Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

Dear Vixens:

I just found your website and I am very impressed! I'm a social pychologist based here in Portland, Oregon. This week a new bride came to me and said she had just married a mortician. She said on the Honeymoon night she disrobed and was told to go into the bathroom and lay in the bathtub that had been filled with ice. Her new husband then told her to not make a sound and he had intercouse with her. She was asking if this was normal. My question: She was a virgin, so if I tell her this is normal, she'll have a happy marriage. Or, should I tell her that most married persons don't have sex with the female laying on a bed of ice and instructed to not make a sound?

Take care,
Dr. Robert Cross

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    I call bullsh*t on this question.



    reply to Bonnie
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    That's called Necrophilia.

    Spare her the happiness. One of this days he will want her dead for real.

    reply to Keka
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    L
    You're a Doctor and you are hesitating about this?!!

    I'm with Bonnie.

    reply to L
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    Bonnie wrote: I call bullsh*t on this question.

    I second.

    reply to Shelly Rae
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    Oops, wrong site Bob. The frustrated comedians site is down the hall.

    reply to Leslie
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    Dr. Cross,

    To answer your question, you should strip down naked right now and run around the block in just your tennis shoes.

    If little squirrels start running along side you, then you should tell her this is normal.

    reply to Blondie
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    or as I was reading third or fourth it.

    reply to Shelly Rae
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    L wrote: You're a Doctor and you are hesitating about this?!! I'm with Bonnie.

    Thank you Lyly. I am very thoughtful. It usually goes painfully unrecognised.

    reply to Robert
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    This does sound like the set-up to a dirty joke, Bonnie, hah.

    It's not going to take a doctor to tell this woman that what she experienced is not normal. We have enough sex showin' on the Tee Vee and on the Interwebz for that.

    reply to Bryan
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    D
    So, how are her kidneys?

    I'm thinking the groom is either Edward Cullen or Tom Cruise.

    reply to D
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    "Doctor Bobby

    I have this incredible urge to slice my lover's penis after mating. Problem is, I must switch lovers time after time.

    What should I do?"


    reply to Keka
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    Keka wrote: "Doctor Bobby I have this incredible urge to slice my lover's penis after mating. Problem is, I must switch lovers time after time. What should I do?"

    Dear Keka:

    How soon after mating?

    reply to Robert
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    D wrote: So, how are her kidneys? I'm thinking the groom is either Edward Cullen or Tom Cruise.

    Sadly, that must remain confidential.

    reply to Robert
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    Blondie wrote: Dr. Cross, To answer your question, you should strip down naked right now and run around the block in just your tennis shoes. If little squirrels start running along side you, then you should tell her this is normal.

    It's pretty cold here in Portland. And the squirrels are too agressive to attempt what you suggest.

    reply to Robert
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    Robert wrote: Dear Keka: How soon after mating?


    Right after.

    They so numb, don't even feel it.

    reply to Keka
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    I have a friend who wrote a great musical comedy about this. It was called Love is Dead. You can find all of the answers you need in that play.

    reply to Samantha
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    Robert wrote: It's pretty cold here in Portland. And the squirrels are too agressive to attempt what you suggest.

    You are not very dedicated to helping your patient, are you?

    reply to Blondie
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    Yes. Tell her it's completely normal.

    reply to Karla
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    Dr. Cross, if you can't answer this on your own you might want to consider getting a board certified license to practice 'social psychology' (and by the way you spelled it wrong) at the Oregon State Board of Psychologist examiners.

    reply to Pandora
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    Leslie wrote: Oops, wrong site Bob. The frustrated comedians site is down the hall.

    Leslie:

    Excellent! LOL!

    Imaginary Doc: Hire a PR person...You're not even listed in the Portland, Oregon yellow pages!


    reply to Elizabeth
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    The only Dr. Robert Cross in Portland, Oregon is an anesthesiologist. Are you positive you are not omitting any important details, Robby?

    reply to Alek
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    Alek wrote: The only Dr. Robert Cross in Portland, Oregon is an anesthesiologist. Are you positive you are not omitting any important details, Robby?


    reply to Elizabeth
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    Alek wrote: The only Dr. Robert Cross in Portland, Oregon is an anesthesiologist. Are you positive you are not omitting any important details, Robby?

    Excellent research, Alek...I only checked 2 places

    reply to Elizabeth
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    When you edited, you forgot to change 'laying' to 'lying.' Tssk, tssk.

    reply to Shelly Rae
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    Keka wrote: Right after. They so numb, don't even feel it.

    And how do YOU feel about it?

    reply to Robert
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    Alek wrote: The only Dr. Robert Cross in Portland, Oregon is an anesthesiologist. Are you positive you are not omitting any important details, Robby?

    Dear Alex:

    You're RIGHT! I came on-line and threw the question out as a joke. However, this was a real question asked many years ago to Ann Landers (remember her?). Anyway, I am not a doctor. I didn't realize the Vixen's were this serious, and I apologize to all of you.

    Take care.

    reply to Robert
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    What???? That's not normal??

    reply to Lela
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    Robert wrote: Dear Alex: You're RIGHT! I came on-line and threw the question out as a joke. However, this was a real question asked many years ago to Ann Landers (remember her?). Anyway, I am not a doctor. I didn't realize the Vixen's were this serious, and I apologize to all of you. Take care.

    What, you're just going to puss out now? You come on with the most interesting question all day, then scurry away in the face of opposition?

    reply to Alek
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    Robert wrote: Dear Alex: You're RIGHT! I came on-line and threw the question out as a joke. However, this was a real question asked many years ago to Ann Landers (remember her?). Anyway, I am not a doctor. I didn't realize the Vixen's were this serious, and I apologize to all of you. Take care.

    Don't go! Don't go!

    I was playing nice!

    reply to Blondie
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    Bugger I miss all the fun. A necrophiliac mortician, a girl on ice, kidneys and a creepy chimp looking critter........

    IT'S A HORROR WRITER'S WET DREAM!!

    COME BACK!!

    reply to Juliet
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    Dear "Dr. Robert,"

    First, I don't know who is really asking this question but I want to answer it and hopefully it will help! We, as human beings, are freaky...obviously some more than others but we all have our past issues, fantasies, skeletons, etc...However, not everyone acts them out. And then...some do.

    No one has a right to judge what is deemed "normal" versus "abnormal" in other people. What we DO have a right to judge is what FEELS normal to us? If someone is into something that makes their partner uncomfortable, it should be an automatic no-go. I'm guessing the "virgin new wife" felt awkward about what her husband chose to do. Rather than give her a long personal list on what is normal, I'd try and help her to understand that she has a right to NOT participate in anything that doesn't feel NORMAL to HER. Abnormal basically means anything that DOES NOT make her feel loved, happy and full! Tell her to trust her GUT, pay attention to it and help her work on feeling good enough within to just say no to any bs in and out of the bedroom!

    reply to Megan
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    Lela wrote: What???? That's not normal??

    That's what I thought. Ann Landers advised the girl to speak to a priest.

    reply to Robert
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    Lela wrote: What???? That's not normal??

    That's what I thought. Ann Landers advised the girl to speak to a priest.

    reply to Robert
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    Lela wrote: What???? That's not normal??

    LOL! You have a great, quick wit!

    reply to Elizabeth
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    Megan wrote: Dear "Dr. Robert," First, I don't know who is really asking this question but I want to answer it and hopefully it will help! We, as human beings, are freaky...obviously some more than others but we all have our past issues, fantasies, skeletons, etc...However, not everyone acts them out. And then...some do. No one has a right to judge what is deemed "normal" versus "abnormal" in other people. What we DO have a right to judge is what FEELS normal to us? If someone is into something that makes their partner uncomfortable, it should be an automatic no-go. I'm guessing the "virgin new wife" felt awkward about what her husband chose to do. Rather than give her a long personal list on what is normal, I'd try and help her to understand that she has a right to NOT participate in anything that doesn't feel NORMAL to HER. Abnormal basically means anything that DOES NOT make her feel loved, happy and full! Tell her to trust her GUT, pay attention to it and help her work on feeling good enough within to just say no to any bs in and out of the bedroom!

    Click on his name, all will become obvious.

    Edit: E.Jean at least he didn't post pics of hippos and nuns :D

    reply to Juliet
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    Juliet wrote: Bugger I miss all the fun. A necrophiliac mortician, a girl on ice, kidneys and a creepy chimp looking critter........ IT'S A HORROR WRITER'S WET DREAM!! COME BACK!!

    Thank you. The picture was taken when I was younger. Call it vanity. I had several botox injections the day before.

    reply to Robert
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    Whoops. I may have relplied to the wrong person. It's hard wearing this vest and still being a "real man".

    reply to Robert
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    Whoops. I may have relplied to the wrong person. It's hard wearing this vest and still being a "real man".

    reply to Robert
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    Juliet wrote: Click on his name, all will become obvious. Edit: E.Jean at least he didn't post pics of hippos and nuns :D

    Dear Juliet:

    You are correct. As long as you hurt no one, you should be okay with it. However, "hurt" has many depths, doesn't it? To be serious about this problem, if pretending to be dead is what makes the sexual relationship work, and maybe you don't want to pretend to be dead...ah, there's the rub. Yes? You are not being physically hurt, but years later there may be profound issues.
    Good comments. You're a very thoughtful person.

    reply to Robert
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    Blondie wrote: Don't go! Don't go! I was playing nice!

    Dear Blondie:

    You were. I didn't jump ship. My PC has some ghost/alien thing going on. It keeps kicking me out.

    reply to Robert
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    Robert wrote: Thank you. The picture was taken when I was younger. Call it vanity. I had several botox injections the day before.

    Are you a horror writer? Or just think as one?

    reply to Robert
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    Robert wrote: Dear Juliet: You are correct. As long as you hurt no one, you should be okay with it. However, "hurt" has many depths, doesn't it? To be serious about this problem, if pretending to be dead is what makes the sexual relationship work, and maybe you don't want to pretend to be dead...ah, there's the rub. Yes? You are not being physically hurt, but years later there may be profound issues. Good comments. You're a very thoughtful person.

    Sweet, can I have that in the form of a certificate and gift-wrapped for my ex-husband?

    And in the spirit of being thoughtful, here's a banana.


    reply to Juliet
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    Dear Dr. Cross,

    My advice is to keep your day job, at mcdonald's in 'social psychology. The creative writing isn't successfully making anyone suspend disbelief. Take a class at your local community college and try again.


    reply to Erica
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    Alek wrote: What, you're just going to puss out now? You come on with the most interesting question all day, then scurry away in the face of opposition?

    Dear Alex:

    No. I'm not going anywhere. I'm standed here until the plane to depart arrives.

    reply to Robert
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    A monkey can get spanked without first misbehaving.

    reply to T.M.
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    Erica wrote: Dear Dr. Cross, My advice is to keep your day job, at mcdonald's in 'social psychology. The creative writing isn't successfully making anyone suspend disbelief. Take a class at your local community college and try again.

    Dear Erika:

    The question was a real question asked to a well-known advice newspaper writer decades ago. I put it out as a joke (I apologize) but the actual question was real. I'm not a bad person. Cats and dogs gravitate to me.

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    T.M. wrote: A monkey can get spanked without first misbehaving.

    In what society?

    reply to Robert
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    ps I think even a virgin would not think it was normal to lie down in a tub of ice, unless they were raised by wolves in the woods and never had exposure to anyone before except her new mortician husband.

    Also, if some dude were a necrophiliac mortician, he'd be doing corpse sex and trying to stay under the radar. Maybe pay for role play.

    Not doing it with someone who is going to tell her psychologist that looks like a small chimp about it ,who will in turn post it on Askejean.com.

    Girlfriend also needs a psychologist that doesn't need to ask advice on this matter.

    That said, OMG so it WAS weird my ex boyfriend did that bathtub ice thing! Huh, I kinda always thought so.

    reply to Erica
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    Robert wrote: Dear Erika: The question was a real question asked to a well-known advice newspaper writer decades ago. I put it out as a joke (I apologize) but the actual question was real. I'm not a bad person. Cats and dogs gravitate to me.

    Well you said you were a "social psychologist", which turned out to be a big fat fib, so how can we possibly believe that cats and dogs gravitate towards you? HOW???

    reply to Kent
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    Robert wrote: Dear Erika: The question was a real question asked to a well-known advice newspaper writer decades ago. I put it out as a joke (I apologize) but the actual question was real. I'm not a bad person. Cats and dogs gravitate to me.

    AHHHHHH. I don't mind. BUT IT IS ERICA with a C not K. Got it?
    If you do, we are good. ;)


    reply to Erica
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    My cats are suddenly lying very close to my computer. So there may be a small element of truth there.

    reply to Erica
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    Robert wrote: In what society?

    Mine.

    reply to T.M.
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    Erica wrote: My cats are suddenly lying very close to my computer. So there may be a small element of truth there.

    ERICA! Cover your cookies, just in case.

    I don't trust this monkey!

    reply to Juliet
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    Juliet wrote: Sweet, can I have that in the form of a certificate and gift-wrapped for my ex-husband? And in the spirit of being thoughtful, here's a banana.

    Dear Juliet:

    Of course I'll send you that. Just send me a self-addressed stamped envelope. I love the Banana Song. I have this haunting thought that on my deadbed that will be the only thing going through my head. Didn't The Wiggles record that as well?

    reply to Robert
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    Kent wrote: Well you said you were a "social psychologist", which turned out to be a big fat fib, so how can we possibly believe that cats and dogs gravitate towards you? HOW???

    Dear Kent:

    I have pictures! Thousands of them. All purring or making happy doggie sounds.

    reply to Robert
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    Keka wrote: "Doctor Bobby I have this incredible urge to slice my lover's penis after mating. Problem is, I must switch lovers time after time. What should I do?"

    Dear Loraina Bobbit......

    reply to Phoenix
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    This is not a valid question - no self respecting person in your professional would a) ask this on a public forum b) not know the answer.

    reply to Phoenix
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    Erica wrote: My cats are suddenly lying very close to my computer. So there may be a small element of truth there.

    Dear EriCa:

    As I said, cats and dogs gravitate to me. That you may find dozens of cats nuzzling your computer screen at this moment, only speaks of the magnetism I am referring to. In fact, when you need to go shopping or something, just leave on any of my replies on the screen and you can go out worry free.

    reply to Robert
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    Phoenix wrote: This is not a valid question - no self respecting person in your professional would a) ask this on a public forum b) not know the answer.

    Dear Phoenix:

    I do know the answer. You do too, I'm sure :)

    reply to Robert
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    Phoenix wrote: This is not a valid question - no self respecting person in your professional would a) ask this on a public forum b) not know the answer.

    Dear Phoenix:

    I do know the answer. You do too, I'm sure :)

    reply to Robert
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    Juliet wrote: ERICA! Cover your cookies, just in case. I don't trust this monkey!

    Dear Juliet:

    You are kindda throwing a wet towel on this thing EriCa and I have going.

    reply to Robert
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    Erica wrote: Juliet! Cookies.

    Do you both work for a pastry shop?

    reply to Robert
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    Megan wrote: Dear "Dr. Robert," First, I don't know who is really asking this question but I want to answer it and hopefully it will help! We, as human beings, are freaky...obviously some more than others but we all have our past issues, fantasies, skeletons, etc...However, not everyone acts them out. And then...some do. No one has a right to judge what is deemed "normal" versus "abnormal" in other people. What we DO have a right to judge is what FEELS normal to us? If someone is into something that makes their partner uncomfortable, it should be an automatic no-go. I'm guessing the "virgin new wife" felt awkward about what her husband chose to do. Rather than give her a long personal list on what is normal, I'd try and help her to understand that she has a right to NOT participate in anything that doesn't feel NORMAL to HER. Abnormal basically means anything that DOES NOT make her feel loved, happy and full! Tell her to trust her GUT, pay attention to it and help her work on feeling good enough within to just say no to any bs in and out of the bedroom!

    Dear Megan:

    Are Juliet and Megan the same?


    reply to Robert
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    Jen wrote: LOL What a doucher!

    Dear Jen:

    I was joking...again. I think they got it. Sorry you didn't.

    reply to Robert
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    Robert wrote: And how do YOU feel about it?


    I feel depleted.

    reply to Keka
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    Robert wrote: Dear Erika: The question was a real question asked to a well-known advice newspaper writer decades ago. I put it out as a joke (I apologize) but the actual question was real. I'm not a bad person. Cats and dogs gravitate to me.

    And monkeys? They are scared of you, right?

    reply to Blondie
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    Robert wrote: Dear Erika: The question was a real question asked to a well-known advice newspaper writer decades ago. I put it out as a joke (I apologize) but the actual question was real. I'm not a bad person. Cats and dogs gravitate to me.


    Wanna hang out, sexy?

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    Keka wrote: I feel depleted.

    I've not had too many women attempt to cut off my penis. As a potential victim, I can only say that after many years of dating, and the hostility and rejection, I suppose that castration may have been an unknown blessing.

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    Robert wrote: I've not had too many women attempt to cut off my penis. As a potential victim, I can only say that after many years of dating, and the hostility and rejection, I suppose that castration may have been an unknown blessing.


    It's only an act of love...

    reply to Keka
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    Blondie wrote: And monkeys? They are scared of you, right?

    As I said, this is photo from many years ago, when I was young and sexy. Time...but to answer the question. No! But Thanksgiving with the family. How many times can you make a turkey stuffed with bananas interesting? We all labor through it.

    reply to Robert
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    Keka wrote: Wanna hang out, sexy?

    Yes. Do I have to wear a military outfit? I like my vest - if that's okay with you.

    reply to Robert
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    Robert wrote: Yes. Do I have to wear a military outfit? I like my vest - if that's okay with you.


    You look fab, Boo. I like the funky hair.

    reply to Keka
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    Keka wrote: It's only an act of love...

    I am burnt-out beyond repair. I am going to have several glasses of wine and work on my coloring book for particle physics.

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    T.M. wrote: Mine.

    Ahhhh. Give me the zip and I'll mapquest it.

    reply to Robert
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    Keka wrote: You look fab, Boo. I like the funky hair.

    I'm off to do my coloring book. Yes, the hair was done by a professional. The photo was right before my lecture in Africa on Human Rights vs. Animal Rights.

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    Keka wrote: You look fab, Boo. I like the funky hair.

    I'm off to do my coloring book. Yes, the hair was done by a professional. The photo was right before my lecture in Africa on Human Rights vs. Animal Rights.

    reply to Robert
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    Dear Dr. Robert,

    Did your patient ever discuss the intercourse with her new husband afterwords? Also, thank God for her being a virgin and not knowing better, craziness like this can put even Samantha Jones off sex for a long while.

    As the person who has her best interests at heart, how do you argue that keeping your opinion on the oddity of the situation is keeping her in a happy marriage? If this was the husband's way of treating her on her wedding night, I very highly doubt he will try to please her in the future. She might go her entire life without having an orgasm. Please enlighten her. And for our sake, put the perv on some kind of register.

    P.S. Yes, I'm keeping up the pretenses that this is a real question because it's quite perplexing and kinky

    reply to Igorina
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    Dr. Robert Cross - Sounds a lot like a James Patterson character!

    I'm thinking this is total BS! Even in the original article!

    However, if it were true - then of course you tell her it's not normal! It's unhealthy and needs to be addressed. There are times in life to sugar coat things and this is NOT one of them!




    reply to Dawn
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    Robert wrote: I'm off to do my coloring book. Yes, the hair was done by a professional. The photo was right before my lecture in Africa on Human Rights vs. Animal Rights.

    Ya'll are too funny!

    reply to Dawn
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    Oh my ! Well it seems as if this virgin can tell something is not quite right with her husbands love making. And is upset enough to be seeking a professional's help. I can somewhat understand the bind it has put you in, but remember your "first do no harm" oath. Because something tells me as some point he will want to take it to the next level. Simply tell her love is to be made on a bed of roses not a block of ice.

    reply to The Stupes
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    Your question is a tad late, It should have been posted on Halloween. Or, you should have waited for April Fools Day.

    On the other hand, whatever 'floats your boat' or chills your blood is okay between consenting adults. If at some point this husband wants a menage-a-trois, and one of the adults is not consenting, you might want to reconsider this thingy...unless you enjoy being the 'life' of the party!

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    I think that is really morbid. Sounds like the husband wants to have sex with a dead person. Kinda makes you wonder what he does with the people he is has to embalm. Personally, that is a funeral home I would not want to do business with. On another note, you are a licensed doctor and you are not helping this girl by telling her the truth! You should not have a license!

    reply to Connie
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    While I am dubious of of your post doctor, I am going to respond to it as if it were a real problem. However before addressing your client's problem, have you considered if it was real or just a hoax?

    Where does your client live that even as a virgin she thinks this is normal sexual behavior? How does one even react, or rather not react to such an outrageous claim? Even if this girl, who was a virgin upon marriage was 18, what kind of sheltered community is she living in that she does not know that necrophilia is aberrant behavior? Perhaps you should consider this before offering your client any advice.

    As far as your client is concerned, I think as a doctor you should absolutely tell her the truth about her situation. Her husband is obviously disturbed and it is your job as her mental health care provider to be looking out for her best interest. While I do not suggest being an alarmist and scaring her with the information, she does need to know that it is not normal sexual behavior. You should also make a follow up appointment for her and her husband and during their joint session suggest that he start undergoing therapy himself.

    If this woman is so naive as to not realize that this is morbidly aberrant behavior than you must help her to understand that this is not her fault and if her husband chooses to undergo therapy and seek treatment that they can make their marriage work.

    If her husband resists treatment and continues with his morbid sexual desires it is probably best for her in the long run that she not stay married to him as it could be dangerous and could escalate into something much worse that could cost her her life. And while a painful divorce can be traumatizing, the years of sexual abuse that she may suffer will be much worse.


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    Doc--

    My questions to the blushing (shivering, blue-lipped) bride would be open ended.

    "So, dear, how was it for you? Did you enjoy yourself? Did he at least get the job done?"

    And maybe ask her if her new husband is open to role reversal. Missionary position can be quite the bore ... don't you think?

    reply to Phillip
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    Phillip wrote: Doc-- My questions to the blushing (shivering, blue-lipped) bride would be open ended. "So, dear, how was it for you? Did you enjoy yourself? Did he at least get the job done?" And maybe ask her if her new husband is open to role reversal. Missionary position can be quite the bore ... don't you think?


    A corpse with a hard on?

    reply to Keka
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    Well, many people have fetishes that others would find weird, disgusting, taboo etc. The main thing is, is the bride comfortable with doing the sexual things her new husband asks of her? Normal or not, it is up to her and her husband to set rules and boundaries when it comes to acting out sexual fantasies. If the bride, is uncomfortable with performing these various sex acts then, there's a fundamental problem with the relationship.

    My first question to the bride would be
    1. Was she aware of his sexual fetishes prior to marrying him? If so, how did it make her feel? (I am assuming is she had known about these things and she was ok - then she wouldn't be asking if this is normal)

    As a virgin, it's hard to say how exposed she has been to sexual acts - being a virgin doesn't mean you haven't done other sexual acts or that you don't have a healthy sexual appetite or imagination...

    The next thing I would ask her - which I believe to be the most important question - is, How did performing this act make her feel?

    If to both these questions the resounding answer is a NO, then unfortunately this marriage may not survive. If, however, she loves him, and is willing to fulfill his fetishes and she is completely OK with it, then maybe a bit of marriage counseling would be a good idea

    Honestly, virgin or not, she is with a man who is obviously a little disturbed.

    reply to Nikki
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    Well gosh this was a waste of 5 minutes of my life.

    reply to Bella
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    Doctor in a dilema....listen you left out a very important detail...is he a sixty second man? Is he over 90 and does the ice keep him awake so he can have sex and did she marry him for his money? These are pivotal questions!. Personally, I would rather lay on a bed of ice for 60 seconds than be whipped and chained, but everyone has their own sexual fetishes or fantiasies. I recommend you try the ice before you give her advice. You know what they say about walking in another man's, or woman's shoes.

    sweet pidge

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    This is so freaking funny.

    reply to Alek
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    S
    Robert wrote: Dear EriCa: As I said, cats and dogs gravitate to me. That you may find dozens of cats nuzzling your computer screen at this moment, only speaks of the magnetism I am referring to. In fact, when you need to go shopping or something, just leave on any of my replies on the screen and you can go out worry free.

    I'm guessing squirrels stick to you too. Tell me where I ganked that from and you win the big prize. PS I'm impressed with how civilly ya'll handled this thread. Very classy.

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    Robert wrote: Ahhhh. Give me the zip and I'll mapquest it.

    13326

    Bring a diaper, I don't want you flinging poo at me.

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    I think you should tell her that she's a wife, not a shrimp cocktail. Revenge is a dish best served cold, not sex, and she should run, not walk to the nearest exit.

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    Igorina wrote: Dear Dr. Robert, Did your patient ever discuss the intercourse with her new husband afterwords? Also, thank God for her being a virgin and not knowing better, craziness like this can put even Samantha Jones off sex for a long while. As the person who has her best interests at heart, how do you argue that keeping your opinion on the oddity of the situation is keeping her in a happy marriage? If this was the husband's way of treating her on her wedding night, I very highly doubt he will try to please her in the future. She might go her entire life without having an orgasm. Please enlighten her. And for our sake, put the perv on some kind of register. P.S. Yes, I'm keeping up the pretenses that this is a real question because it's quite perplexing and kinky

    The husband obviously doesn't have the woman's best interest at heart. Whether this make-believe necroplillia or other key areas of life as well. The REAL question, is at WHAT point does selfish behavior (sexual or otherwise) cross the line.

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    Nikki wrote: Well, many people have fetishes that others would find weird, disgusting, taboo etc. The main thing is, is the bride comfortable with doing the sexual things her new husband asks of her? Normal or not, it is up to her and her husband to set rules and boundaries when it comes to acting out sexual fantasies. If the bride, is uncomfortable with performing these various sex acts then, there's a fundamental problem with the relationship. My first question to the bride would be 1. Was she aware of his sexual fetishes prior to marrying him? If so, how did it make her feel? (I am assuming is she had known about these things and she was ok - then she wouldn't be asking if this is normal) As a virgin, it's hard to say how exposed she has been to sexual acts - being a virgin doesn't mean you haven't done other sexual acts or that you don't have a healthy sexual appetite or imagination... The next thing I would ask her - which I believe to be the most important question - is, How did performing this act make her feel? If to both these questions the resounding answer is a NO, then unfortunately this marriage may not survive. If, however, she loves him, and is willing to fulfill his fetishes and she is completely OK with it, then maybe a bit of marriage counseling would be a good idea Honestly, virgin or not, she is with a man who is obviously a little disturbed.

    Dear Nikki:

    You are correct in your analysis.

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    T.M. wrote: 13326 Bring a diaper, I don't want you flinging poo at me.

    You are obviously a defensive person. When we meet I promise to have you completely under my spell and relaxed within 15 minutes.

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    Robert wrote: You are obviously a defensive person. When we meet I promise to have you completely under my spell and relaxed within 15 minutes.

    No no, I just want to be the first to fling it.

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    S wrote: I'm guessing squirrels stick to you too. Tell me where I ganked that from and you win the big prize. PS I'm impressed with how civilly ya'll handled this thread. Very classy.

    Thank you. Squirrels do stick to me - however, the ones here in Portland are carnivors. It's not a pleasant sight. Most people turn away.

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    T.M. wrote: No no, I just want to be the first to fling it.

    As you can see by my photo, I am a cultured gentleman. Like "Blondie" I am a wine enthusiast. So, it goes without saying you can go first. Women always go first in my book. However, you must promise me that the act is one of love and respect; or last least profound and meaningful hatred.

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    T.M. wrote: No no, I just want to be the first to fling it.

    As you can see by my photo, I am a cultured gentleman. Like "Blondie" I am a wine enthusiast. So, it goes without saying you can go first. Women always go first in my book. However, you must promise me that the act is one of love and respect; or last least profound and meaningful hatred.

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    Alek wrote: This is so freaking funny.

    This was my first log-on. Is this the way it usually goes?

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    Karyn wrote: Doctor in a dilema....listen you left out a very important detail...is he a sixty second man? Is he over 90 and does the ice keep him awake so he can have sex and did she marry him for his money? These are pivotal questions!. Personally, I would rather lay on a bed of ice for 60 seconds than be whipped and chained, but everyone has their own sexual fetishes or fantiasies. I recommend you try the ice before you give her advice. You know what they say about walking in another man's, or woman's shoes. sweet pidge

    Yes. He comes in less than sixty seconds. Hummmm, no I have not tested this sexual act out as yet. I'm very selective when dating, so finding someone who meets my other standards of dress, education, wit, etc., who would also be willing to assist me with this experiment would be a hardship. However, we will see if any volunteers come forth. As for me being on the bottem, I think that would be fine...as well as sideways.

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    Phillip wrote: Doc-- My questions to the blushing (shivering, blue-lipped) bride would be open ended. "So, dear, how was it for you? Did you enjoy yourself? Did he at least get the job done?" And maybe ask her if her new husband is open to role reversal. Missionary position can be quite the bore ... don't you think?

    Dear Phil:

    You are correct. Missionary is very boring. Few of my family practice that position. Missionaries themselves are another topic.

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    Connie wrote: I think that is really morbid. Sounds like the husband wants to have sex with a dead person. Kinda makes you wonder what he does with the people he is has to embalm. Personally, that is a funeral home I would not want to do business with. On another note, you are a licensed doctor and you are not helping this girl by telling her the truth! You should not have a license!

    Dear Connie:

    My license was revoked in mid-dialogue here :)
    You bring up something not considered here. That most of us really go to a Funeral Home and conduct business on a pure faith-basis.

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    Penelope wrote: Your question is a tad late, It should have been posted on Halloween. Or, you should have waited for April Fools Day. On the other hand, whatever 'floats your boat' or chills your blood is okay between consenting adults. If at some point this husband wants a menage-a-trois, and one of the adults is not consenting, you might want to reconsider this thingy...unless you enjoy being the 'life' of the party!

    Cute reply.

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    The Stupes wrote: Oh my ! Well it seems as if this virgin can tell something is not quite right with her husbands love making. And is upset enough to be seeking a professional's help. I can somewhat understand the bind it has put you in, but remember your "first do no harm" oath. Because something tells me as some point he will want to take it to the next level. Simply tell her love is to be made on a bed of roses not a block of ice.

    I shall.

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    Give her the number of a good divorce lawyer in your area.

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    Robert wrote: Dear Phil: You are correct. Missionary is very boring. Few of my family practice that position. Missionaries themselves are another topic.

    hahahaha Robert, you are a breath of refreshing air on Vixens. Here's hoping you stick around.

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    Missionary boring? Have you tried it on the couch, while on your knees?

    Gotta use a pillow though...

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    Lorraine wrote: Give her the number of a good divorce lawyer in your area.

    I have discovered that most of the lawyers in Portland follow this sexual practice as well.

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    Keka wrote: Missionary boring? Have you tried it on the couch, while on your knees? Gotta use a pillow though...

    Dear Keka:

    You diminish the experience.

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    ehvwon wrote: hahahaha Robert, you are a breath of refreshing air on Vixens. Here's hoping you stick around.

    Thanks. I do have a family re-union coming up later at the Portland Zoo. I selected the 1989 Chateau Clinet from St.Emilion for the red, and the 2005 Silex from the Loire for the white. Since most of the family is a bunch of monkeys who don't appreciate fine wine, I'll probably drink most of it myself and they'll drink Bud Lite. Any of you can come along as my guest - the cage is pretty big.

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    Robert wrote: Dear Keka: You diminish the experience.

    You just hurt cause you're too short to pull that stunt.

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    It may be normal for the mortician (if this story is true), but it sure isnt NORMAL.

    One wonders what this guy does with the corpses people entrust to him.

    One wonders that he doesn't get it that ice is COLD and can eventually be painful.

    You know what? The virgin should have run like hell
    (if, of course, this story is true).

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    Keka wrote: You just hurt cause you're too short to pull that stunt.

    Dear Keka:

    Where there's a will, there's a way.

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    jeannie` wrote: It may be normal for the mortician (if this story is true), but it sure isnt NORMAL. One wonders what this guy does with the corpses people entrust to him. One wonders that he doesn't get it that ice is COLD and can eventually be painful. You know what? The virgin should have run like hell (if, of course, this story is true).

    Dear Jeannie:

    I made an observation earlier, that Funeral Homes are probably one of the few places customers go to any more on a blind-faith basis - that the place and personnel are trustworthy. The family member is usually in such a distraught frame of mind that they are taken advantage of. I believe this is why it is important that funeral arrangements be made pro-actively, years and years before, and not get placed in such a position.

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    I call bullsh** too!

    The funniest thing, is that "Dr. Robert Cross" believes that just because the girl is a virgin, she will have a happy marriage if he tell her it's okay.

    Since when is "virgin" equated with "mentally challenged."

    I did NOT have to wear a helmet until the day I lost my virginity.


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    Robert wrote: Dear Kent: I have pictures! Thousands of them. All purring or making happy doggie sounds.

    Pictures can't make sounds!
    (This man is utterly disturbed.)

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    fayeruz wrote: I call bullsh** too! The funniest thing, is that "Dr. Robert Cross" believes that just because the girl is a virgin, she will have a happy marriage if he tell her it's okay. Since when is "virgin" equated with "mentally challenged." I did NOT have to wear a helmet until the day I lost my virginity.

    What kind of helmet?

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    Matt wrote: Pictures can't make sounds! (This man is utterly disturbed.)

    Dear Matt:

    Noooo, sweetheart. Pictures of them surrounding me. However, people speak to and hear things from way stranger things than pictures. And for those who do, please write to Matt. He will offer leadership and help.

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    Yo....your thinking of telling her this is normal? Have you lost your mind? No.......tell her he is loney tunes and she should melt the ice. Give her a chance at a happy life. If she is telling you she is obviously not happy and will never be say "that's all folks" and end this charade.

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    Suzanna wrote: Yo....your thinking of telling her this is normal? Have you lost your mind? No.......tell her he is loney tunes and she should melt the ice. Give her a chance at a happy life. If she is telling you she is obviously not happy and will never be say "that's all folks" and end this charade.

    Dear Suzanna:

    You're right!

    My family has suffered many hardships, because we're different looking - as my photo shows. Are you related to Big Bird in some way? We might have something in common.

    Take care,
    Robert


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    Rudy wrote: TEAM BONNIE!

    Dear Rudy:

    Oh my Gosh! Doesn't anyone read further dialogue, Rudy? C'mon and read about half way down and the clouds will lift and you will see :)

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    Keka wrote: "Doctor Bobby I have this incredible urge to slice my lover's penis after mating. Problem is, I must switch lovers time after time. What should I do?"

    Don't worry---you sound completely normal.

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    John wrote: Don't worry---you sound completely normal.

    Dear John:

    I have a great fear of looking in both her and your closets.

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    T.M. wrote: No no, I just want to be the first to fling it.

    Where are you now? I have tried to post another question. This isn't right!!!!! Here I am, dressed up and ready to go out and party like it's 1999. This is beginning to resemble Jean-Paul Sartre's "No Exit" - which is required reading in the zoo.

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    Dear Dr. Cross,

    Show us your credentials!

    Portland is a great town. Surely those morticians there use refrigeration. That said, tell the young bride to find a new psychologist. One that's titled smart instead of social.

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    Dear Ashley:

    Lady Ashley in "The Sun Also Rises" was a great character. Of course...you read the question and did not read the following dialogue. Please do so; you will see what is actually going on. Portland is a great town. Cold. Overcast. Rainy. Are you saying it id better to be smart and anti-social? I believe the DMV and Unemployment Departments are full of people who probably fit the bill. I am waiting to be released from this question. Please believe that the question was an actual one, posed to Ann Landers many, many, many years ago and I threw it out there. Again, read the chain of dialogue after the oruginal question was given.

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    So, I know everyone is heckling Robert, but man, even a virgin should know thats not normal!

    IF this actually happened, she just wanted a therapist to reassure her that laying in a tub of ice isn't considered 'adventurous'.

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    Wow, it's pretty sad that someone would come here posing as a doctor and then ask such a ridiculous question. If it was supposed to be a joke, it wasn't a very funny one.

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    Hmm...Dr. Robert Cross. Really? Dr. Robert Cross who chooses a monkey for his identity icon? I think we both know this is a little hootenanny and it's you who is making the whoopie in the ice. Yikes. Get some help, friend!

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    Lisa wrote: So, I know everyone is heckling Robert, but man, even a virgin should know thats not normal! IF this actually happened, she just wanted a therapist to reassure her that laying in a tub of ice isn't considered 'adventurous'.

    Dear Lisa:

    Comments in the chain of dialogue cover this. The question was real.

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    Actually, lying in a tub of ice on a regular basis can have side benefits. It keeps you feeling and looking younger.

    Ever see an Eskimo going in for Botox? I rest my case.

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    Michael wrote: Wow, it's pretty sad that someone would come here posing as a doctor and then ask such a ridiculous question. If it was supposed to be a joke, it wasn't a very funny one.

    Dear Michael:

    There are 31 flavors at Baskin-Robbins. I hate Rocky Road ice cream. You may love it. And that's great; diversity is great. Some relatives of mine HATE "South Park". That's okay. Please read the entire chain of dialogue. I am amazed that no one is reading a little bit beyond the opening, Michael. If you don't read the entire interactions, and see what happened, then you're missing the conclusion. Take care.

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    Penelope wrote: Actually, lying in a tub of ice on a regular basis can have side benefits. It keeps you feeling and looking younger. Ever see an Eskimo going in for Botox? I rest my case.

    Dear Penelope:

    I am actually close to eighty years old. Only vanity makes me state my age is only fifty. I sleep nightly in a cyrogenic cell at the zoo.

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    Oh excellent, Dr Bob is still here!

    Dr Bob,

    Serveral Vixens are experiencing withdrawl symptoms due to our desire to break our soft drink/soda/pop addictions. In your medical opinion, how much longer will the economy suffer due to the sudden downturn of consumption of these products estimating a $450 p.a. per individual?

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    The clincher for me was that the husband's job is a "Mortician!" Wait, let me go buy more flagpoles to fly more RED FLAGS! hehe

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    Come on! If you're really a psych, why do you need vixens to answer this question. you know the answer - this bride's in trouble if she really married a man who would ask her to do that on her wedding night.

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    Juliet wrote: Oh excellent, Dr Bob is still here! Dr Bob, Serveral Vixens are experiencing withdrawl symptoms due to our desire to break our soft drink/soda/pop addictions. In your medical opinion, how much longer will the economy suffer due to the sudden downturn of consumption of these products estimating a $450 p.a. per individual?

    hahahah For sure!

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    Robert wrote: Dear Matt: Noooo, sweetheart. Pictures of them surrounding me. However, people speak to and hear things from way stranger things than pictures. And for those who do, please write to Matt. He will offer leadership and help.

    I've never had a man call me "sweetheart" before...I'm not sure how I feel about that. Hold on, my shelf is trying to tell me something...

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    DEAR DOCTOR!!!!
    good grief!! you should have have told her in no uncertain terms to pack her little train bag, and catch the Orient Expreess...asap!!! and have her call you from Madagascar to make sure she made it ok.....this dude is freakin' wierd!! and he caught himself a gullible fish...what next? ... is he going to dip her in formaldahyde and have her stand in front of the blazing fireplace!!!

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    Robert wrote: Dear John: I have a great fear of looking in both her and your closets.

    Dear Doctor...please don't bother with the closets... check the refrigerator first!!!

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    Ann-Laura wrote: Dear Doctor...please don't bother with the closets... check the refrigerator first!!!

    or maybe you should check the basement freezer first!!!

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    charmaine wrote: Come on! If you're really a psych, why do you need vixens to answer this question. you know the answer - this bride's in trouble if she really married a man who would ask her to do that on her wedding night.

    ..he's a teaser ..ain't he!!! ohh doc baby ..you really are!!

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    Robert wrote: Dear Lisa: Comments in the chain of dialogue cover this. The question was real.

    Yes, yet many are still questioning...

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    Juliet wrote: Oh excellent, Dr Bob is still here! Dr Bob, Serveral Vixens are experiencing withdrawl symptoms due to our desire to break our soft drink/soda/pop addictions. In your medical opinion, how much longer will the economy suffer due to the sudden downturn of consumption of these products estimating a $450 p.a. per individual?

    Dear Juliet:

    The economy is not really sufering at all. That was an ad tactic of the Democrats. Here at the zoo I haven't seen one creature made homeless. And the place is full of visitors everyday.
    As for the "addiction to soda". That is another myth. Drink all the soda you want. Eat copious amounts of potato chips, strange drips, ice cream and snacks full of empty calories as well. If the calories are empty, they're neither bad or good.

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    charmaine wrote: Come on! If you're really a psych, why do you need vixens to answer this question. you know the answer - this bride's in trouble if she really married a man who would ask her to do that on her wedding night.

    I don't know. I bet we could find a book-load of "stranger than fiction" stories from people here about honeymoon nights - or strange requests after the knot was tied. Any volunteers?

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    Wow. Tell us the truth. You're the mortician, aren't you?
    ;)

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    Ann-Laura wrote: Dear Doctor...please don't bother with the closets... check the refrigerator first!!!

    Dear Ann-Laura:

    My my my. How did I miss you? I was having an out-of-body experience last night - as you could probably sense by the way I dress, I'm am a master of the occult arts (okay, try to verify THAT in the Portland yellow pages). I was on the astral plane for most of the evening. Your earthly beauty has made me return.

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    Auriane wrote: Wow. Tell us the truth. You're the mortician, aren't you? ;)

    Dear Auriane:

    I'm trying to keep this hush-hush. I thought my transparent lies were completely foolproof. There's no messing around with this group. Yes, and I only had sex with her 12 times the first night. Then I had to defrost her. She had a hard time explaining her appearance. She works as a model at a tanning salon.

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    Lisa wrote: Yes, yet many are still questioning...

    Dear Lisa:

    Is there something about the back of your neck I need to know?

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    RockinGoldenGirl wrote: The clincher for me was that the husband's job is a "Mortician!" Wait, let me go buy more flagpoles to fly more RED FLAGS! hehe

    Dear Rockin'GoldenGirl:

    I find it SHOCKING my well-planned ruse was so quickly discovered. Egad! I guess my well-planned plan to replace the American currancy with Chuckie Cheese game tokens should be re-considered at this point.

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    I am on the Obama group of economic advisors. The Chuck E Cheese game tokens are currently being accepted at most international currancy exchanges. I'm not sure what the going rate is. However, I am advising him that we need to convert to HARD Assets such as gold, diamonds, Hanna Montana dolls, Chuck E Cheese game tokens and Metallica CD's.

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    Dr. Cross, my advice would be to tell the bride that she may have a case of alienation of affection against some dead women. Her husband may be having a cold one at work and he doesn't even drink. Anyway, your responsibility is to maintain the confidentiality of your patient, not the patient's husband. Tell this woman what kind of freak she is married to, so she can decide if he is the freak for her. My position, and I've tried many, is that any man who would serve a virgin cocktail on ice is a bloody fool.

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    Calvin wrote: Dr. Cross, my advice would be to tell the bride that she may have a case of alienation of affection against some dead women. Her husband may be having a cold one at work and he doesn't even drink. Anyway, your responsibility is to maintain the confidentiality of your patient, not the patient's husband. Tell this woman what kind of freak she is married to, so she can decide if he is the freak for her. My position, and I've tried many, is that any man who would serve a virgin cocktail on ice is a bloody fool.

    Dear Calvin:

    "Virgin cocktail on ice" is wonderful. Good work, my friend.

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    This is unlike any fetish I have ever heard of!

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    Alena wrote: This is unlike any fetish I have ever heard of!

    Dear Alena:

    How sheltered and sweet you are. Sadly, things like this do exist. Thank goodness its awful shadow has never entered your beautiful space.

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    Ann-Laura wrote: or maybe you should check the basement freezer first!!!

    The freezers at the Portland Zoo contain many interesting dietary objects as well. The place is managed by members of PETA: People Enjoying Tasty Animals. You can imagine!!!!

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    Bonnie wrote: I call bullsh*t on this question.

    Agree. I would be a tad concerned if a psychologist counseled their patients based on askejean- not that askejean isn't fab- LOL!

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    Oh Dr. Robert,

    Watch out, those Portland Zookeepers are planning to send you back to the jungle. No more free bananas for you.






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    Robert wrote: Dear Lisa: Is there something about the back of your neck I need to know?

    it's cold from laying in an iced tub for too long.

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    Dear Advice Vixens.

    I'm a bathtub in Portland Oregon and every so often there's this really odd couple who fill me with ice and attempt to have some sort of corpse-themed sex while sitting in me. In all honesty I'm not trying to be judgmental here (bathroom fixtures by nature, are very liberal minded) but I do feel I'm being used. Not only do they tend to scuff my porcelain (near the faucet) but my drain plug hasn't closed properly since the second time they dumped a load of ice inside.

    My question is this:

    Is it normal to have a thing for a two-slice toaster? I know the curling iron has it bad for me but I can't deal with that type of pressure. I guess I'm more a kitchen type.

    Signed,

    Four Legs But Wobbly in Portland

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    dude im sure the underlying assumption is the "doctor" is the husband who likes to have sex with a corspe bride.

    my view on it: she is a consenting adult
    AND if she is wondering if its okay...then shes either underaged or retarded.

    Im not trying to insult anyone we all have our fetishes but no it is not normal, but if u like it and makes u feel good then congrats

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    Give advice or add a comment: