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Deal breaker or not?
My boyfriend of six months has seemed awesome since we met and I finally thought I had met someone who could be a good match. Plus, I fell in love with him. We had been talking to each other daily, going out, getting to know each other, in each othersí arms often having heart to heart chats, having amazing weekends and a lot of fun together. He often has told me he cares about me deeply and has used the L word, and has referred to me as his girlfriend. All of this would make a woman feel like she was in a serious relationship, right?

All was going normal until April when he lied to me (the first lie). Long story short, he had invited woman friend of his to an event and didnít mention it to me. When the week came, whenever we talked about plans he would just say he was busy on Friday. I didnít think anything of it, I just assumed it was something with his kids, so I didnít pry. Then the night before, we got to talking and he said something about his plans again, so I asked what it was he was doing. He told me about the dinner event, and I just said (making conversation), ďOh, who are you going there with?Ē And he hesitantly told me a womanís name, and insisted she was just a friend of his. I donít care if he sees a friend, thatís not it...I have friends. It was the not even mentioning it to me! And we talk all of the time. The next day, she or he had posted a whole bunch of photos of them at the event, both talking about it on fb. She kept thanking him, and he was swooning back. It was all just so weird.

We ended up having a big talk about honesty, and at the end of our conversation he looked me in the eye and said he was sorry he didnít tell me, and we both promised to let each other know whatís going on from now on. I let it go because I assumed he was just shy about it so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now, a month later, the same thing happened again, and with the same woman. I guess theyíve had plans to go to a concert (it was last night) for a few weeks. Again, he didnít tell me about it! Until I asked. I had just seen him the night before, never mentioned it. Then during the day he sent me some strange very indirect text about, ďOh wow, I just opened my calendar on my phone and realized this concert is tonight!... blah blah blah. The msg was so vague, so I txted back for clarification. He said he was going and with her again. And after our talk last time about letting each other know. I was flabbergasted. When I finally talked to him after work, he lied and said he just remembered it today, but then I saw on fb his post tagged to her on Tuesday saying, ďConcert this Friday!!Ē And all of her comments back. So he DID remember it on Tuesday. Then after all that, he insisted that he told me a month ago (another lie). Then why the text about it today? If I already knew? Three lies in one day, and the same thing as last month.
Deal breaker? I really donít know what to do.

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    I'd wonder why he's being so evasive and dishonest about this. There's nothing wrong about going out with a friend - but I agree with you that lying about it is a big red flag.

    Maybe he thinks that you'd be jealous and this is his way of avoiding what he assumes will be your reaction. Maybe he's had a thing for this friend but she hasn't been available until recently and now he's re-thinking his relationship with her. Maybe he is evasive by nature. Maybe he's just an idiot when it comes to honesty in relationships.

    What I'd do is ask him why he thinks he needs to lie to you about it. Reiterate that you're okay with him going out with friends, but that the dishonesty is a deal-breaker. Then give him one more chance. If he lies to you again about her, you have your answer.

    reply to Jill
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    Not quite a dealbreaker, but certainly a giant, billowing red flag.

    Best-case scenario is that he has a long-time lil' crush on this friend, and is too embarrassed to talk about it. Worst case scenario -- well, you've probably already thought about that, though I'm doubtful that he's actually acted on the crush.

    Anyway, I'd say you should absolutely follow Jill's advice. If you don't talk with him about his dishonesty, it won't ever get better.

    But if, after the talk, you still have unresolved worries? One other possible way to help figure this out is to have the two of you invite this woman (and possibly her date) out for dinner. It gives you a chance to meet her, to get a sense of how she interacts with your bf, and to establish your relationship with your bf in her presence.

    Of course, you'll want to approach the evening in the spirit of potentially meeting a new friend, rather than suspiciously checking out a potential rival. But at the end of the night, you'll probably have a lot more info than you have now...

    reply to Kal
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