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Is it impossible or wrong to want to pursue a career AND start a family all at the same time? Should I pick one or is it ok to try and do both?

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    !t's DEFINITELY not wrong. As a modern man, I suggest you do both. Having a child is no excuse for not putting in your share of the rent! ;-)

    reply to Hercules
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    I don't understand why any self respecting woman would WANT to do both, but if you must there are options. Like having someone else raise your child while you're off doing the career thing.

    reply to Catherine
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    There's also stay-at-home husbands. I see them on "Wife Swap" all the time.

    reply to Hercules
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    Hercules wrote: There's also stay-at-home husbands. I see them on "Wife Swap" all the time.

    Stay-at-home husbands are weak, pitiful men that need to be hit upside the head. The husband’s job is to have a job. Not sit at home and do the women’s work. The woman’s job is to have the babies and then be a mother to them. If you want to work that's all fine and dandy but doing both is selfish and unfair to your children. Pick one and stick to it.

    reply to Michael
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    Definitely possible to do both, but it's a family decision. If you decide to do both, then both partners just need to step up and share the family chores, etc. Just don't forget that regardless of how tired you are at the end of a tough day at work, the kids still need and want your love and attention.

    reply to Tiffany
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    i just wouldn't even know where to get the energy. if i spend the afternoon with my neices i am destroyed. i know you become super human when you have kids, you must, i guess you have to decide what is within your abilities when the time comes but i definatly don't think it is a selfish thing. i read an article about european moms and how they make sure to have real lives after childbirth and they said it was better for both the mommies and the kids because the women felt more fufilled and had more to give to their kids. but it also mentioned that there is more support for families in europe or something like that.

    reply to esther
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    Make your man stay at home with the kids. Puhleeze, we are out of the dark ages and into the sunshine of a competent woman.

    reply to Zoe
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    I think it is a personal choice Tiff, You can do both, it is very possible, I had a set of twin's worked a fulltime job and taught a class all at the same time, But that was then, this is now, I love staying at home, I dont really feel like i am less of a person for walking away from a career I love to raise my kids, But i often miss Work, even though This being at home thing is so worth it to me.
    So there is the option, to get a job, stay at home, or work from home.
    There are always possiblities

    reply to Loretta
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    I love working and having my career, but I can't wait to be able to have kids and have a family. Nothing can replace the happiness around family. Not even a huge paycheck. I choose kids.

    reply to Bella
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    I'm surprised at the many people encouraging choosing one over the other. Agreed with Zoe, we are out of the dark ages, get a job!

    This day and age, I see stay at home moms as unfulfilled. It's not only about being inferior to your male breadwinner, but about having a fulfilled life for yourself. Can you see yourself being satisfied at the end of the day, not leaving the home for hours and hours?

    I could never ever do that.

    Choose your career. This not only will provide you with a more fulfilled life, but teach your kids about what they can do, too. It will give them more opportunities, more wisdom about the world if you are working. There is no doubt in my mind that having a career is better for your kids and you.

    reply to Stephanie
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    I completely agree with what is being said above. Why do you have to choose? Granted one takes more of a priority over the other but that doesn't mean it needs to be a Sophie's choice type deal.

    Those 'unfulfilled' stay at home moms are probably women who felt like they needed to make a choice and so they picked one, probably out of fear. Everything is about balance. You can happily have both a career and family if it is really what you want. Who knows, maybe you will find that being a stay at home mom is really what you want to do or you get your SigO to be the stay at home one and you run off and be the career woman you should be.

    reply to Talia
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    Talia, how are you finding these ancient and obscure threads??

    reply to ehvwon
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    yeah seriously, why are you resurrecting threads from years ago? There are enough current questions to not have to deal with this.

    reply to Carly
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    It's obviously an important desicion in a womans' life. I can honestly say that In work - Dignity. I am a mother whom doesn't have to work but chooses to work. Work gives a woman respect, dignity, security and independence. Further more in 20 years when the kids leave home do you really want to be twiddling your thumbs? Many men have trouble respecting a woman who cannot contribute. Further more if you have the option to choose one over the other, and you choose to do work, then work for something you love and enjoy doing. I believe it is important to spend quality time with your children but essential to be a great role model to them. Nothing worse than mum being lazy around the house. The truth is, in this day and age, no matter how hard we try, woman are just not as respected is they cannot or do not contribute. However is you want to be a stay at home mum, find it fulfilling and feel you contribute greatly in doing so, then great for you. But remember that when you work, respect, independence and security is all in your hands.

    reply to Ms Blasé
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    You ask, work or family? Why do you have to choose between the independence of bringing home some bacon as well as cooking the bacon too? You have to ask yourself, are you in a situation that you would want your kids to grow up into. Are you willing to put all the financial burdens on your significant other in such a struggling economy? Depending on your significant other, and your economic and financial situation you might not have to chose.

    reply to Amanda
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    it's possible and doable. but for me, my children would always come first, especially in the time area.

    reply to Kat
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    Whatever you decide to do make sure you have a balance. Family is very important. Everything must have a strong foundation. Love is given freely. Express it with actions & words!

    reply to regina
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    Someone once told me "You can do both...just not at the same time" so be prepared to balance!

    reply to Lilly
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    Go for BOTH! Being a woman with a family and a career is like being a duck. Calm and ruffled on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath. Peace and whole lot of rock n'roll to you.

    reply to Annette
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    Since being "wrong" and "right" is relative to ones social, cultural and genetic standards, it is entirely up to you. The question is can you handle the physical, emotional, mental, etc. that come with doing both? If you and your significant other agree that you can then I say go for it. If you are single then write down a list of priorities in your life and see if they coincide with what you are asking about. At the end of the day whatever you choose to do should make you happy and not overwhelmed. Life is what you make it and it starts with being true to yourself.

    reply to Star
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    I think you can have both if you find the right partner and the right job. Getting the right benefits is important or else you may have to sacrifice quitting your current job and restarting once you are ready. Also the right partner will provide you with the help and support you need. Having a child is not a one person job, it takes two to tango! Get that man to help as much as possible and then it is possible for you to both live your dream.

    reply to hannah
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    While it is possible to do both, something's got to give. You can't be in two places at once, so something will always get short-changed....and hopefully it's not your kid..... especially if it's in exchange for having to knock yourself out for a company that you don't own.

    reply to Diana
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    God forbid a woman have a child and then actually stay at home to raise it a few years. You're replaceable at any job. You're not replaceable as a Mom. Why have a kid to put it in daycare. Selfish. Have your career when your kid gets into school.

    reply to DCL
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    No. It's neither impossible nor wrong. Parts of it can feel impossible, and unwise ways of going about it can be wrong - even to the point of child abuse. But in and of itself, there isn't a "no" to the very idea. Just lots of careful consideration and planning.

    It isn't so simple for women these days. Some say you can have it all and some say you can't. They're both right: You can have it all. You can't have it all at the same time. Wait, actually, you can have it all at the same time if you want to be an overstressed mess for years on end, gathering health problems as you go.

    It's your choice.

    Whatever you choose, don't make the common mistake of choosing to have it all at the same time with the expectation that all that stress is what you really want. Many women have it all at the same time because their lives drifted them into it, due to their passivity about their futures - and now it's all they can do to survive. Personally, I'd wonder why they didn't take more responsibility for themselves when they had the chance to know what they wanted. (Let me just say how much I admire you, right off the bat, for realizing this responsibility and seeking to do it wisely! Luck is on your side!)

    Yet you'll see some who laugh at stress, who love their lives, some who make it look effortless, some who work third shifts and only sleep while their five children are in school. If you're a tireless, saintly sort who feels happier taking care of others, if you have little interest in doing things for and by yourself anyway (not because you're a martyr, not because you have low self-esteem, but because it's just not what you enjoy), if you're naturally industrious and THRIVE under high-activity environments when you have many just might be the way to go!

    Then there's the other end of the spectrum. The unhappiest women with "it all" are the ones who feel majorly deprived of "me-time" and self-attention, particularly in the case of women living with chronic health conditions that require opportunity to monitor and attend to her health. It's also natural to feel entitled to free time in which to do the stuff that makes you happy. If you have a serious need (as opposed to an opportunistic liking) for Netflix marathons, lattes, fitness routines, sleeping in / taking naps, or anything day-to-day in which you are pampered and carefree (much of which we can safely call a societal norm for women), then you might be unhappy without a single minute to yourself. In contrast to your natural preferences, it would be stressful and your life would revolve around the next time you'd get to do something you actually wanted to do.

    And then there are the wildcards who adapt to anything without a glance behind! And then there's having a career at a young age and middle to old age, allowing a decade or so, with savings or support, for raising children...there are pretty much as many ways to do it as there are women.

    Consider where you stand, and put a lot of thought into your decision before you even think about which partner, and which job, two variables that can make all the difference. Think in terms of doing it all on your own, and adjust to reality from there. I wish you luck!

    reply to Queenie
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    Michael wrote: Stay-at-home husbands are weak, pitiful men that need to be hit upside the head. The husband’s job is to have a job. Not sit at home and do the women’s work. The woman’s job is to have the babies and then be a mother to them. If you want to work that's all fine and dandy but doing both is selfish and unfair to your children. Pick one and stick to it.

    reply to Sumedha
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    Lady, this is the twenty-first century! It is very possible to both do a very fulfilling job, and have a satisfactory family life, with kids! I am one such child myself, with both busy working parents, and as a daughter, I feel I've grown up better as a result . I see that nothing is impossible, and I understand the value of time, effort, hard work and dignity better. A working mother is a beautiful role model for her children, so go ahead, get that job, or make one that suits you, and have those children! With a bit of conscious effort on both ends, you'll have a good work/life balance. Please do not compromise on both ends, snce they are both very important aspects of a person's life, and we are only enriched by their presence.

    reply to Sumedha
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