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Hello vixens... I have a question about office dynamics.. my husband has this subordinate who works in another country for their company. I think they are a little in appropriate.... in the past I have seen her ask him multiple times if he had breakfast and to please eat something if he did not .... also they later reassigned her and she was like I feel so bad I am not working for you and so on. My husbands response to that was ya even I have lost a very valuable resource... he sits down with her on weekends a few times to help her with her work .... I have barely read a couple of their msgs but I see such exchanges.... she got eve teased by someone outside her house when she returned from work and to which she sent an email to a bunch of ppl telling them what happened.... my husband immediately texted her asking if she is ok and they continued texting till we slept.... the other day her daughter hurt herself and needed stitches and she asked if she could call my husband? My husband called her and was on the phone for an hr. He has other ppl other women he works with and he has never given them this preferential treatment....
he is now trying to get her back on his team after her repeatedly telling him how she hates her new boss and wants to again work for my husband... she is a qa.... and this is a software development job but she knows other things that will be very helpful According to my husband...
She also bombs his phone with texts multiple times... I tried hinting to my husband a couple of times that it is a bit much but he brushed it off... yesterday though I firmly told him that it is not appropriate... she used to work for him and he has no connection with him now she is not his friend and this has to stop... his reaction was we have not crossed any lines she is married with a daughter... I know they have not but thatís just how it starts... they text each other on whatís app now instead of the company chat... I said nothing for months but after a convo with a friend I realized I had to talk to him.... he did agree what he gives her a bit of special treatment... I told him to not reply to her outside of office hours and keep it professional... he seemed to agree but I am not sure... he said he had promised her a java assignment way back and he just has to honor that commitment... I donít know if I am being harsh and unfair or I am doing the right thing... I am friends with my male co workers too but there is always been a firm line... like we donít talk too much about our personal lives... my husband is good man otherwise and helps me with housework and stuff.... am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

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    Hmmm... you mention that "she is not his friend."

    I would think from the way you've described things that she IS his friend. They're friends who met at work, and even though they don't work at the same location anymore, they keep in touch...as friends do. I mean, they get along well, they call or text each other for support when little life crises happen -- they're friends.

    And that might be fine. Or that might be problematic.

    Now, if he's offering her availability and emotional support that he doesn't offer you? That's a problem. His friendship with this woman should not substantially impinge on or supersede his commitment to being there for YOU.

    Or if the woman is a constant drain, lurching from crisis to crisis and needing constant 'friendship' support, without offering any support for anything he's going through? That's also a problem. He might be living in a bit of a fantasy, imagining himself as this woman's protector, and ignoring his own family situation as a consequence. If this is what's happening, it's possible your husband doesn't even realize how much of his time, energy and attention this woman is taking up.

    The good news is that he's not trying to hide anything. He's made this woman's existence known to you; he's above board with you in terms of phone calls and texts; there's no sneaking around behind your back.

    The even better news is that you've already laid out your concerns to him. And he's agreed with them -- and to keep communication with her to within office hours.

    Okay. So now you see how it goes. You've made your position known, and he seems to get it. I'm guessing that absolutely nothing romantic happened, but -- after your talk -- he has maybe realized that he was spending a little too much time with her, and not quite enough with you.

    Now that he has that info? Give him a chance to figure out the balance. And don't try to get in the way of things if it's a genuine friendship; that path will only lead to misery for everyone involved, including you.

    Remember, if the two of them remain friends, that could still be just fine....if he's also committed to respecting your comfort level with this woman, and that you don't feel that you're getting a lack of support.

    Good luck with this! Let us know how it goes....

    reply to Kal
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    Hey thanks a lot for you advice kal I will keep my cool in this situation.... no they have never met.... they even had a convo about how they would love to meet once he visits our home country... he is a good husband but he ignores me not because of her but just generally because he is very busy..I am not needy and i generally dont make demands on his time... but i did give up my job to be with him and he barely has any time to speak to me..i am an introvert so leaving behind my friends and not having ppl to talk to does not bother me much... about the only time we spend together is when we sit to watch something together during dinner ,most of the times it is what he wants to watch and even then he is always on his phone... he is not texting her but just generally browsing.... because of which i ended up fighting with him... he acknowledged that he takes me a little for granted and promised he would give me more time... l stopped texting him because he never replies. I donít think he instantly replies to all her texts either.... they have worked together for just An year and have never met.... he has a 2 other women reporting to him and he was saying he exchanged whatsapp texts with them too but when he showed me the last text was about a month before ... these other 2 ladies have worked with him for multiple years and work in the same office... with this other woman it came to my attention because it started happened too often Multiple times a week... I donít think there is anything romantic between them but he does not have this kind of equation with coworkers he has worked with for decades.....I think he has a soft corner for her but the reason he gives me for helping her is she is a good resource who will help him in the future.....now that she might join his team the other 2 teammates said that she is a quality assurance engineer not a developer.... but he thought they just donít want the added competition and is pushing for her to join anyway..... I donít know if I am being paranoid and overreacting or he really is favoring her.... would he have done the same for a male colleague or a non attractive lady rest everything remaining same? I just feel very disturbed... your reply made me think because a lot of times i am bothered by something but i cant identify it.... In this case it is sorta like adding insult to injury where he barely has any time for me and always something is more important than talking to me..... it can be interview preparation or his job or something else but generally i am at a lower priority..... Even when we would drive for groceries he would have something on and shush me when i tried to speak because he wanted to listen... I ended up telling him how i dislike his behavior and it stopped... I think instead of speaking immediatley and being assertive i just passively put up with stuff and then blow up... even as i am writing this i am feeling a bit resentful..i also have a tendency to have unrealistic expectations that i feel are perfectly ok but looking back i realize it was unfair and unrealistic but i have significantly improved since before...At least i hope i have :) ...thanks to your advice i was able to keep my cool and not mention this again to him.....I am not really sure he is going to limit talking to her it seemed like he said it just because he wanted to end the topic... i say this because he never says no directly he just says yes to stuff and never follows through at times when he does not want to do something.... let me know if you have more advice for me in the light of my new answer and i will keep you posted on what happens next.... Also i wanted to add that i am really grateful for advice vixens and it is a safe place for me to really express my feelings and get solid heartfelt advice :)

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