany you out on the town, but if he's not willing, you'll just go it alone. If he can't see by your demeanor and the tears in your eyes that you mean business, then maybe he isn't the right man for you after all. Don't make any rash decisions about ending your marriage. Just tell him how you feel, and make sure he knows you're serious. If he's not willing to compromise, then maybe it's time to give him his walking papers. Then and only then would it be safe for you to pursue something more than friendship with your BFF. But don't go into that with your heart on your sleeve. You know, just in case things don't work out.

    Good luck!

    reply to Holly
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    It could be possible you are drawn to your best friend because you feel the need to spice up your love life. Spice things up with your husband instead. Do some of the activities that brought you together seven years ago which will not only help you rediscover old passions but find new ones. Make him go out to dinner with you. Stay in and watch old movies with him. Take an interactive class together. And if you DO want to save your marriageólimit your time alone with your best friend.

    reply to Emily
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    Truer words have never been uttered. So you basically have a husband who by your account is a good man, provider, and person, who happens to be an introvert. You are bored with him because he is older and in a different point in his life. Fine.
    First things first, I find it difficult to believe that your BFF is in love with you. Before you scratch my eyes out, let me finish. I think he loves you, but any man not out of his gord would not let another man or woman sample at his love buffet. I think Mr. Best Freaky Friend is using his friendship with you and his knowledge of your boredom with the Mister to get you out of your miniskirt. He wouldn't be the first man to use those three little words to make the ladies' toes curl.

    Be upfront with your hubby. Tell him that you love him to death, but you want to par-tay. Say, I want to spend time with you, but I would like to get out too. If the old fuddy duddy doesn't bite, make a deal with him. Say, "Sugar Booger, I am thrilled to spoon with you and catch 'The Colbert Report,' but I need you to come out with me before for some dinner and drinks one night this week." If he still pooh-poohs your efforts tell him his anti-social psyche is causing a rift in your wedded bliss.

    reply to LadyMama
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    First of all, congratulations on being married for 7 years. In this day and age, that is a long time. That being said, no one ever said marriage was going to be easy.

    The fact that there is more than a decade between you and your husband doesn't make things any easier. As people get older, they tend to slow down on the social scene and prefer to stay home.

    Remember, he was out sowing his wild oats while you were still dissecting frogs in 7th grade bio.

    You said your main problem is that your husband wants to stay home all the time. Jumping into bed with your friend isn't going to make your husband want to be more social, so get that out of your mind right now.

    Deal with your marriage before you do anything you'll regret later.

    If you've been friends with the guy for 15 years and he's just now telling you he's in love with you, he's obviously slow. Those kind of feelings don't take that long to develop.

    You said he's in an off and on relationship. He's probably in 'off" mode right now and you're a diversion from reality. He'll either end up back with her, and you'll be left hurt and even more confused, or you'll be the next on and off woman in his life. Either way, it doesn't sound fun.

    If you're unhappy in your marriage, talk to your husband and see if you can work out a compromise.

    At the end of the day, if you are on different pages of the way you want to lead your lives, then it will be time to move on and find your own happiness.


    reply to Crissy
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    Iím sure your male friend is looking like a big ole juicy steak after youíve been on a deserted island eating coconuts for seven years. But letís not do something you may regret later. If your friend really cares about you he will give you the time to figure out your marriage issues.

    Getting bored with the day-in and day-out of life happens to all of us. It sounds like your husband has some good qualities. There is something to be said for a man who works and comes home and isnít out every night.

    I think the issue is that you no longer feel connected to him. It may be the age difference or just the normal ups and downs of a relationship. Itís okay to have interests that you can pursue with friends. The truth is no one person can fulfill all of our needs. Having some things that you enjoy with your friends and some things that are just for you and your husband can make for a balanced life. You have to find something that you enjoy together or you will continue to grow apart. You will have to initiate. Sometimes men donít ďget itĒ until you actually start implementing changes. Once he sees you in action, he may be open to discussing whatís going on in your marriage.

    Some ideas: Plan a date at a favorite restaurant or visit a place that holds great memories for your relationship. Assuming that your sex life is a dud right now, find a something new to bring to the bedroom, but nothing too forward or you may run him off! Do something different than your usual bedtime routine to get started. Also, since heís a homebody consider bringing the fun to him. You can host something at your home (a game night maybe?). If he resists these things, then you may have to do something tougher, like counseling.

    The other issue is that you seem to be either disconnected from yourself or not know what you want. If either of these is true, than no guy, husband or friend, can fulfill that space or be the solution.

    reply to Francine
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    Wow. There's a lot going on with you right now. It's hard not to get caught up in all of the drama and excitement. But you made a commitment to your husband and you need to work things out with him first. That doesn't mean that you stay with him forever no matter how unhappy you are. You could try marriage counseling, or tell your husband you're so unhappy you're thinking of leaving him. If he doesn't want to work it out, or deep down you know that you can't live with him anymore, then it's time to call it quits. But out of respect for yourself and your husband you should figure it out before you start anything with your bff and a small group of his closest naked friends.

    Speaking of your bff, he sounds like a mess who is taking advantage of a rough patch in your marriage. If he was really your friend he'd be helping you, not contributing to your confusion. And he's already in a relationship, a relationship that isn't going well.

    Maybe in the future, after you've figured out your marriage and after you've partied with your friends, you and bff can try again. But until then, I would stay away from him.

    reply to Yvonne
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    BFF has the wild allure of taboo running through your bored and upset mind. Give it a couple of times in the group grope grotto and you'll be all torn up and maybe bringing something home that hubby doesn't deserve to get, know what I'm saying?

    Time for that honest long talk with hubby and get it all out there. If you keep letting it fester, it could turn cancerous (so to speak). Don't do something you'll regret when simple communication might get a better solution started.

    reply to Gene
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    Oh, la, la...you are going through something that every married woman contemplates at least one time during her marriage -- married Vixens, don't say it isn't true!.

    You begin to wonder...what if? You begin to think...why not? And then, all of those philosophical questions pop into your mind...do I really want to go my whole life without knowing what might have happened?

    The sad truth is that there is no easy way out of this dilemma. You can sit, wait, wonder, and never act upon your BFF's confession. Or, you can tempt the hands of fate by continuing to hang out with him.

    The truth of the matter is that if you do continue to hang out with him, things will eventually reach that passionate boiling point...no matter how much you try and curb you passion.

    If you stop hanging out with him, there are a couple of problems:

    1.Your hubby will begin to wonder why you aren't hanging out with your BFF anymore...then you'll have to come up with something quick.

    2.Your BFF will get upset that he confessed his feelings (let's face it, you probably gave him some type of sign that you felt the same way), and you bolted on him.

    Now, it's time for you to make a choice. If you find that you must know what would happen with your BFF...I'm not going to tell you not to find out.

    Do you have to tell hubby? That depends...if you instantly regret the action, no. If you want more, then it's time to confess.

    Aside from all of this, don't be surprised if your hubby begins to notice how passionate you and BFF are for one another...you two may think that you are hiding these feelings, but I bet your hubby has already noticed those puppy dog eyes you throw at each other.

    Bon Courage!!

    P.S. don't worry about BFF's sexual tastes at the moment. If you choose him, you can always work on that sexual appetite. Then again, these hot new ideas may start to intrigue you...sounds like you are some kind of bored.

    -fraise

    reply to Fraise
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    Seems to me that you've got two problems. First, you need to decide what to do about your husband and then you need to decide about the BFF. Any time, I have made a decision out of boredom, I have seriously regretted it. The pink feather boa I wore to work that one time? Not so cool.

    Communicate with your husband. Even if you think you've made your position clear in a million ways, try to sit him down and clearly explain what is going on with you. Sit on him if you think it will help. You've got a real crisis here and if he doesn't think you going out with BFF a few nights a week is a problem, then he needs a wake-up call and now is the time.

    I have a bad feeling about BFF. You know you are not going to get monogamy from this guy, right? STDs, yes. Monogamy, no. If he has told you all about his colorful sex life and you agree to be part of it, he's going to assume you are okay with all of it. Why not? It's what he wants to believe after all.

    Hope it all works out!

    reply to Colleen
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    You need to seriously look at your motivation and the underlying feelings you have that you're not quite willing to admit to yet. The mere fact you're already choreographing the sex means this situation has passed (unconsciously) from the crossroads stage to the express lane.

    First, start by ditching Issue #2. It equates to where he puts his shoes when he comes home from work. This (the crazy porn sex) is only an issue if the two of you become an item.

    As for Issue #1, this is more complex. The age gap between you and your husband is becoming THE issue. This doesn't mean that May/December romances can't work but its success is based on the willingness of each partner to give a bit. You have to accept (and be OK with) his homebody nature and he has to feed your social bug by going out and (legitimately) enjoying himself.

    Ask yourself: Am I still honestly committed to making this marriage work? If the answer is Yes, then find ways to make up the differences between you and your husband. Encourage him to go out more. State the fact that this IS a big issue to you and cannot be cast aside. If he shows a willingness to appease you,, then you know this is a man who STILL LOVES YOU. If he's uncooperative and adamant about the status quo then you have your first brick in the wall.

    You also have to take responsibility in this. Don't lament your time alone with him in the house. Find ways to enjoy what he likes. Why is his POV any less legitimate than yours? As a couple you're bound to a pact based on the mere fact, at one point, you wanted to dedicate your lives to each other. Perhaps the dynamics have changed in seven years.

    Ultimately you either love your hubby enough to want to make it work or you don't. Other people don't enter the equation unless someone gives them room to do so. You entertaining the possibility of another means you're letting your end of the deal down. Ante up or take your chips and move on.

    reply to Charlie
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    You are looking for permission to cheat. I'm not going to give it to you, my friend. If you are bored with your husband, you have two choices, and neither of them involves shtupping your pal. You can get help for your marriage, or you can end it. I would suggest the former before considering the latter.

    Every married couple reaches the point. It is only since society turned into a feels-good-for-me free for all that 50% of marriages failed. Giving into temptation is nice in romance novels, but in reality you lose so very much.

    Get a therapist.

    reply to Wendy
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    You sure do sound like a babe in a bind. The hubby isnít daring enough while the best friend radiates possibilities youíre not even sure you can handle. Itís a tug-of-war of temperaments that doesnít have to leave you stuck in a stalemate (read: you lose). Iíd suggest getting a grip on that rope and recruiting the BFF for sex tips Ė demonstrations not included. Then, go home to practice on the man you promised to have and hold. Youíll make him feel 12 years younger all over again, and remind him that he better work to keep his sweet young thing satisfied. With all the fun youíll have staying in, why go out?

    Okay, okay. If youíre absolutely aching to temporarily abandon the homestead, then go ahead and rally your best girl friends for a few not-so-innocent Ladiesí Nights. After all, harmless flirtation is food for the wedded soul!

    reply to Annie
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    Darling, why trade in the permanent for the temporary. Keep the bff and the hubby. You can step up your own game with the hubby so staying at home isnít so dull. When was the last time you tried on your cheerleading uniform for him? You have the seven-year itch, Marilyn, so scratch it! Turn the good man into a bad boy. But steer clear of sex with the bff. Making a porno with him would be fun at first, but if it doesnít last, you might lose your bff and then where would you be? Smack in the middle of a divorce with no one to get drunk with. As things stand, I see no problem here. If hubby lets you out to have fun now and again, youíre happy. If you let a little slide off on him at home, heís happy. The bff can go find another conquest and heíll be happy. Itís a win, win, win!

    reply to Amay
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    You got the Madonna/Guy Itch. Now tell yourself is Madonna doing good by divorcing Guy Ritchie and hoing for her soulmate Alex Rodriguez AKA A-ROD? Once you answer the question take that advice into consideration.

    reply to Chavo
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    You seem to have two problems here. First, you are thinking about cheating on your husband with this best friend of yours. Second, the best friend is more sexually provocative than you are. Let's tackle the first problem ..first!

    Your husband is doubtlessly doing his best; he thinks he is giving you what you need. You disagree. If you are unable to effectively communicate your needs with your husband, I highly recommend visiting a relationship counselor and/or a religious leader (priest, rabbi, etc.) for assistance. Find someone you can both open up to and he or she will help move your relationship into a better place. Deciding you are in love with your best friend and taking up an affair with him is not the answer; it will only hurt your husband and there seems to be no need for that. Hold off on deciding to run away with the love of your life until you have firmly decided that your marriage is over and your divorce is finalized -- if it heads that way.

    The second point is rendered moot if you actually do attempt to maintain honesty with your husband, but nevertheless, I recommend communication once again. Explain to your best friend that the sexual "deviance" is not entirely up your alley. Explain the concern about STDs (a reality in today's world) and that you believe that sex should have variants of "wildness". You should also explain that you want to work things out with your husband before committing to another relationship, but that's ultimately your decision. Look for love, certainly, but don't be irresponsible about it.

    reply to Kate
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    Darling, I did not rad the "L" word in your post. Do you love him? Does he love you? Do you admire him? Because if you don't there is not much worth saving. If you thing there is still something, try to fight it. Maybe it is only a phase. But I am all against cheating. talk it through with him and go your separate ways. You should be able to still respect yourself afterwards. As per the kinky sex, hmmm whatever works, honey. Just don't you ever think that someone will change their "habbits" for you. Good luck!

    reply to Faye
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    Well you have wrapped up some pretty serious issues into one little bite sized question. So letís dissect this.

    Your Marriage. Iím not going to say I know exactly how you feel, but I can certainly relate to the feelings youíre experiencing. Youíre not a horrible person. After a while, married life will always tend to get a little ďboringĒ - spending day in and day out with any other human being tends to make for a somewhat predictable life. This is both the beauty and the tragedy of the blessed union. I understand your frustration of feeling like youíre married to a different person, but you truly need to convey your feelings to him and work on a solution together Ė chances are he doesnít realize how much this is really affecting you. Remember, those of the male gender possess a certain clueless quality. However, take it from a girl who tends to ďget boredĒ repeatedly in my own relationships and would much rather go out with friends than hang with the manÖ. the fact that you have your pretty little eyes set on someone else isnít helping! I find that whenever my mind starts wandering to someone more interesting or ďexcitingĒ it immediately diminishes my feelings for whomever Iím with. It magnifies the flaws and things that you donít like about your significant other and makes you think that someone else would be more suited for you. Are they always more suited? No, of course not. But the idea of having something new and exciting is appealing to all of us. Youíre a big fat liar if you say itís not. After falling into this trap many a time, Iíve realized that the only way I can be happy in my current relationship is to truly put the idea of anyone else OUT of my mind. When you get your feet wet, you canít help but want to jump in. My advice is to assess your marriage and if you arenít willing to 100% commit to working on it, then get out because you will be miserable otherwise.

    Your BFF. I donít doubt that he is in love with you. But it sounds like heís into some things that you wouldnít be down with. Although this sounds exciting and Iím sure there are mountains of sexual tension between the two of you (ah, the deliciousness of the forbidden), in the long run these things tend to fizzle out. Every time you hang out itís superfluous and fun. You arenít dealing with real life issues and you arenít living together, and chances are that once you do that it wonít be nearly as perfect as you thought.

    reply to andie
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    Focus on your marriage and steer clear of slippery BFF
    relationship with blurred boundaries...until you resolve your marital issues... or you could do something impulsive that will destroy your marriage!
    Be straight up clear and direct with your husband about how you feel, what you want, and what's at stake (your marriage)!
    Your husband has no chance to please you if you are not clear or don't talk to him.
    If in the end, you really cannot talk to your partner or don't feel heard, there's your answer...Life is too short to settle...
    Don't compromise the integrity of your marriage with someone else. Not only will you hurt your marriage, but you will hurt your self esteem.
    Keep boundaries clear with BFF and communication candid with husband while you are vulnerable and uncertain...
    Naughty and dirty can be exciting, more adventurous, and fun...group sex is flat out dangerous and potentially lethal these days!

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    Tumerica wrote: This is a war between your teen-twenty-something self and your thirty-forty-something self. Doesn't matter what your real age is. It's still the same. When we are young, our drive for passion, our passion for passion rules all. About that time in our lives, we do the unthinkable to satisfy--or maybe even just to scratch--that itch. When we grow wiser, we enjoy our comforts and the fruits of our efforts that we have worked so hard for. And our decisions line up along fortifying and taking care of what we have. The young you is going, "Ew, sexy, exciting BFF is who I really have fun with. I think about him all the time. I want that thrill in my life." The older you is going, "Hubby is safe. Hubby is nice. We're doing okay." But if you really listen to that deep intuition of yours, you'll know the answer. Yes, you know it's true. You leave hubby, you fly into BFF's arms. You have an outrageously great timeófor a while. Three months, six months max. He has an insatiable drive. Heís into something way scarier than you are or than you are willing to go. Soon, BFF will be into his next flava and that will likely not be you. How long does someone who is obsessed with porn stick with one partner anyway? Serial monogamy does not come with the territory. Back to monogamy. You are not getting what your want from your older hubby in terms of excitement or social life. In other ways, he does satisfy you, though. And he's a good man, as you said. Now, where does it say in the marital contract that a spouse has to satisfy every yearning you have? Best friend, sexual powerhouse, shrink, partner in crime, business associate, muse, nurse? All of this is asking too much of one person. Maybe your female best friend carries some of that load and family members carry some more of it. Maybe you have a circle of close girlfriends or a career that is satisfying with great coworkers. We get pieces of what we need from different people and different groups and it is completely unfair to expect one human to provide everything, as you can in no way provide everything for your hubby either. (Donít believe me? Just ask him. Isnít there something else he yearns for too?) Yes, this is a seven-year itch and you are testing the strength of your commitment to your relatively new marriage (which is normal, BTW, I went through something like it at eight years). Now, imagine your future life with BFF. Sound scary? You betcha. Then cut hubby a little slack and work on cultivating friendships and group relations that do provide you with what you are missingówithout throwing away the coziness you have built. Now coziness may not be everything, but it is something good, something to be grateful for in a crazy world. And, as Marilyn sang in Diamonds Are a Girlís Best Friend, ďMen grow cold as girls grow old/ And we all lose our charms in the end.Ē Whoís going to love us when we lose our charms?

    Hey there,

    I think that the core of this issue is the fact that your relationship with your husband has changed. He has become more insular and no longer participates in doing the things that used to make the relationship exciting for you. It is therefore not surprising that you would spend more time with your BFF and be seduced by the prospect of recreating the sort of relationship that used to be your relationship with your husband.

    However, lets get this straight: as many vixens have said here already, your BFF is NOT your husband and will not give you this missing 'spark' that you need. I am sure he is a wonderful friend, supportive, caring and there for you when you need it. But anyone who thinks porn is the gold standard for a sexual relationship has deep-seated issues and is not going to be able to commit seriously in a way that is lasting or satisfying for you in the long run. Your intuition has already told you loud and clear that you prefer vanilla. What you are attracted to is the fact that your BFF, as flawed as he may be, is still alive and living and wanting to try new things. Your hubby does not. Basically, your BFF is a horn dog, and he sees a wide-open opportunity to get it on with you. Of course you are tempted. Your husband is not giving you this attention and your BFF is. Do not be fooled. It won't last and you will have lost a friend.

    Back to the issue at hand: your husband who has changed completely and seems reluctant to recognize the effect this has had on you. I am going to assume that you guys are still having really good sex. But, he is not engaging with you and with life in a way that allows you to renew your commitment to each other. A relationship is not a static thing and needs to be fed by each of you trying new things together and apart, and by spending time with other friends too. It sounds as if your hubby isn't into any of these things and this is the problem-the bottom line.

    Sit down with your husband and explain that you don't recognize your relationship anymore. Ask him what has happened to bring about this change in him that you see. Find out why he no longer seems to have a joy for life, for you, for your marriage. You need not go out to places he doesn't like or with people he doesn't like, but he needs to make an effort otherwise he is going to lose you.

    7 years is a long time to be with someone. It is easy to grow complacent, to assume that being a 'good' person and bringing home the bacon is all that might be required of a husband or a wife. This is not in fact, true. Propose a trip around the world, a romantic getaway, a white-water rafting adventure. It is crucial that you shake things up and take each other out of the rut you both find yourself in.

    Best of luck with this extremely difficult situation. As long as you both believe that the marriage is worth saving and that you're both willing to try, you CAN save your marriage.

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