Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

I only have sex so I can control my husband. I have to think of other people to get through it. How can I fix this?

  • Cast your vote
    for Best Advice
  • give Catherine advice
    send this question to a friend

    I should rename myself from "Hercules" to "The Voice of Reason." While I definitely agree that marriage is no excuse for bad sex, I definitely feel you should exhaust all other options before ditching the guy. I mean, there's umm counseling, sex books, and oooh, even blindfolds made from table napkins (thanks E. Jean)! Oh, and before any of that, talk to him, and go from there.

    reply to Hercules
    send this answer to a friend

    Honey, you have the right idea. Control is key! Find a poolboy and keep doing what you're doing!

    reply to Nicole
    send this answer to a friend

    NOBODY likes having sex with their husband. What's the problem?
    You should ask advice only when you STOP thinking of other people. Please.

    reply to Katy
    send this answer to a friend

    you’re delusional if you think your sex is actually working to control him. Sex is available all over the place and I wouldn’t be surprised if your “whipped” husband had a few secondary cubby holes he crawled into late at night.

    reply to Michael
    send this answer to a friend

    What's so bad about sex with your husband? Did you always dislike it or did that start when you started using sex for control? Something's disconnected there...relationships take work and a healthy sex life takes work too. Stop controlling and start thinking about why you're not into sex with your husband.

    reply to Tiffany
    send this answer to a friend

    D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Sing it with me now. Sex kicks ass and it shouldn't be a chore. Get out! Get out now!

    reply to Zoe
    send this answer to a friend

    Nicole wrote: Honey, you have the right idea. Control is key! Find a poolboy and keep doing what you're doing!

    Right on, sista! Love them pool boys. I am particularly fond of the builders working next door in the sun.

    reply to Marta
    send this answer to a friend

    Not only is control obtainable through sex, "Michael," but it is necessary for women to embrace these powers simply because it is one facet of life men are unable to dominate (no doubt this is a controversial topic in the world of feminism).
    While it is unfortunate that you feel you have to use solely sex to control your husband, it is beneficial for women to use their powers of attraction in order to get what they want. This, however, is a fine line, because women frequently use ONLY this facet to define themselves, which is unfortunate because fit young women will quickly find themselves shit out of luck 20 years later when their boobs are sagging to the floor.

    For this reason, women need to understand and harness their many, many talents and skills- whatever it may be- and understand that their outer beauty will only get them so far. They must use this slight and temporary attraction of males to get what they want and in the end use it to their own agenda.

    Men's doggedly physical attraction to women makes them vulnerable in a way that allows women to dominate in this one aspect of society. Their simple voracity is an inevitable fact of life. The only way women can benefit from it is to understand and embrace it.

    On another note, you should come up with creative ways for YOU to be more turned on by your husband.
    Experiment a little... this will help your control over him as well as your attraction and therefore your relationship with him.

    reply to Stephanie
    send this answer to a friend

    Katy wrote: NOBODY likes having sex with their husband. What's the problem? You should ask advice only when you STOP thinking of other people. Please.

    hello katy
    how do you do
    i love you
    you vary bueaty full

    reply to ahmed
    send this answer to a friend

    Catherine, are you still attracted to your husband? Was there a time when you enjoyed having sex with him? It's natural for sex to become dull or boring, but if you are married, it's up to both of you to get that connection back. For instance, is there a way to bring your husband INTO your fantasy? Or, if you are fantasizing about someone else, just stop and focus on his lips or his hair... do you tell him what you need in order to be turned on?

    And why do you feel the need to control him? Are you still happy in the relationship? So often, we "love" the person we're with, but we stop LIKING them. Do you still like each other?

    reply to Rea
    send this answer to a friend

    catherine -

    marriage is a partnership, one shouldn't want or feel like they have to use sex as a method to control their partner. sex should be a mutually pleasurable experience that brings you closer together. It's very common for sex to become boring or a chore, but there are a few questions you'll have to ask yourself to find a solution.

    -Are you still attracted to your husband? Physically and emotionally?
    -If not, are you sure you want the relationship?
    -If you do want to preserve the marriage, do you think you could both go to counseling and honestly work on it?
    -If you can't, you should consider a divorce.
    -But no matter what you decide, try and figure out why you use sex to manipulate. Thats not healthy for YOU. Find out mature and healthy ways to communicate your needs and get what you want.

    Best of luck

    reply to Maree
    send this answer to a friend

    If you just can't stomach him anymore and sex with him makes you feel nauseated, it's Tammy Time (D.I.V.O.R.C.E).

    reply to Susy
    send this answer to a friend

    Hey there Catherine,

    I'm sorry that sex has become a boresome chore, it shouldn't be. You need to have fun with sex, as well as with someone who has some form of a connection with you. Just simply going through the motions will never, ever fufil you.

    You've not been too specific on what goes on in your relationship, what lead to your boredom, what's causing you to want to be dominant and in control of him, etc etc. With those bits of info, you could be given a bit more insight.

    Buuuuut, since there isn't, here's what I've got for you.

    My father raised me with a saying:

    "If there's one thing I hope I get through to you, it's this: Do not only what makes you happy, but do what will never hurt other people."

    In other words, you're doing both of those things wrong. Very wrong. Wise up, please. Get away from that man, because you're not only leading a dreary existence, but you're leading him on and once he figures out what's happening, his soul will be crushed. Now, unless you're a heartless ogre, I'm pretty sure a part of you (big or tiny) will feel shame and sadness. You loved this man at one point, in one way or another yes? Clearly something brought you two together.

    Get out of there while you can, tell him you're sorry, and tell him he can find someone who will make him complete, because that's what you cannot do. In the meantime, rest in the knowledge that you have a life ahead of you, something different and amazing, and maybe you'll find that Magic Pool Boy that everyone keeps talking about.

    Seriously..he's like a mythical beast or something.

    I wish you luck!


    reply to Jean
    send this answer to a friend

    Leave him. Things are not going to get better if you already feel like this. If you have children and are staying together for them, ask yourself whether it's really for their benefit to bring them up in a such a cold and loveless home.

    The less extreme option would be to try marriage counselling.

    reply to Maria
    send this answer to a friend

    Poor guy. Let him go to find someone who will actually want to be with him.

    reply to DCL
    send this answer to a friend

    You should ask yourself again why you marry him. Were you in love or did you just want to fit in the marriage circle? If he still loves you and you want to make it work, try spicing up the marriage wit some new and fun activities. if not, get out!!

    reply to Kladé
    send this answer to a friend

    Get out now! I suffered through ten years with a partner (another woman) who never wanted me. Oh, I got the huge "rush" at the beginning from her, but once she had me where she wanted, she lost interest in sex and no amount of talking, pleading, counseling, changed anything. She had already had the great love of her life.

    reply to Rose
    send this answer to a friend

    Throw back Thursday. Right here.

    reply to Maggie
    send this answer to a friend

    Maggie wrote: Throw back Thursday. Right here.


    reply to Luciferia
    send this answer to a friend

    You don't even have to try to control your husband with sex, it's the power of the pussy. However, wouldn't it be fun if he dominated you in bed sometimes? Sounds like you're going out of your way unnecessarily to make it not fun for you, he's a guy, he's going to enjoy sex no matter what.

    reply to Sonja
    send this answer to a friend

    Why do you feel you want to control him? Does he control you in areas of your relationship? You may want to consider counseling (you can start on your own if couples counseling is too over-whelming.) If there are substance abuse issues in the home, I have found alanon to be comforting in the past as well. Good luck, hon

    reply to Anna
    send this answer to a friend

    Give advice or add a comment: