Ask E. Jean - Tormented? Driven Witless? Whipsawed by confusion?

Advice Vixens

I deliberately sabotaged the relationship between my husband and his entire family and now I feel guilty about it. What should I do?

  • Cast your vote
    for Best Advice
  • give Catherine advice
    send this question to a friend


    lol, Tiffany... don't you think that's a little harsh!? Frankly, it sounds like Catherine's husband lacks a spine. If his relationship with his family is that weak, then either he needs to grow a backbone or it wasn't wanted to begin with. In the end, it is HIS responsiblity to maintain his relationships--not anyone elses.

    reply to Hercules
    send this answer to a friend



    I think it's smart. What the hell do you want to deal with HIS family for?
    Dealing with your OWN family is hard enough. Bravo! Now, come on over here and sabatage my family for me. Christmas is coming, and I don't feel like giving any presents.

    reply to Katy
    send this answer to a friend



    I did it because I want to punish my husband. He had an affair a while ago and I can't forgive him. I wanted him to suffer like i've suffered. I think maybe I went too far though.

    reply to Catherine
    send this answer to a friend



    Catherine wrote: I did it because I want to punish my husband. He had an affair a while ago and I can't forgive him. I wanted him to suffer like i've suffered. I think maybe I went too far though.

    Well, I've learned that usually, if I feel really guilty about something, then chances are I did SOMETHING wrong. Then again, I have a good sense of morality. If I didn't, I'd totally feel guilty about eating those puppies for dinner.

    reply to Hercules
    send this answer to a friend





    Hercules wrote: Well, I've learned that usually, if I feel really guilty about something, then chances are I did SOMETHING wrong. Then again, I have a good sense of morality. If I didn't, I'd totally feel guilty about eating those puppies for dinner.

    Hercules, that's just wrong!

    reply to Nicole
    send this answer to a friend



    Women like you are the reason people like Dr. Phil have jobs. So lost in your own warped little minds and hell-bent on controlling everything that you lose site of who you are. Although I must say, if what you did worked then your husband needs to find a pair of pants and put them on.


    reply to Michael
    send this answer to a friend



    Well, I think the big question for you is, what the heck did you do it for? Are they terrible people? Do they make him feel bad? Did he have a good relationship with them before you came along? I need more info, because if you feel guilty, what changed? Did they change or did you realize they weren't that bad to begin with?

    reply to Tiffany
    send this answer to a friend



    Catherine wrote: I did it because I want to punish my husband. He had an affair a while ago and I can't forgive him. I wanted him to suffer like i've suffered. I think maybe I went too far though.

    OK, yeah, you went too far. Did he cheat on you because of his family? If you are still distraught about the affair (you have every right to be furious, by the way) I suggest couples therapy. You can come clean to your husband and you can work on whatever other marriage issues your having that led to or are as a result of the affair. Clear the air in a safe space, you don't need guilt on top of being so betrayed.

    reply to Tiffany
    send this answer to a friend





    Ouch Tiff!! Yeah it was shitty, but rawr reaction.

    Girl, you are only making your husband miserable, and if you really loved him you would want him to be happy.

    reply to Layla
    send this answer to a friend



    That was pretty crappy. What were your motives if you say it was deliberate? You should learn to share your toys.

    reply to Zoe
    send this answer to a friend



    His family stood by him through it all and after some time they kept wanting him to spend time with them. I hated going out, it wasn't my type of fun. So if I didn't want to go, he'd go anyways. I was afraid they'd encourage him to do the things he'd done before so I stopped it before it could happen. Now I have him all to myself but he's miserable. That's why I feel guilty.

    reply to Catherine
    send this answer to a friend



    Catherine wrote: His family stood by him through it all and after some time they kept wanting him to spend time with them. I hated going out, it wasn't my type of fun. So if I didn't want to go, he'd go anyways. I was afraid they'd encourage him to do the things he'd done before so I stopped it before it could happen. Now I have him all to myself but he's miserable. That's why I feel guilty.

    Again, marriage counseling. Get it all out in the open and relearn how to communicate with your husband, because something is clearly going wrong there.

    reply to Tiffany
    send this answer to a friend



    It's hard to trust someone who's had an affair on you, but that's relationships in general. You'll just have to trust that he won't do it again. If he does - divorce him and take half. If he's allowing you to make him miserable, he probably still feels guilty.

    reply to Christine
    send this answer to a friend



    Catherine wrote: I did it because I want to punish my husband. He had an affair a while ago and I can't forgive him. I wanted him to suffer like i've suffered. I think maybe I went too far though.

    Your wanting to forgive him is your own choice. Your inability to forgive him then becomes, technically, your own problem.

    It's not easy being betrayed by someone you love but it's never a good idea to deliberately hurt someone who hurt us. It doesn't look good and definitely doesn't feel good afterwards either.

    Best to channel your energy towards other things: your health, your career, your own family and friends, your social life, your ambitions. Nothing is more attractive than a happy, healthy person.

    In a way too, your being superfabulous will only make him miserable that he ever treated you the way he did.

    reply to Lady
    send this answer to a friend



    Truth be told, the fact that you did it out of spite shows that you need to grow up. First of all if your husband had an affair and you "forgave" him then there never should have been revenge. If you did not forgive him then you should have been woman enough to end the relationship and move on. The fact that you put so much energy into such a frivolous act shows that maybe you should be putting that energy into something positive in your life so you don't end up feeling "guilty" about your actions. By stooping down to this level you have let your husband once again have the upper hand because if he hasn't cheated again by now, the minute this all comes to light I'm sure he will find another shoulder to lean on and you will have no one to blame but yourself. #Imjustsayin

    reply to Star
    send this answer to a friend



    Can whatever you did to sabotage be undone? Presumably it was stuff you said to his family about him. Can you let them know you were insane and lying?

    reply to jonah
    send this answer to a friend


    Give advice or add a comment: