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Hi all Vixens, I'm eager for advice. Am having very much a panic attack /over thinking things kind of day. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. It has been a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of second guessing myself. After each hiccup I am quick to want to brush things under the rug and move on. But all this brushing under the rug has been catching up to me lately and I wondering if I am living in denial, OR maybe just being too worried.

My boyfriend will apologize profusely and beg me not to leave him, and I end up staying. These episodes have only happened twice. Once when I broke up with him initially. Gave it about a four month rest, and let him come back for a second chance. The second time around I caught him planning to cheat on me through various text messages. He wanted to have a foursome with people he met online, guys included. Stating he can "get head anywhere." So if he came to the threesome, he "would want more."

I was mortified, devastated, extremely hurt. He was so sorry and begged, pleaded, for me to give him a third chance and not dump him for good. The right thing to do would have been to walk away but I wanted the pain to be over, and I was in shock, so I accepted his plea, and with a firm outline of what I expected from then on, we continued to go out.

Fast forward almost a year later. He called me nervous this afternoon because some guy was going around on Facebook emailing all of his friends saying that my boyfriend has gay orgies in the back of the liquor store he works at. He did not message me because I am on a private profile, even though on Facebook it says we are in a relationship.

My boyfriend claims this guy came into the liquor store late last night drunk, and without a shirt. So my boyfriend said everything escalated after he was telling this customer he needs to have a shirt on to get service, and ended up having to call the police. The drunk shirtless man (who sent the Facebook messages about the boyfriend the next day) asked what my boyfriends name was, 'John', and was shouting at my boyfriend saying that he was going to 'ruin his life', over and over again.

This guys idea of getting back at my boyfriend for the argument they had in the store was to try and embarrass him by sending out these messages. He also said in these Facebook messages that my boyfriend 'has been trying to suck his dick for the past three days'

My boyfriends side of the story I think could be believable as there are a lot of crazy drunk people. I don't understand the man's incentive for going on Facebook and doing all of that, but okay. I also wonder how just by getting my boyfriend first name, he could have found him on Facebook.

Their store website does have a Facebook, and my boyfriend appears in those pictures, so it is possible…. And online snooping is fairly easy today.

This has just sent me back into doubt and untrusting mode because of everything that's happened with him in the past.

I routinely catch my boyfriend checking out other girls and he has a lot of female friends. And my boyfriend also tends to be withdrawn and secretive, also defensive.

He wasn't defensive this afternoon and seemed by the end of the conversation to be laughing it all off because this guy was such a nut job.

But then it struck me that when I talked to him on the phone last night and asked him how work was, he made no mention of this drunk crazy man.

Usually he does not go into detail about his day. He is a bare basic conversationalist. So it could be possible that he was tired and checked out.

I feel like a lunatic going over all of this in my head, but it's brought up a lot of our past issues.

I need some perspective on the random drunk man/ Facebook situation. Does it strike anyone else as odd? Or crazy, but totally plausible? And any further insight is welcome too.

p.s. I have posted about him in the past, when I first found those text messages. But this was almost a year ago.


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    Given your boyfriend's past behavior, I don't know what to think, either. His story doesn't sound plausible, but I've lived through crazier-sounding things, so who knows?

    The main question you need to ask yourself is why this particular guy is worth of all of this drama.

    reply to Robynne
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    Robynne wrote: Given your boyfriend's past behavior, I don't know what to think, either. His story doesn't sound plausible, but I've lived through crazier-sounding things, so who knows? The main question you need to ask yourself is why this particular guy is worth of all of this drama.

    Thanks Robynne. Well I feel very confused. Most of the time in the relationship this past year I've been felt sad and hurt. I think I am so tightly holding on to his promises of treating me better. He will show me himself positively in snippets, a few days, or a even a week or two at a time, before something will happen, or he gets snappy again. I don't -think- I'm in the healthiest of a relationship. And I'm just coming to this realization, and kind of resisting it a little. I don't know what to do just yet.


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    And there have been times in the past he's treated me wonderfully and we've had great times together. I am holding onto those times. That's who I'm hanging on for, and that's the guy I'm going through this drama for. Or as my aunt (who I am super close with) tells me, "treats you how he's supposed to treat you. don't deem that behavior as special, it's standard."

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    anonymous wrote: And there have been times in the past he's treated me wonderfully and we've had great times together. I am holding onto those times. That's who I'm hanging on for, and that's the guy I'm going through this drama for. Or as my aunt (who I am super close with) tells me, "treats you how he's supposed to treat you. don't deem that behavior as special, it's standard."

    Well, but that's the problem. The guy you're holding onto and waiting for is a phantom. That's not the *real* guy. That's who he needs to be to get what he wants.

    The wonderful times are the exception, here, and you're right-- that's not healthy.

    Staying in a relationship where "sad and hurt" is your normal, and "snappy", "withdrawn and secretive, also defensive" is his normal is not healthy.

    Your aunt is right. You can spend the rest of your life waiting for this boyfriend to grow up and start treating you the way a grown man treats the woman he loves.

    Why would you sentence yourself to that? It's been four years and he hasn't changed. What makes you think the next four years are going to be any different?


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    I respect the fact that you don't want to write him off before examining yourself first but I think you're giving this one far too many allowances.

    You don't trust him. I think it would be a lot easier TO trust him if your boyfriend weren't "withdrawn and secretive, and defensive," but he's not giving you anything to go off of and that to me smells like trouble. People who want to keep their personal lives from you are likely hiding something or are not interested in you enough to make the effort, both of which point to ending things.

    Does he make you happy, as in, does he do anything consciously to try and touch base with you in this relationship, or are you doing everything yourself? Don't waste your time on a lazy boy, anon. He's not worth it.

    reply to Lagertha Starchild
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    Lagertha Starchild wrote: I respect the fact that you don't want to write him off before examining yourself first but I think you're giving this one far too many allowances. You don't trust him. I think it would be a lot easier TO trust him if your boyfriend weren't "withdrawn and secretive, and defensive," but he's not giving you anything to go off of and that to me smells like trouble. People who want to keep their personal lives from you are likely hiding something or are not interested in you enough to make the effort, both of which point to ending things. Does he make you happy, as in, does he do anything consciously to try and touch base with you in this relationship, or are you doing everything yourself? Don't waste your time on a lazy boy, anon. He's not worth it.

    Thank you Lagertha Starchild.

    And Robynne again above too. Very valid questions I need to be asking myself.

    In terms of him "touching base with me in the relationship" I am embarrassed to say I don't know what I should expect for this???

    He will call me once a day, for a short phone call where getting him to converse is pretty hard. He gives one word answers/ doesn't seem that interested in my day. (Most of the time). He's told me I am too sensitive and I've come to believe it.

    He on occasion will ask how my day is, literally, "how was your day?" After I ask him how he's doing. But rarely specific things in my life. Like a new job, family, how a large exam went (I am ending grad school), or the like.



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    R
    So the guy who you know was soliciting orgies on Craig's list, is now being accused by some random stranger of having orgies at work? I'm a betting man, so I'm going to tell you that the odds are really really good that he's been having gay orgies at work. Please get out of denial and get tested for STDs and if you are going to continue sleeping with him demand he do the same.

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    R wrote: So the guy who you know was soliciting orgies on Craig's list, is now being accused by some random stranger of having orgies at work? I'm a betting man, so I'm going to tell you that the odds are really really good that he's been having gay orgies at work. Please get out of denial and get tested for STDs and if you are going to continue sleeping with him demand he do the same.

    Thanks R, I really don't know what to believe. I think I've stayed for too long and am in a hard haze. I do believe I am in denial of how bad the relationship has gotten and how bad it has been for me. I don't think there's any reason for me to continuing seeing him after everything that's happened, now this random accusation. I will get tested too, it'd be essential for me to know 100% about my health.

    I feel like him having orgies at work is preposterous but then again who the hell knows. Part of my gut -does- think he has a private life. Then at other times I think I am being a crazy sensitive girlfriend.

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    anonymous wrote: Thanks R, I really don't know what to believe. I think I've stayed for too long and am in a hard haze. I do believe I am in denial of how bad the relationship has gotten and how bad it has been for me. I don't think there's any reason for me to continuing seeing him after everything that's happened, now this random accusation. I will get tested too, it'd be essential for me to know 100% about my health. I feel like him having orgies at work is preposterous but then again who the hell knows. Part of my gut -does- think he has a private life. Then at other times I think I am being a crazy sensitive girlfriend.

    You are *not* being "a crazy sensitive girlfriend."

    As LS said, it's so healthy that you're actually taking an emotional inventory to make sure that you aren't bringing crap to the relationship.

    But -- as someone who has lived through several ridiculously unhealthy relationships and is now in a wonderfully healthy one -- I can tell you that none of this is you.

    Your boyfriend is not sexually or emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship. And it's my experience that he won't grow up until he is forced to -- which, given the dynamics established after four years together -- is not going to happen while he's with you.

    And yes, I find the idea of "orgies" in the back room preposterous, too. But, that doesn't mean he's never sneaked one other person back there, right?

    reply to Robynne
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